Cure Serendipity's longing!

Sigh, sigh, sigh. I am terribly smitten with this guy who is, as far as I can tell, nearly perfect. (I’m sure he would be completely perfect if he didn’t have a girlfriend and was madly in love with me.) I was too busy with other things in high school to really have the whole gut-wrenching crush experiences many of my friends had – not there was a huge supply of swoon-worthy boys at my school, anyway. Now, I’m being hit hard by this bizarre teen angst/giddiness/generally pining away stuff. (I think it’s try to run its cycle before I turn twenty.) It’s not what I would call pleasant.

I come to you, dear Dopers, to ease the pain of unrequited love. The way I see, there are a few ways to remedy my heartache:
[list=1]
[li]Someone needs to teach me a magic spell to cast on the aforementioned guy that will make him adore me.[/li][li]As tater suggested in the pity thread, I could switch teams.[/li][li]I need another person to transfer my affections to. (Should there be a “Hi, Opal!” here?)[/li][li]I had more ideas earlier, when I was less exhausted and more lucid. Feel free to add a suggestion.[/li][/list=1]

Option three is looking most tempting at the moment. Any ideas?

You don’t need to say Hi! Opal, no matter how short your list is, but you certainly don’t need it for a list of 4 items.

Switching teams is a swell-sounding idea, but when you think about it, it’s probably not. For starters there are fewer lesbians than men, and I’m guessing all the good ones are taken. And you’d have to endure all the men saying “Huh uh uh, I’m a lesbian, I like wimmins.” Don’t they know how lame that sounds? But, I digress.

It’s been a while since I’ve had an unrequited love, but contrary to popular opinion, my prefered method is the Tater Total Immersion Plan (TTIP for short). What you need to do is schedule a huge block of time (weekends at the parents are best) and totally surround yourself with objects, sounds and scents that remind you of your unrequited love. Wallow in your pity. Stare wistfully out the window, and when somebody asks what is the matter, smile weakly and say “oh, nothing”. It is optional, but preferable that you wear ratty sweats while doing this, but coffee-stained jammies will work, too.

By the end of the weekend you will be so sick of this person, that his name will sound like fingernails scratching on a blackboard.

Then, you’ll be ready to go on with life. I wouldn’t recommend a transfer of affection, because frankly it doesn’t work. Find something fun to occupy your time, and love will come when you least expect it. I know that sounds corny, but it’s true. And don’t worry, these things happen well into your 20s…you’ll get plenty of practice dealing with them. :smiley:

  1. Learn to roleplay, and that way pretend he’s gone, or just create the perfect imaginary replacement. :wink:

Awww!! {{serendipity}}

If you really need to, I’ll mail you out, for the bargian price of $19.95, a Twisty worship kit. It will include:

1 x Picture of me (picture quality may vary)
1 x Personalised letter from me.
1 x Months supply of e-mails from me.

and as a special bonus this month, a lock of my hair.
Perfect for all your pining needs!!!

:wink:

Ah serendipity,

Your OP does bring back memories, the pang of love, the stab of desire . . . and the bleeding of star crossed hearts. Maybe its just me, but it seems that while crushes always come and go they are never as powerful as in youth. May I offer a strange piece of advice ? Drink deep of these feelings, immerse yourself in them. Listen to love songs on the radio and daydream. Write love letters but don’t send them. Embrace those endorphins. Will anything come of it ? If he has a girlfriend probably not. Who knows though eh ? Just wanted to point out : the fluttery feeling you get around him is a gift in and of itself.

Or you could just worship Twisty.

  • NM

Well, you could transfer your affections to devastatingly handsome bald man :D, but are you absolutely certain this guy does not adore you already?

Talk to him, find out.

Then I will teach you the proper incantation to capture his soul.

You know, the girlfriend in question could have … an accident. Accidents happen.

Oh, you all are the best. :slight_smile:

TTIP sounds good, but I won’t be back at home until December 20, and my dorm room is not exactly conducive to wallowing in pity. I think that for true wallowing, you need candles and lots of them. Sadly, BC has declared anything that involves flames contraband after an unfortunate incident last year. Plus, it’s difficult to stare wistfully out the window with construction workers walking by every five minutes… I’ll have to stick to mini-immersion sessions until the holidays: cheesy love songs, the occassional weary smile, and embracing those endorphins NothingMan spoke of.

You know, Narile, our bookstore does sell “Boyfriend in a Box” products. Hmm… :wink:

And, spooje, I’m positive that this guy does adore me, but the most platonic sense of the word. Not that I’m complaining about that – I’ll take adoration any way I can get it! :smiley: Now, about those incantations…

Twisty, I hope that’s just a starter kit, because you need unwashed t-shirts, cologne, and a daily itinerary for hardcore pining. Besides, I already worship you! You don’t want to feed that. :wink:

An accident seems like an easy fix at first, Snooooopy, but what if it elevates her to a goddess-like status? I can’t compete with that kind of lost love! :slight_smile:

What you need.

-One dark red/crimson candle.
-One picture of the aforementioned beau.
-Two pieces of pink cloth. Preferably silk or something else really soft.
-Pink thread, and a sewing needle.
-One piece of hematite.
-Loose fitting clothes.
-And some insence or music that puts you in a loving mood can’t hurt either but aren’t nessecary. (I reccomend “Pussy” if you’re going for a loving mood smell. You can find it any place that sells aromatherapy stuff.)

Set your mood, put on the loose clothes and get very comfortable. Light the candle and sit with it to your left, but still in front of you. Think of your beau, or anyone for that matter, that you are attracted to. Look at his picture. Think of him and only him. Now for what I consider the hard part. Concentrate very carefully and focus on him loving you. Not just what it would be like. Not just what your first date might be like, but focus on what it would feel like to have him love you. Breathe very deeply and slowly and concentrate on what he would say to you. Every aspect that would be focused at you, think about.

While you’re doing all this, hold the piece of hematite in your right hand and close your fist around it very slowly over and over again. Like you’re squeezing the air around it. Once it begins to feel like the hematite isn’t there any more, close your hand completely.

Place your left hand in front of the candle. Just to where you can feel it’s warmth. Don’t burn yourself. Keeping your focus what it would feel like to be loved, imagine the warmth of the candle as the outward expression of you recieving that love. That warmth coming into you. Imagine it flowing through your heart and down to the hematite in your right hand. Keep your focus. This may be really hard, but just try. Keep doing this until you can’t anymore. Until you completely lose all focus and can’t concentrate on anything anymore. When you feel that you’re finished. Stand slowly and blow out the candle. Open your right hand and place the piece of hematite between the two pieces of cloth. Thread your needle and sew the cloth together around the stone. Take this time to just relax. Try not to think about anything.

Place the cloth with the hematite in the front pocket of whatever you’ll be wearing the next day. Then try to forget about it. Don’t think about what you’ve done, and just go to bed.

The stone should attract love to you for the whole of the next day. Just don’t think about it. And do “NOT” tell anyone of your spell or show the cloth to anyone for any reason.

Okay, I may sound completely crazy to you, but you asked for a spell so I thought I’d give you one. Maybe you’ll try it, maybe you won’t, but just remember:

-Telling anyone about your spell, or showing them what you did, will break the spell.
-The first rule is always to harm nothing, including yourself, so be careful.

Hope I’ve helped. Good luck with your beau.

Wow. Just wow. Maybe magical spells are a bit too eerie for timid little me. I’m going to have to think about that one for a while.

May I ask if this has worked for you, Simetra?

  1. Get naked.
  2. Post pictures.
  3. Seren makes dopers pine for her.

Misery enjoys company.

To answer your question, I’m terribly sorry, but no you may not. Sorry. :slight_smile:

However, to what you said, you have life’s energy within you. Call it whatevery you want, but it’s there with every breath you take and every thought in your head. “Magic” is not beyond anyone’s grasp. Even timid little you. :wink:

I hate to break it to you, Chief, but naked pictures of me would send the Dopers running in horror.

Fine, then. You will instead have to plant evidence that the girlfriend worships Satan and molests cats. She will be alive, but discredited, and the path will be clear for romance!

[hijack]
Stay away from love spells. Whether they work or not isn’t an issue. To use magic as a form of personal manipulation is wrong and will come around to bite you in the ass one way or another.
[/byejack]

That’s why I only suggested an attraction spell that I know. It’s not a spell of manipulation. Only fortune. Manipulation spells get very close to Nnecromancy and I don’t play with shit like that. That will hurt you.

I don’t know if I can be that evil! Wouldn’t it be better if she just became involved with someone else? That way, I’m guilt-free and everyone can be happy. Anyone interested in coming to Boston to seduce a college girl? :wink:

The more I consider the use of magic spells (attraction, manipulation, or otherwise), the less it seems like a viable option. It sort of conflicts with going to a Jesuit school and the idea of actually performing (is that the right word?) a spell (rather than just pretending it) makes me a little uncomfortable. I do thank you for the recipe, though, Simetra, and for your good wishes. :slight_smile:

Anytime. :smiley:

But evil is GOOD!

C’mon … once you’ve planted the evidence and broken them up, the (ex-)girlfriend will find someone else and live happily ever after. Probably.

You could also write excruciatingly-detailed stories about you and this guy who’s unavailable. That’s what I used to do.

Just make sure nobody else sees them. Might kinda give people the wrong expression.