Agro-American Haiku

Not long ago, I read this page, and it inspired me to create some of my own haiku.

For the record, I have gone snipe hunting, smoked Jack Daniels bong hits, drank in cow pastures and cornfields, and seen Hank Williams, Jr. perform live. Well, okay, that last one was mainly because the Beach Boys were late getting to the Mall on the 4th of July, but I stand by the fact that I am an Agro-American, sometimes derisively known as a “redneck.”

I hope you enjoy my little opus. Please feel free to contribute your own.

Saturday morning
Time to go visit Daddy
At the county jail

Skipped the concrete slab
Double-wide is now adrift
On sea of sewage

A pink flamingo
And a smiling red jockey
Will welcome you home

I’ve often told you
I’d rather push a Chevy
Than drive a damned Ford

Have you no manners?
You’re supposed to use a spork
When serving 'possum

Leroy Yarbrough
Was the best goddamn driver
Ever to kill his mom

Cooler, gun rack, dog
Tool-box, ladder, fifth of Jack
Need a Maxi-Cab

In the big city
Them fools stack their outhouses
One 'top t’other

Thirty-four inches
Is the legal height for trucks
Lowered my bumper

When Andy Griffith
Takes a bite and says, “good cracker!”
Of whom does he speak?

Spring Break, Daytona
Never took off my jacket
Or left the raceway

Dinty Moore Beef Stew
Boiled hot dogs and Budweiser
I love home cookin’

Don’t tell me about
That damned evolution thing
I’m proof it ain’t true

Plenty things to do
In Christiansburg, Virginia
Like go to Radford

She has a husband
But thinks she’s a lesbian
Loves Little Debbie

I ain’t no redneck
But I knowed plenty who was
Pass the scrapple, please

F-150, TNN
Who says I cain’t spell?

And finally, my tribute to Basho:

An old pond
A drunken redneck plunges in

Thems’s pretty durn clever /
Remember me agin /
wha’s th’ rules fer Haiku

Any rules they was
Was 'bout eradicated
Back in '45