I just wanted to pop in to say that frank communication is the more important element above and beyond any medications or other products. And that this communication should happen a lot earlier than you, as a parent, probably think it should. Kids are learning about and experiencing sex at a much earlier age than the current crop of parents seems to grasp. I don’t know whether the parents have bad memories or if kids in the last 30 years are different… but 14 is not so early for all of this.
My parents broached each element of their sex ed with me and my brothers about three years after we’d already figured out the information on our own. My dad gave me the sample box of condoms after I’d already had several opportunities to have had sex (if I’d pursued them).
The conversations I did have with my parents were also heavily scripted and contained nothing personal of any sort. For example, when cautioning me about the risks of pregnancy, it might have been a good idea to mention that they got pregnant with me on accident, that they rushed marriage before she showed, and that it kind of ruined their plans to finish college. But I had to do the math and read between the lines to figure out that that was the real story of my conception. (The closest admission: At 21 my dad says “You know, I was your age when we had you. You should make sure to be consistent with using condoms.” No s—, Sherlock!)
So… let the conversation about birth control evolve out of the larger conversation that needs to happen, and don’t kid yourself: sex is already a non-stop topic of conversation/thought for 14-year-olds.
Really? You can in the UK- I know I didn’t have one, and you can get some oral contraceptives over the counter at pharmacies here now. It might vary by region.
Make sure she has access to condoms, and encourage her to ask you if/when she wants to go on the pill; it’s her choice, your job is just to help her make it the right one- and make sure you mention that you know going on the pill is not an automatic declaration of wanting to have sex- (I went on to control hormone levels causing eczema originally) you don’t want her getting too embarrassed to ask, and having it not so fully associated with being sexually active could help with this.
Are you her mother or her father? Both parents need to act together on this, although some details might be better discussed with just Mom.
It’s a bit late to bring up the subject of sex if it’s never been mentioned in your house. Does her school offer sex education? What sort? One hopes not “Abstinence only.”
I know a lot of girls who were first put on hormonal contraceptives ostensibly for period problems who really wanted it for contraception, so you could approach it from that angle with her.
Personally, I wouldn’t assume that “The Pill” is necessarily the best option. Oral contraceptives are markedly less effective if you miss doses (that’s how a lot of those “She got pregnant even on the pill!” stories happen - not always but often because the woman wasn’t taking it properly and consistently). I think that the need for daily dosing makes it a poor choice for many adolescents, honestly. I know that when I was that age I was not very good about remembering to take medication daily.
For that reason, you may want to make sure that she is aware of options like the Nuva Ring, the Patch, and Depo Provera that are easier for a youngster to remember.
While of course you can’t literally force birth control on a teen, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be very proactive about trying to get your daughter on birth control before she “Needs” it. It would be nice to think that every teen girl will rationally think about sex and ask her parents for help ahead of doing it, but that’s not realistic. Even if you try your best to teach them the right way to do things, sometimes teens do stupid things. Because they’re teens.
For example, I know of someone who had to cajole her daughter into getting on Depo Provera because the mom caught on to the fact that her daughter WANTED to get pregnant and was TRYING to do so. The girl apparently was one of those “I want a baby because babies are cute and a baby will love me” types. It happens. As much as society would like to think otherwise, the reality is that not all teen pregnancies are “accidents”.
Another issue is that even if YOU are comfortable with talking about sex and birth control with your daughter, that doesn’t mean SHE would be comfortable with talking about it with you. I know that would have been case between my parents and myself when I was an adolescent. There is no way I would ever, EVER have talked about sex or birth control with my parents as a teenager (when my mom tried to bring it up, I refused to talk about it because it was too embarrassing to me). Thankfully I had enough sense not to try to have unprotected sex, but some kids out there might very well risk it rather than have a mortifying talk with mom and dad even if mom and dad are very welcoming of it.
So, yeah, I think you would be justified in starting to bring up this issue now.
Sure you can. You just make sure they take it every day, like any other medication that might require parental oversight. Not saying that it’s the way to go, but it can certainly be done.
I promise you this is not true. Any pediatrician can phone in a script for the pill with no pelvic exam, and I have personally seen it done several times. I don’t know about *all *Planned Parenthoods, but I personally know of one PP that does not require it.
My PP will give emergency oc to cover a gap (1-2 months) without a pelvic but not any more than that. Shit, I’ve been on the same oc for 10 years and they won’t write me a 2 year prescription. In fact my private GYN wont write a 6month prescription without an exam (and I have NO history of positive paps or any other medical history that needs to be monitored) Apparently its way easier for a 14 year old to get oral contraception than a grown-ass woman.
Parent of three kids now in their 20s here, so I do have some experience. I think it’s a mistake to expect teens to come to their parents and announce that they’re ready to start having sex, who would do that? And why should they have to?
In our family having “the talk” was an ongoing thing throughout their childhoods, but at the beginning of the teen years I sat them all down and told them there was a large packet of condoms in a drawer in the family room, large enough that no one will notice if you grab a few, and then a few more.
Then I took each of them for a physical and we had the moment where I said ok, I’m stepping out of the room so you can have a private, adult conversation with your doctor. That way they had a medical professional to discuss sex and birth control with, and the confidentiality that every sexually active adult deserves.
I wanted them to be smart and safe, and I taught them how to do that, but I really didn’t think it was any of my business when and how they started having sex.
I think it’s not too early to talk to her about starting regular GYN checkups, during the first of which she can discuss with the Dr various hormonal BC methods. As other posters have noted, some women react badly to certain types of pills (I did as a teenager) while some get benefits far beyond just pregnancy prevention. I was lucky in that my Primary Care doc at that age did pelvic exams too - she was (is still I’d imagine) an awesome Nurse Practitioner. Please don’t pressure her into taking medication that affects her body in such profound ways, let it be a decision between her and her doctor, with you there as moral support and giving input as requested.
A gift of a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves, a few different brands of condoms and maybe a few other things may be in order*, with an accompanying talk about boundaries, decision-making and responsibility can be helpful as well. Let her know what your expectations for her are about sex are, but that you love her unconditionally and want her to have the tools she needs to make safe decisions even if she chooses to go against your wishes in this matter.
I’d argue that one big goal here is for her to know that she is the only one who can decide if she’s going to have sex or not. It’s not really up to you any more than it is up to her boyfriend, her friends or anyone else. You of course have a vested interest here, but the most you can hope for is that she respects your judgment and authority as a parent enough to make choices you’ll be proud of.
*Perhaps a few “life-skills-tools” that aren’t sex-related? If this was 15 years ago I’d say a phone card for if she gets in a bad situation and needs help, but I assume she has a cell. Maybe a nice multitool like a leatherman? She can’t bring that to school, but so helpful to have around otherwise. Can anyone think of anything interesting to round out the conversation toward more general “prepare for all contingencies” issues? Maybe a general life-survival handbook to complement Our Bodies? I’m getting interested in the idea of a survival kit for your teen years…
Oh, and if you give her condoms (I like **moejoe’**s approach too) check the expiration date and set yourself a reminder to buy her another box when it comes. You don’t want her going off to college and getting it on with 5 year old condoms!
I’m sorry to tell you this, but your doctors are doing you a disservice. Currently, “the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommend that women begin Pap test screening at age 21, be screened every 2 years through age 30, and then be screened every 3 years as long as their last three test results have been normal”. In many other countries, it’s even less often. I was flat out told by my general practitioner that the reason most gynecologists require a pelvic screen more often than that and a Pap at least yearly is that they get paid very little for an “office visit”, and significantly more for a procedure. The doctors you are using may be using your birth control as a hostage for your compliance in padding their bill, whether they realize it or not. There is no need for any pelvic checks more than two years unless you are experiencing symptoms or checking the proper situation of inserted devices. Blood pressure monitoring while on hormonal birth control is far more important. Pelvic exams do nothing to check for any side effects, risk factors, or other pertinent information in regards to hormonal birth control. They just let the doctor charge more. This is one reason we are looking at a nation with heavily inflated medical costs.
A bank account, and a credit/debit card for starters. Make sure she can balance her checkbook and calculate compound interest (at least with the rule of 72 or something). If she gets an allowance, transfer it to her account and let her figure out how to retrieve and manage her own money. It blows my mind how many adults NEVER figure this stuff out.
Err, I did. My parents were open about discussing sex from the time my brother and I were very young - we had a “How Babies Are Made” children’s book, and if we were curious enough to ask a question, then they considered us mature enough for the answer.
When I was ready to start thinking about sex, including heavy petting that carried a possible risk of pregnancy or STD, I went to my parents, and I got on the pill and got to carry around condoms. I could do that because they’d established a lot of trust with me on that score through my life - no denial, no artificial shaming, not shutting me down for curiosity, but being calm and mature about the whole thing.
I’d feel bad if my kid (when/if I ever have one) doesn’t feel comfortable enough to tell me something like that.
Good one! I had a hard time when hormonal BC led to cascading yeast infections in part because my mom hadn’t ever had one herself and therefore didn’t have any advice to give on the subject.
With the exception of -going to my parents-, this was all true in the family I raised as well. The point isn’t (I hope) that kids going to their parents at this point in their lives is the measure of good parenting, it’s that not every kid will feel comfortable doing that. Even if they have a great, open, respectful relationship with their parents they may decide that they prefer some privacy there.
And my point was that if you set yourself up as the only avenue for birth control you’re not being respectful of that possible need for privacy. I can’t imagine feeling bad that my kids didn’t come to me with something personal, it’s up to them to decide what to share and what to keep to themselves. They are allowed to have secrets
They’re really good kids and I trust them, but making them come through mommy to get access to behaving like an adult just seems, I don’t know, intrusive? Controlling?
Hmmm… About 15 years ago a co-worker mentioned how she had to tell her daughter she would not let her go to a classmate’s baby shower… In seventh grade.
Teenage boys are only after one thing… Or two, if you count oral sex separately.
