I have a friend. He’s 19. Today we went to breakfast, and afterwards, he confided in me that during the meal he received a text message from the 17 year old girl he’s semi-dating saying, “you should come over today because I think I’m ovulating.”
After both lecturing him and threatening him with physical violence for being a complete and utter moron, he told me his view on her trying to get pregnant is, and I quote, “if it happens, it happens.”
Their parenting qualifications:
She’s in highschool and works at K-mart.
He works a security job and lives in his car.
I like to think of myself as a reasonably responsible adult, and moreover, I would very much like to NOT see two of my friends effectively ruin their lives* on purpose.
What would you do in such a situation?
Continue with the “hey, this is a really bad idea” lectures?
Inform her (oblivious, I’m sure) parents? I’m sure they’d both hate me for it, but I think I’d be ok with that if it helped them in the long run.
Absolutely nothing?
Do I have a moral and/or legal (her being a minor) obligation to concern myself with this, or should I butt out and let them be idiots?
[sub]* I realize that having a child at a young age does not necessarily destroy one’s life, but holy crap… aren’t these things supposed to happen by accident?[/sub]
I’d call my friend a fucking moron and tell him that when his life falls to shit (or even more to shit–if it’s possible to be worse than homeless at 19, being homeless and a new father would do it), that if he comes to me for sympathy, he can fuck off.
I feel kinda bad, in a retarded puppy sort of way, for people who are idiots because they don’t know any better. This guy should, so he would get none.
Is there any possibility they’re going to sell the embryo to some rich person? (It doesn’t sound like they’re smart enough, but I had to ask!) :rolleyes:
This is a really tricky situation, and the first thing that came to mind was Maury’s talk show, who frequently have episodes about teenage girls desperately wanting to have babies.
The guy isn’t willing to listen, and the girl is actively trying to get pregnant while still in high school. Babies are expensive, and I’m sure you’ve told him that. His girlfriend may not realize that his security guard job and her K-Mart position are unlikely to produce enough money to support the kid, and will probably disqualify them for any sort of governmental aid due to “making too much money.” He lives in his car, and I have serious doubts about his girlfriend’s parents wanting to house not only the boyfriend, but a baby; if they were interested in housing the boyfriend, he probably would’ve been “adopted” into the family in some sort of interesting multi-generational situation. I just don’t see this working out too well, and your friend is already ignoring your protestations with “oh, it’ll work out” type responses.
Even though it’d be a bit of betrayal, her parents have the right to be informed that their daughter is actively trying to make a really, really, really dumb decision that they may not be willing to support. Maybe she’s assumed that they’ll bail her out and they’re convinced that bailing her out is not going to be an option if it happens or wouldn’t dream of her daughter being stupid enough to be trying to get pregnant with her boyfriend at this age. I think you should at least bring up the idea to the parents, regardless of what might happen to the friendship. As the girlfriend is still a minor, she is still her parents’ legal responsibility and they should probably be aware of what’s going on.
I’d almost say physical violence to stop him is called for here. The only way this will end is the ruining of 3 people’s lives, and the kid won’t even have done anything stupid to deserve that…unlike its parents. I don’t know about any legal obligation to do something, but as a friend I’d fight long and hard to keep them from willingly adding to the teen pregnancy problem, especially since they aren’t even in a “relationship.”
In my experience (from more naive days, only I wasn’t trying to get pregnant), it means he leads her to think they are dating so he can get in her pants without actually promising anything and leaving him able to play the field while getting regular sex.
Or what Br’er Lapin said.
I’d bitch smack him personally. What happens happens? Definitely bring up money, maybe that will smarten him up. As for the girl, if she’s trying to get pregnant at that age I think she has some issues that need to be worked out, and is probably hoping that since he hasn’t run screaming at her mention of wanting to get pregnant that he’ll marry her when she does so.
Do you know anyone with twins who might want to get away for the weekend? Drop 'em off on her doorstep. Triplets would be even better.
Jesus, I know we’re not in the pit, but this just pisses me off. I love my kid, but being a teenaged mother fucking sucked. Dating as a 20something single mother fucking sucked. I have absolutely no patience for someone who would, in this society, do it on purpose. In my not-so-humble opinion, getting pregnant at 17 on purpose almost by definition makes one an unfit mother. If it wasn’t for the fact that it would punish any actual children, I’d say such behavior should make one ineligible for public aid forever.
And your friend is an asshat, frankly. Does he expect them to become more emotionally bonded when they’re fighting over who’s turn it is to change the sprog at 3 am? Or does he intend to be a half-assed father like he’s a half-assed boyfriend? Does he just not care that an actual human being might spring forth from his spooge?
Sorry, I know *you *know it’s a bad idea. It’s just, for me, also an emotional one. I got grouped in with stupid bitches like this despite the fact that I was being exceedingly careful and used several redundant forms of birth control, all of which (obviously) failed. People assumed I was just irresponsible because of girls like this. Thanks for letting me vent.
There is probably nothing you can do. My sister did the same damn thing, only 2 years later. Now the baby and his father live with the paternal grandparents, and my sister pays child support (as she should), and sees the kid once or twice a week. Once she found out how much work a kid is and how expensive, she has lost interest. Funny that. They are going to make this mistake, and unless there are some good (hopefuly young) grandparents, this kid is going to have a really crappy life.
Teenage parenthood happened to my nephew-in-law, except that he believed the girl when she said she was on the pill. It was a train wreck in slow motion - it was obvious to all that she was a nutcase and he was too immature to be an effective partner or parent. But he was a really, really nice, bright kid.
Sum total of the result:
He was doing an apprenticeship, managed to finish it, but the turmoil screwed him up and had a major adverse effect on his ability to get and retain other jobs once he had his trade certificate.
He loves the child dearly, but is only allowed (by the mother) to see him a couple of time a year.
A large portion of his meagre wage is garnisheed in child support. This affects his ability to save, to get a new car, to think about having a family in a stable relationship in the future.
My suggestion is to find out how much will be taken from this guy’s wage in mandatory child support, and for how long, and make it clear to him that a child now means no new car short term, and probably no family later.
Somehow you have to tell both of them that kids are not pets. This is a human being, and they take a long time to reach adulthood and independence. We bottle fed both our kids after a few months - no choice. We traded off feeding times and both of us got very little sleep for the first year of both kid’s lives. My daughter was an early riser as a toddler, and it wasn’t uncommon for me, on weekends, to have drank a complete pot of coffee before the sun even came up, while playing house, reading, and eating pretend food at a table in her bedroom. The first 3 or 4 years are a lot of work.
I think both of them envision a cute, pink, little giggling bundle of joy - and at times they are just that – but mostly it’s feeding, changing diapers, burping, trying to stop the God awful wailing and crying, and cleaning up “spit up” from your shirt, the carpet, the car seat, the couch, etc.
I’m glad i waited until I was 35! I would never, ever have had the patience in my 20s, let alone as a teenager! :eek:
She is underage, no? Aren’t there legal ramifications for him boinking someone underage? Least of his worries, sure, but that makes me say tell her parents. Or punch him in the nose till he gets what you’re saying.
Seconded. Then again, if she’s screwed up enough to want to “start a family” at 17, odds are that things aren’t all sunshine and rainbows of good parenting over at her house.
