My parents are getting older and it’s time I face it. My Mom is in her 70s and my Dad his 80’s. They’ve both been through some health issues (cancers), but have come through mostly ok. My mom is actually in great health. My Dad though has a colostomy bag and his eyesight, and mind are tired. They live in a house that is about right for them, and they lucky to have no debt and a reasonable pension to live on. So many things are good.
But they are ageing, and I’m beginning to realize this finally, that they will not be around forever. I’ve always kept in touch with them and have good relations. In fact it’s always been my goal to meet them once a week for a meal to have a couple of hours to visit. Same for holidays, I always make time. When they were sick with cancer treatments, I always made time to help and support.
I feel like I should be spending more time though with them. Their Dog died earlier in the year and so they don’t even have him to keep them company. I feel guilty that they are alone as they age. I mean they do go out every now and then…but I think my mom especially wants me around more. They never harass me and always have let me be independent, and have always supported me. I want to support them too…again I always feel I’ve made time, but I wonder if I could be doing more as they get older.
Do people have advice / stories on how they interacted with their parents during this time of their life? I’m fortunate that I live in the same city, not too far (across town). And am abley young, fit, and employed. Thoughts? Thank you.
If they have lived in their own home for quite a while they have probably acquired a large amount of stuff–the substantial majority of which they don’t use anymore. Help them with a substantial decluttering effort. This will help substantially if they need to move to a smaller place in the future.
It’s natural to spend more time with parents as they get older. It’s not just for the things that can be done to assist them.
It’s a final chance to reconnect and get to know them. Don’t wait until they are totally incapacitated.
My dad did his tour in Viet Nam and was given the chance to request a preference for his next posting. He choose a air base thirty miles from his parents farm. It was the first time he had been back in that state in 15 years. My dad had a couple years to visit them (weekends) before my granddad’s stroke. He lived several more years but was never the same. I know it meant everything to my dad that he had that time to reconnect with them.
If you feel like you should be spending more time with them then do that.
Have them over for dinner, take them out, bring them something in, whatever works for all of you.
Pick two times and make it a weekly thing, standing date, you’ll bring the food.
If you’re estimations, of where they’re at, are right, and they really wish you were around more, then providing that for them must surely be calming and reassuring to them.
I think you should follow that intuition, and see them more, if you can swing it!
Sounds nice. My sister lives a few miles from my parents, so she visits them once or twice a week and helps manage the mundane details of their lives on which they are now faltering (e.g. managing their finances). I’m several states away, but I’ve been making it a point to fly out there every three months for a long weekend.
It made a strong impact on me. about 18 months ago I crafted and sent a very long email in which I thanked them for all they had done for me. I may have worked hard for my successes, but they instilled in me the attitudes and awarenesses and skills to utilize for my purposes. Along the way, they took me on amazing family vacations, extended superhuman patience and sympathy as I went through the trials and tribulations of growing up, and helped me recover from some significant mistakes along the way. Because of them I can cook, fix a car/house, save/spend wisely, and I have decades of memories of really good family life. I thought back through my whole life to my earliest days and put all of those things in writing, with as much detail as I could recall. I wanted them to know, at the sunset of their lives, what a profound gift they had given me.
My parents are still around, but I suspect they won’t be for too many more years. I was fortunate to have been able to say what I wanted to say before they were gone. If your parents are still around, and you feel any gratitude toward them for the better aspects of your life, you should tell them - in person if you have the strength of voice, or in writing if need be, whatever works for you - while it’s still an option.
A friend of mine just co-adopted a dog with her elderly parents. They’re thrilled to have a dog without the concern of what will happen to the dog if it outlives them. She (my friend) takes the dog a few days each week for exercise, etc.
After my mom died, I had planned on spending more time w/ my dad. Even planned on “interviewing” him - getting some of his stories and the family history down on tape. Unfortunately, he died a month after my mom, so I never got to do it.
Like someone said, if you want to spend more time with them, do. Once they are gone, they are gone. Tou’ll be surprised how quickly memories fade. Be conscious, tho, that you do not take on too many responsibilities such that it becomes a burden. And do not let your parents - or anyone else - guilt you into doing more than you feel comfortable with.
If they do not have wills/power-of attys/DNRs/etc, they should. You would be helping both them and yourself to urge them in doing so. Help them have an honest discussion of how they would wish their end-of-life to proceed. Because if you wait too late to have this discussion and memorialize their preferences, steps may be taken to preclude some options, or they may become incompetent to form/express their own opinions.
Depending on their situation, at some point it might make sense for them to move out of their home - either into a smaller apartment requiring less maintenance, or assisted living. Maybe closer to a family member. It can be easy for elderly to become isolated - and vulnerable - in their longtime home. Assisted living/elderly communities are great for providing company and stimulation.
It is often difficult for the aged to acknowledge that they are in a different stage of life, so they can style their lives differently. Their current home and arrangements may have worked great in the past, but that doesn’t mean it is the best situation for whatever time they have left. Of course, they get to make their own decision. But it might be useful to help them identify options for how they wish to style what time they have left.
Most importantly - spend time with them and form memories NOW. Because should them become incompetent, you want something to remember fondly, rather than the reduced state they may reach as they near death.
This. Whether you get a record of it is immaterial. You will both be enriched by it. You may even learn some interesting things and some of them may even be true! (That, too, is immaterial).
After my father died, my mother (who often sat in the background while my father talked) found her voice and started telling stories of her childhood and WWII (she was a nurse in the Pacific). Then she had a stroke and was aphasic. It all went away. It can happen in an instant.
I’ve been thinking there may be a reason that you feel your Mom would like you around more. Perhaps there are ongoings that she feels you ought to see, but she cannot find a way to voice. Parents often find it hard to broach subjects such as timing to leave their home, decisions about their future living arrangements, is it time? What’s the next step look like? It’s hard to ask for what we want sometimes, after all. Perhaps one parent needs a ally, in starting the conversation about changing living arrangements.
Maybe she’s ready to speak to what she thinks ought to come next, and just needs you to ask?
My parents had lived in a terraced house in London all their lives, whilst my sister and I had moved about 90 miles north of London.
When our parents started to get frail (they were then about 80), my sister and I offered to help find them a bungalow near us.
Mum and Dad thought about that for a month, then accepted.
So they made some money selling up in London and moving to the countryside; had no stairs to climb and could see us regularly. (I was only 20 minutes away, so dropped by to chat or change ligh tbulbs etc, while my sister came over every weekend for a meal.)
Their last years were pretty happy and they passed with dignity.
Write to them, even if you live nearby. You can mention fun/meaningful things they did for you when you were younger. They’ll enjoy knowing that you remember stuff like that.
The thing that snuck up on me the most with my mother in law was the gradual disengagement with the outside world and the relinquishing of all decision making in her life. By the time I realised it had happened, it was too late. She doesn’t watch the news or go to movies or even read books any more. Refuses to make even the most simple decisions like what to eat for lunch. She now prefers to be led around by the nose and have others make all the decisions…bit of a waste really. If I had it to do again I would make sure she stayed engaged with the world, kept up with current events and spent time in her neighbourhood.