My gf's parents, trust, lack of it and strictness

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

ugh. this isn’t the pit, so I can’t say half the shit I want to…

Anyway, my girlfriend’s parents have told my girlfriend for the past few years that if she was ever in a relationship and if she was thinking of having sex just come to them to talk about birth control. They said they’d rather see her safe and talk to them than ending up pregnant.

My girlfriend and I (both 17 years old), who have been going out for 11 months (and not had sex) both decided that sex was a possibility, but not quite yet in our relationship.

My girlfriend and I trusted her parents, so we went to them and talked to them about it.

Next thing I know I get a call from her father saying that from now on I was never allowed to drive my girlfriend anywhere, never allowed to go on a date besides the movie theater (no parties, no friends houses, nothing) and he said he’d kill me if he found out about myself and my girlfriend having sex.
He promised that he would come to my house and kill me and if I was 18 (which I will be a couple months before my girlfriend) he’d have me arrested before he killed me.

Beautiful.
Amazing trap. Get your own daughter to trust you with some very personal thoughts by promising her help when she needs it,
then use that information to find out what’s going on in her personal life, threaten to kill her boyfriend and limit their already limited time together.

And this is comming from a couple who I’ve heard talk about all the fun parties, all the crazy fun stuff they did.
Her dad dropped out of highschool, her mom dropped out of the first year of college, and we’re both planning to go through with college and get good jobs. We’re both great students, neither of us do drugs, nothing.

I spent the prom night with my girlfriend and her parents while my friends were out partying. I love my girlfriend so much that I didn’t go off and get drunk with my friends, I stick by her and we have a very healthy relationship.

I’ve never done one thing to loose her parent’s trust since the day I met them, they’ve known exactly where we’ve been on our dates, what times, everything.

And I get a death threat.
How do I handle this?

2

Are you kidding me? Babe, you just hit the jackpot. Overbearing, jealous, trickster dad? You’ll have trouble keeping her OUT of your bed.

Keep being honest with the GF, buy a ladder, some condoms, and do yourself a favor…

Write your experiences down, print out Algernon’s thread, and save it in a folder labeled: “Advice to myself about raising a daughter.”

Might come in handy in a couple of years.

-Ace

3

I’m serious here.

Yes, we both want to rebel against the rules, but we live 40 miles apart, neither of us could afford a vehicle anytime in the forseeable future. Her parents are one tiny little problem away from making it so I don’t see my girlfriend.

4

Dads and daughters and sex is a volatile mix. You might suggest that your girl friend and her mom have a calm, private chat without dad.

Girlfriend could discuss her feelings of betrayed trust, father’s over-reaction including threats to you, how his stance on her contemplating having sex appears hypocritical and unfair compared to his behavior when he was her age, and why they told her to come to them for help with birth control when they didn’t mean it?

Tell her to present her case in a mature, reasoned manner and not throw a hissy fit. Maybe it will open her folks eyes.

5

Stage a breakup with her. Then have her pretend to date a really low life scummy boy for a month or so (as long as she can bear it). Then have her “get back together” with you.

You’ll seem so good in comparison that her parents will be buying you condoms and renting you motel rooms by the hour.
Could work :slight_smile:

(Seriously, though, that’s a shitty situation, and I wish you the best of luck… and I second GKW’s suggestion that her mom might be a useful ally)

6

GKW:

She first brought it up to her mom and talked to it for quite some time with positive results (her mom said she’d talk to her dad and then we could all talk together).

Then her dad gets involved.

And we were more mature than most teens are. We both actually went to them. How often does that happen in today’s world? We could’ve gone and had sex with less protection, maybe a condom, but we didn’t feel entirely safe.

And to top it off the next day her older sister (step sister) stops in for the first time in a very long time for no real reason except to bring her little 3 year old for a visit while she said to my girlfriend “oh! Isn’t she so cute?! Don’t you just want one?!”

So they used a 3 year old relative as a tool.

And we came to them for the exact reason of making it so that she wouldn’t get pregnant!
Why are they using a little kid as a tool?

7

Oy, clayton. That’s seriously fucked up.

I really have no suggestions, as I’ve chosen to avoid any hint of a dating life so as to not have to deal with MY parents, but keep your chin up. :confused:

8

The easiest thing for you to do is to lie. Tell the parents you’ve thought it over and decided you’re not ready for a sexual relationship. Thank them for helping to set you straight.

9

He actually called you to say he would kill you? That is insane.

10

lainaf is exactly right – lying, in this situation, is the right thing to do. Her parents (especially her dad) aren’t emotionally prepared to deal with the idea of their daughter having sex, even if logically they believe that there is nothing wrong with a person her age having sex, or if they had sex when they were the same age.

So keep them out of it. They really don’t need to know. If you both feel mature enough to have sex, then you should be able to handle the details of sneaking around on your own. It sucks – you shouldn’t have to, especially based on what they said, but it’s life. It’ll be better when you go away to college.

Go to Planned Parenthood if there’s one in your area and talk to them about your birth control options. They are very knowledgeable and will often provide services for little or no money if you can’t pay. In my own experience, if you’re careful and practice putting them on so you don’t make mistakes, condoms really should be fine. (One tip – always leave space at the top. It’s a common beginner’s mistake and can lead to breakage.) My wife and I used them for years without a problem, as do most of our friends.

11

That should say “it’s a common beginner’s mistake not to leave space at the top and can lead to breakage.”

Just wanted to be really clear about that.

12

Myself and my girlfriend are not comfortable with only condoms. We really care a lot about our future, the risks and the problems with sex.
We won’t have sex if she isn’t on the pill.
That’s why we went to her parents in the first place, they said they’d help her get them.
We don’t know of a way to get them on our own, and we want to make sure it’s perfectly safe.

13

From the Planned Parenthood website:

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/library/FAQ’s.html#PILL

To find the nearest Planned Parenthood in your area: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/ZIP.HTM

Keep in mind if you do decide to go behind you girlfriend’s parent’s back, you could be putting yourself in danger. It may be wise to wait until you are both 18.

14

Thanks Dr. Lau, That information will probably help.

I still have a major problem with her parents, we don’t want to be lying and sneeking around, it’s just not healthy/normal to have to deal with all of those problems.

I do have the fact that he did threaten my life, but I can’t use that, once I do there is absolutely NO chance I see my girlfriend outside of school.

They just have to realize that she isn’t their little girl anymore, that at 17 she is capable of making her own decisions.

We decided to go see her parents, we trusted them.
Sadly they have lost our trust, the next time we have a major decision we arn’t going to her parents, it really hurt us to get burned.

15

Just to let you know, if you’re 18 and she’s 17, having sex is not a crime.
Yeah, I realize this doesn’t even come close to solving your problem, just thought it might be a relief to know you wouldn’t go to jail before being buried in an unmarked grave in dad’s backyard.

16

Enderw, where do you know this from?

17

Oh, man. I’m sorry, Clayton. That’s screwed up.

It sounds like GF’s mom is a bit more level-headed. Is she still trying to work things out between you, GF, and GF’s dad?

18

Strangely we thought her mom would’ve been the one who would flip, but obviously the mother/daughter relation compared to the father/daughter relationship was a better choice.
And when I was talking to her dad her mom had taken his side/ideas. She was yelling comments in the background.

19

Well, I have to concur that this is one of the most fucked up situations you could be in. Sorry to hear things got so crappy Clayton. I admit, it was nice of you to go to the parents becaue you wanted to do what was right, but informing a man that you’re going to be doing , what he sees as, unspeakable things to his daughter is NEVER the right thing to do. No matter how old she gets, she’ll always be his “little girl,” and no man seems to be ready for his daughter to be having sex.
I honestly don’t know what you can do in this situation except that you not get birth control without their knowledge, unless it’s a shot. If you get pills and her parents find them (which they will!), you two will never see hide nor hair of each other again. Best of luck with the situation, and hold tight to the fact that soon, you’ll both graduate and can both move out and do what you want.

20

Well, the point of statutory rape laws are to ensure that an adult doesn’t take advantage of a minor. A 14 year old cannot agree to having sex with a 27 year old. By law, she cannot. Even if she agrees, she’s not really agreeing. Ah, the fun of the law.
Now, two minors also cannot take advantage of each other either because they are, theoretically, of the same mental capacity.
That leaves those in-between times. 18 and 17, 19 and 17, 18 and 16…you get the point. What then? There’s not a huge gap in age or maturity level and you can’t possibly say that one person, age 18, is taking advantage of another person, age 17 and 364 days, can you?

So laws were created with this in mind. There’s a natural age gap that must occur between the “adult” and the “minor” before the minor cannot legally say yes to sex with his or her partner.

I cannot absolutely guarantee this to be the case in all states, let alone your state. But I am reasonably certain on this point. My non-legal legal advice is to check with someone in the know within your state.
But I think you have bigger problems to worry about than statutory rape, eh?