Back when I was young and foolish (now I’m old and foolish, thank you very much), I used to develop the most mind-bogglingly intense crushes on girls, usually at first sight. We’re talking the whole works here – adrenaline rush, sweaty palms, inability to think straight in their presence, and inability to think of anything else outside of their presence.
The thing is, for years and years I was convinced that this wonderful, exhilarating, hormonal rush of a feeling was “true love,” and I couldn’t imagine ever marying someone for whom I didn’t have these feelings.
Now, as I contemplate getting married in about a week and a half, I realize that I never really had a crush on my fiancee. I was certainly attracted to her when I first met her, and in the course of our dating I’ve come to develop a deep and abiding love for her. I want to spend every minute with her, and I miss her when she is gone. And, of course, I find her sexy as hell, which is always a plus. But I just don’t have that dibilitating, heart-pounding rush whenever I see or think about her. And, to be honest, I think that’s just as well, since it allows me to treat her like a person and not simply the “object of my affection.” Plus, I can actually talk to her without my brain turning to tapioca and dribbling out my ears.
So anyway… For those of you who have found the love of your life, I’m just curious whether you ended up marrying somebody you had a crush on initially, or whether there really is a difference between a crush and “true love” in your opinion.
I never fell in love with a girl “at first sight”. Until I met my current girlfriend, as she walked in the door that lovely Saturday night in October of 2001. Chemistry straight away.
And while it was a complete first for me to have it happen that way, I don’t regret it one bit.
My theory: I think the “crush” is just the biological detonator - the catalyst that sets the whole thing in motion. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think anyone genuinely remains in that state for years. The real love comes later, and it’s made of many different things, that probably don’t include the sweaty palms. Not every relationship begins that way, and I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad or a good sign. So don’t sweat it!
At the risk of sounding pedantic and boring, my opinion is that true love is not even remotely about sweaty palms and pounding hearts. That’s what happens when I encounter a spider. True love is about honor, respect, trust, committment, and genuine warmth.
It is possible to “fall in love” with someone instananeously - I did - but to build a future on that feeling alone would be irresponsible and immature. And after having been married to my “crush” for 15 years, I can tell you that the palpitations come and go, but the essentials remain constant.
To answer the OP’s question, no. In fact, the SO and I started out as just friends, and we were good friends for about two and a half years before it hit us that we did in fact love each other on more than a platonic level. In fact, about two months after the SO and I had met (before we’d got together), a mutual friend suggested to me that we would make a good couple, to which my reaction was along the lines of “Ick, yuk. No way! He’s just a close friend and nothing more!”
Yup, but it’s something entirely separate from the feelings that developed afterwards. I’ve found that when I have a crush on someone, I tend to focus (somewhat indirectly) on myself and on the reaction they cause in me, and not on the person. I get so caught up in my own emotions that I start projecting all sorts of desirable but probably non-existent qualities on my crush. And then there’s the nervousness, etc.
It may have something to do with my having been a very shy and introverted kid, who’s slowly learning how to be an extroverted adult.
I’m guess I’m actually wondering two separate things here. First, whether it is possible/common to fall in love with somebody without having a crush on them first. Second, whether it is possible/common to fall in “true love” with somebody you have a crush on.
In my experience, the crushes I have had, while intense and very real at the time, were almost entirely based on physical attraction, and I don’t think I could have had a real relationship with a single girl I had a crush on. Other than the fact that they sent my hormones through the roof, I really had nothing in common with those girls and probably would have been miserable with them outside of sex.
I am hoping that I have finally matured enough to understand and appreciate what “true love” is, but a small part of me fears that maybe I have just decided to “settle” for something less.
I married my best friend’s brother. I’d had a crush on him since before I even knew they were related.
When she and I became friends my sophmore year in high school I found out he was her brother, and told her about my big crush. We never dwelled on it too much. I was WAY too shy to say anything to him about it.
Anyway fast forward about 3 or 4 years, (and trust me, I had the crush that entire time) he tells her that he’s always been interested in me.
SCREAM**
So I dumped my horrible, abusive boyfriend for him. Moved back to my home town…another couple years we got married and now we’ve been happily married for 2 years!!
Although I will say that you have to get OVER the crush, and INTO the relationship for this to work. haha
I’ve had a few crushes before (three, actually, grand total, which is pretty good for a 19 year-old chick). I didn’t have a crush on my SO before we went out, however. This was probably because we ended up going out less than 24 hours after we met. I was interested and hopeful, yes, but I didn’t have a crush; for me, crushes take about a month of knowing the person before they can happen.
I will say, however, that I can simultaneously feel the deepest love and the most raging desire for my SO–and that I have felt that way many, many times since we’ve been going out. It’s not a crush, though; crushes are unrequited.
Well, this may not really answer the questions godzillatemple posed, but I’ve had crushes and I’ve been in love (I think), but never both with the same person. I’ve rarely had the nerve to approach the girls/women I’ve had crushes on, and when I did, it didn’t work out. The women I’ve loved, I never had crushes on.
No actually. We were friends and then suddenly it was deeper. Yeah, to this day he can still make me giggle and blush when he calls me out of the blue just to say he’s thinking of me but he wasn’t a crush before we fell in love. I mistook a crush for love once but other than that the two have never really mingled. Hmm never thought of it before now though. Great, now I’ll be up all night re-thinking all my old relationships!
In past relationships, I was enveloped in big crushes. Eventually, the relationships fell apart. One lead to an engagement that shouldn’t have happened. Another crush relationship came on so fast and furious that it lead to a sudden spin out and crash ending.
Now, I believe that I can’t just take a crush and run with it. Crushes are just wild infatuation that have lead me to ignore reason, and this ignorance has caused disaster.
I have had flashes of infatuation with my current gf, but nothing like in the past. I think she’s great in many many ways, and we probably understand and accept each other in more and better ways than I could have expected. Our likes, dislikes, interests, and personalities are very much in line. I think good things about her when she’s not around.
I think she’s a fantastic person and we work very well as a couple, better than any other person I’ve dated, but I haven’t experienced the wild racing heart, the pit in my stomach, or the head in the clouds type feelings very much like I have in the past.
:smack: D’oh! I just put 1 and 1 (and 70) together, and figured out your username refers to the California state flag (plus 70 ;)). You’d think a bear would know these things.
OK, take a deep breath and warm up those cold feet, Barry!
I had a big time crush on my SO when we started dating—complete with trouble eating and sleeping and generally doing anything that required I wipe the shit-eating grin off my face.
However, as others have pointed out, this kind of caused me to overlook his all-too-human traits, foibles, what have you. So, I went through a period of disillusionment when I realized that there are things about him that, in fact, drive me nuts. It took a while to get balanced and remember the weak-in-the-knees stuff.
Crushes are great, but they have an expiration date. Deep and abiding love—well, I like to think that it doesn’t. Yes, you can move from one to another if the person is right, but it’s no crime to have skipped the former and moved straight to the latter.
yep, I had a big old crush on him. I remember clearly the night we first really got together. There was a big party happening, and before I went I was thinking “Man, I hope he comes” in that irrational way you do when you have a crush on someone, and when he turned up I had the whole heart racing/palms sweating thing … “I wonder if he likes me!” Suffice it to say it was a great party.
I still have a big old crush on him (like, sometimes I’ll look at him when he’s doing something else and think “Wow, what a hottie! Imagine if I could get with him ! Oh … wait a minute …”) It’s pretty cool, actually. It’s a great complement to the “deep and abiding love” part. I believe both are possible.
But of course, I’ve gone out with enough people who I did have a crush on to know that a crush is not remotely sufficient for a decent relationship. I’m not certain it’s necessary, either, but in my case it’s a nice bonus.
Dude, I dumped him after our first date (even though I truly believed I loved him from the second we met in person) because I was not experiencing any crotch sparks.
They did show up later (the crotch sparks, that is)–does that count as a crush?
