Advise the repressed guy

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m a 41 year old married lawyer.

I was having some trouble with my computer, so I walked down the hall to see our computer person. She is probably about my age, don’t know if she is married, I know she has at least one kid.
I think I am pleasant with her - I ask how she’s doing, tell her her dress looks nice, joke around a bit, but nothing approaching intimate. I find it always pays to be on pleasant terms with the support staff and the folks who keep the hamsters fed. My personality is such that I probably tend to be a little more informal than strict professionalism would dictate.

So, I see her in the hall, and say, “You’re just who I was looking for.” She makes a motion like - to hold my hand. Which was really wierd. I tend not to be overly or demonstratively physical with anyone. Don’t know if I’ve ever touched anyone at work - other than possibly an extremely rare backslap or handshake. I can’t remember the last time I held anyone other tham my wife’s or kids’ hands. If so, it would probably be less than 5 of our closest friends. And certainly no one at work.

But when someone clearly acts like they want to hold your hand, it is hard to casually decline. Especially on the spot. So I took her hand - feeling very uncomfortable. And as we walked towards my office, I exaggeratedly swung our arms, to make it look silly and childlike should anyone see, rather than affectionate or intimate. Bottomline, rightly or wrongly I was uncomfortable, and really wanted to get my hand out of hers as quickly as possible.

So she says she’ll take care of what I need on her computer, and I promptly separate from her to allow her to do so.

After my computer problem is solved, I e-mail her "Thanks."
She responds, "for holding your hand? It’s all part of people skills…"

Again, that strikes me as inappropriate.

Soooo - what do you guys think, and what, if anything, might I do to either keep this from happening again - or how do I respond if something like it ever happens again.

2

Golly. Timing is everything. I just got out of a mandatory 45 minute Sexual Harassmant class at work.

She was acting inappropriately, not using people skills. If this continues, it’s creating a hostile environment. If that continues, it’s sexual harassment, which is a crime.

Just point out to her that you’re not comfortable touching people in the workplace, and that part of ‘people skills’ should be the ability to respect peoples’ personal space.

If she waffles at you, ask her if she would have done it if she was a guy. If the answer is no…

3

Just say " Let’s not hold hands, 'kay?"

4

I think she just made a casual flirtation. If it’s unwanted (as you say it is) just respond the way “they” seem to teach women when the opposite situation happens:

“THAT’S UNWANTED PHYSICAL CONTACT YOU PIG. TAKE YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF OF ME OR I’LL CALL A COP AND YOU’LL BE HAULED AWAY AND I’LL OWN EVERYTHING YOU HAVE YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF FILT”. :slight_smile:

5

Actually, a simple “I’d prefer it if you didn’t hold my hand” will do.

6

Ugh. I can’t stand touchy-feely people.

Hand-holding, though, is a figurative term used in the 'puter biz for when a tech has to walk a user through every. single. step. Maybe she was being a smart-ass by literally holding your hand.

7

This was bothering me, so I tracked down a supervisor. Things are complicated a but by the fact that many of the top muckety mucks - including my immed. supervisor - are out this week. In fact, I am in charge of a hunk of our office.

So I tracked down a guy I have known for some time. Told him what happened. Told him my preference was to not make a big deal out of it. But my primary concern is with my job security. And I want to have some record about this, in the remote eventuality some shit comes down later. He said what I described is not too unusual compared to how she has acted towards him - tho she has never held his hand. He suggested waiting until her direct supervisor was back in the office, and then he’d see if they could broach it with her in general terms.

I printed off the e-mail from her, and made notes about my discussion with the supervisor.

It may seem like I’m making a big deal out of a stupid little thing, but I am the primary bread winner (and make a comfortable living) for a family of 5, and I am extremely sensitive to anything that could conceivably threaten that.

As a lawyer, I am very aware of the importance of creating a paper trail. I’m sure this was entirely innocent, and nothing will ever come of it, but in the one in a quadrillionzilliongoogle chances that she goes whacko some day, I want to have done my best to have my butt covered.

Meanwhile, you’ll recognize me as the guy walking down the hall with both hands full, or in my pockets, or both!

8

Dude, I think you massively overreacted. What she did was not sexual in the least little bit. The fact that you don’t like touching co-workers is a separate issue. No one is saying you have to hold hands with anyone, but creating a paper trail is grossly over the top. A guy stuck his HAND DOWN MY PANTS in the office and he didn’t even get fired, and my boss was a lawyer!

Relax, take your lawyer hat off, and next time she tries to hold your hand, tell her you’re not the type.

9

I agree. It’s not like she grabbed you by your balls and led you to your office.

:rolleyes:

10

Hello again Dinsdale.
We’ve sorta met on the boards before, and now I’m begining to see you’re a lot like me.
You’re not overreacting at all. Imagine what a horse’s ass you’d feel like if this did come back to haunt you, and you had no notes at all.
(Ladies, he doesn’t have to do anything with the notes if all goes well. It’s just like wearing a safety belt in a car. Good protection for an unlikely event.)
I’d be uncomfortable too. No more hand holding, ever! It’s probably harmless, but in some workplaces (or some people) you never can tell.
You are doing the right thing. I know you know this, but there’s no need to be jerkish about the whole thing. You do need to establish reasonable boundaries for workplace conduct though.

11

I’ve never wanted to hold hands with someone I wasn’t attracted to, excluding my kids of course. Hand holding comes into your personal space and I wouldn’t do it with someone I just work with!

12

I don’t get it. You said that you took her hand. Isn’t it possible that you misinterpreted her gesture? Even if you didn’t, how is she supposed to know that she made you feel uncomfortable?

13

Here’s a little white lie you can use: “I need to pee; be back in a minute!”

You’ll both get a good, laugh out of it and you can excuse yourself for a minute or so.

14

Thanks, all.

Uh, chula, sorry if I was imprecise, but the situation was where it was clear she intended to take my hand. To avoid it would have required an active reaction on my part, which I did not instinctively do. Sorry if I cannot be clearer, and if you cannot envision what I am trying to describe.

15

So sad that the best of intentions (sexual harrassment laws) have come to this.

Part of me thinks “Dude, get a grip…A nice woman holds your hand; you should be happy.”

Then the reality sets in:

“Dude! Tell your boss! Tell your wife! Tell your lawyer! Write it all down! Keep records!”

sigh

16

Hello again Dinsdale. FWIW, I concur with Forbin. It is probably totally innocent (some people are just physically demonstrative), but I’ve seen enough weird stuff over the course of my career that I believe you can never be too careful.

17

Uh, Human Resources?
I’m being cyber-stalked by some software developing cheesehead!

18

::Algernon pokes his head through the doorway ala Nicholson in The Shining::

Heeeeerrrr’s Algie!!!

~grin~

Say… I think I might check out Cafe Society. I hear Dinsdale has a thread about Black Comedies…

19

Dinsdale - I know how you feel. I’m not a toucher. I don’t like people reaching out toward me to remove lint, tucking in tags, that sort of thing, as well as people who seem to want to touch you while they talk to you. I’ve had to tell co-workers that they need to stop, and it wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. Especially after I accidentally punched on co-worker that came up behind me and was tucking in the tag of my shirt.

StG

20

Dinsdale you said you are a lawyer, right? Shouldn’t you be able to answer your own employment questions? I think you over overreacted. Relax.