I have an issue that can well serve as fodder for humor, ridicule, invective, sardonic commentary, accusation of moral infirmity, et cetera. I’m also hoping that somewhere in this snowball of energetic abuse will be some nuggets of enlightenment on how to deal with the situation. In a nutshell, I’ve been involuntarily cultivating a growing infatuation with a woman of whom it would be highly problematic for me to actually date or otherwise engage in intimate relations. I don’t care to go into specific details (other than to pointedly cut off one ugly line of inquiry by confirming that she is, in fact, above the age of majority) but suffice it to say that I’ve been able neither to dim my enthusiasm for the young lady in question nor successfully divert my attentions to some more attainable target of interest, or indeed, even develop a viable alternative (i.e. I suck at dating).
Given those somewhat vague parameters and the lack of a flashlight battery to power my Sombody Elses’s Problem field, what suggestions are forthcoming in dealing with this situation?
I don’t have any advice, but I hope someone else does since I’m in a similar place right now. There’s a guy I really like, and I’m fairly sure he’s attracted to me too. Which would be great if he weren’t going to a grad school 10 hours away at the end of August. And therein lies the problem with significantly (nearly 6 years) younger men. sigh. I keep telling myself he’s a lost cause, but so far I ain’t listening.
Beats me, man. I’m having the same problem. Well, sort of. I guess there’s no technical reason I couldn’t date him…but let’s just say that it probably would be a bad idea.
But I totally know what you mean by “involuntarily cultivating a growing infatuation.” Oy.
On preview–You’re having a problem because the guy’s six years younger than you? Six, shmix. Try sixteen!
Apparently I’m not the only one dealing with an infatuation that isn’t headed anywhere. See, he lives in City Y while I live in City X; he was in one of my classes last semester, and he was only in City X long enough for me to become smitten with him. Now that he’s back in City Y, and is going to school in a different state next year, I’m SOL. He even tried to tell me that he was leaving at the end of April and not to get too caught up in my feelings for him…but apparently I don’t listen to things I don’t want to hear.
So yeah, I’ve got no advice, but could sure use a way to get him out of my head.
I’ve had the same problem many times. Even worse, it once turned out that the lady in question had been available and interested, but I never saw that then and never found out until years later. :smack:
The only way to deal with it is to get away from your mind, the mind that endlessly parades images of the unavailable in front of you. Do something that distracts the mind. I go to the gym and exercise till it hurts.
I dealt with this this as a kid. Meh, just let it pass through you. Accept it and ride it out without acting on it. Talk about it with someone you trust. There’s really no other way.
This may or may not apply to you, but I’ll just put it out there. In every case I became infatuated, a lot of the problems turned out to do with a lack of knowledge or maturity. Getting over my infatuation involved learning something, either about myself or about life in general. For instance, my first infatuation disappeared when I discovered sports and got into shape. Another one ended when I got out of high school and into college. Just figuring out how the world worked a little at a time helped put things, including the girl, into perspective.
Unavailable isn’t unattainable—it just depends on how much you want it and the price you’re willing to pay for it. When you decide that it isn’t worth the price, you can move on. If your infatuation doesn’t reciprocate, you move on. It’s a decision that’s in your power; move on or find a way to have what you want if you both want it.
Not having any details to go on, my comments are terribly generalized. but moving on emotionally is one way to “deal with the situation.”
Do you suck at dating because you can’t get past your feelings for this one young lady, or does your infatuation spare you having to actively attempt dating at all? I ask because my roommate from college focuses on a series of unattainable men–for the past 25 years, she’s been “in love” with 3 gay men and has never dated anyone.
I believe that the traditional method is to find a waterfall out in the middle of nowhere and sit under it while wearing only a loincloth. Stay there until you have purged the unpure thoughts from your mind.
Otherwise, just keep looking for someone else to ask out figuring that once you find someone, you’ll forget.
I’ve always been pretty bad at dating, and the more I attempt it the clearer it becomes that I’m not any damned good at it. The infatuation is a relatively recent thing.
This is exactly the type of advice I was looking for. The only problem is that I don’t know where to buy a loincloth.
I say embrace it. Not to the point of making her uncomfortable, but just in your own private world. Be the white knight, loving his unattainable Lady from afar.
I love infatuations. They’re so trembly and exciting! I love to just quietly note the butterflies in my stomach when he walks into the room, the aching and the longing and the swooning…good times.
And y’know, I find that if I just really let myself *feel *all that, without telling myself about how it wouldn’t work and I’m crazy and I shouldn’t feel like that…if I just really let myself luxuriate it in and feel it completely, it’s mercifully short lived. If I fight it, it can persist for decades.
Respectfully, I disagree. Embracing it = holding on to hope in something that (from the sounds of it) is not going to happen. This can (and does) hold people back from living in reality and having healthy relationships with people who can and will love you back.
Even if you are of “healthy mind” it can do bad things for your self esteem and perceptions of what real relationships are about. If you are not of “healthy mind” it can lead to stalking, obsession and law enforcement visits.
I am glad that you brought up this aspect though, since I think that most people who have unrequited infatuation do tend to live it in their fantasies and this (for a little while, at least) will make them happy enough to keep feeding the situation. Most of us do not stay in a bad situation (physically, mentally, or emotionally) unless we are getting something out of it, even if that something isn’t real. Usually once you decide that you’re really had enough of it, you can find a way to move on. I’d say that many people who do not are holding onto it for that small benefit it is giving them.
To the OP: since finding someone else to replace her in your thoughts isn’t working out, perhaps you could some kind of aversion therapy in regards to her like snapping a rubber band on your wrist or make a list of the reasons you cannot be with her.
Or, when you find yourself thinking about her tell yourself “STOP” and make yourself go exercise. You’ll have something else to focus on and you’ll get the benefit of the workout.
If you are able to, make sure you are avoiding contact with her at all costs. Hopefully you don’t work with her.
No, no, you misunderstand me. I didn’t say I hold out hope, merely that I’ve found it more useful to enjoy the feelings - the pleasant physical and mental sensations - of an infatuation, rather than fight them. I can do that without holding *any *hope that something is going to happen. It’s just a matter of keeping myself mindfully in the present and not anticipating the future. And, in fact, doing so makes the infatuation get out of my system much more quickly, will far less drama.
I’m not Stranger, of course. I don’t know if it’s something *he *can do. But it’s what works best for me, and so I shared it 'cause he asked what can be done to deal with it.
Put her out of your mind. Period. Every time you find yourself thinking about her, force yourself to think about something else. You will have to do that a lot at first, but you can train yourself to do it and it gets easier with time. It won’t be easy, but unless you want her on your mind possibly for years you have to do it.
On the other hand, if she’s someone you have to see regularly or even just from time to time…I got nothin’.
Had this problem once and my cure was: let her know; get shot down; hurt like hell; deal with the awkwardness; get over it. I kinda feel if I hadn’t, I’d have pined for her for years more.
This has always worked for me also. The whole “put it out of your mind” thing makes it much worse for me, I find that just enjoying the ride, heck, reveling in the ride, makes it shorter, more enjoyable, and far less dramatic in the end. If you find yourself riding a tiger, you might as well enjoy the ride, or so it seems to me.
The only thing is, I gather that many people (and particularly y-chromosome types for some reason) simply cannot do this – or at least report that they cannot – and I can imagine that if you could not separate the holding of the hope/doing something about it from the enjoyment of the feelings and sensations, it could be a bad idea to try. But I am with you, I have always liked having a crush very much for that reason. It isn’t every day you get to be a kid again.
It might be that the main difference is that in general guys are expected to be the initiators of a relationship. Girls get to enjoy attention, guys have to give attention. Sitting back and enjoying it is mutually exclusive of our method of enjoyment.