Last week the University of Alabama (here after referred to as Bammer) hired Nick Saban, former coach at LSU and most recently of the Miami Dolphins, to be their new coach.
You’d think this was the Second Coming. No, not the second coming of The Lord. Had Jesus himself been descending on the private plane to Tuscaloosa it wouldn’t have caused nearly the stir of Saban’s arrival. This was the second coming of “The Bear”! Bear Bryant has been dead for 25 years now, but ever do the Tide faithful cast their eyes to the sky, awaiting that glorious day when “Da Bear” descends on a beam of crimson light wearing his hound’s tooth hat.
There were lines of people at the airport: Women crying and trying to get hugs, men extending their hands, reaching out; I suppose in hopes of getting to touch the hem of His garment.
It would be tasteless of me to mention the woman that made a scene in the airport crowd and was subsequently arrested for drunken disorderly. Wait a minute, I just mentioned that. Oh, well…
Bammer is paying Saban $32 million over eight years, which makes him the highest paid coach in college football.
I thought I’d take my bottle of Jack Daniels and ease on over to Bammer Buddy’s house, just to see what he thought of all the ruckus. Stopped at The Country Store on the way and picked up a six-pack of Bud for Bammer Buddy.
He was sittin’ on his front porch spittin’ some ‘baccy juice and messing with a home-made radio antenna, trying to get it lined up so he could hear the sports call-in show from Birmingham. It would probably work better if he didn’t insist on hanging an empty box of Tide and a roll of toilet paper from the coat hanger he’s got rigged for an antenna.
Me: “What ya’ doin’ Bammer Buddy?”
Bammer Buddy: “Gettin’ muh radio fixed so’s I can hear Paul Finebaum in Birmin’ham. He’s gonna’ be a-talkin ‘bout our new football coach.”
Me: “You know, couple of weeks ago, Bammer was all set to hire that Rodriguez guy from West Virginia. Finebaum thought the deal was done, so he started makin’ a bunch of jokes on the radio about the guy’s wife’s hairdo and big boobs. Then Rodriguez heard that and turned Bammer down.”
Bammer Buddy: “I heered alla that. The University told Finebaum to say all that stuff so Rodriguez wouldn’t come here. That way we got Saban instead. Besides, what’s so wrong with talkin’ ‘bout big boobs?”
Me: “Let me get this straight: Bammer didn’t really lose out on Rodriguez. They wanted Saban all along and had Finebaum insult Rodriguez’s wife so he wouldn’t take the job they’d offered to him?”
Bammer Buddy: “Now you got it figgered out.”
Me “So, Bammer Buddy, you happy with the Saban hire?”
Bammer Buddy: "Sho nuff! That ol’ boy can coach him some football. He’s the second best coach ever was, ya’ know. Right behind Da’ Bear. I know ‘cause I heered it right here on muh radio. Right from Birmin’ham. Sho nuff heerd that.”
Me: You know he lost more games than he won at Miami, right?”
Bammer Buddy: “Ain’t no such. You think they’s stupid over in Tuscaloser? Pay all that money to somebody what went and lost more games than he won?”
Me: “Ok, let’s forget Miami then. You’ll be happy if he does as well in his first five years at Bammer as he did in his five years at L-S-Who?”
Bammer Buddy: “Sho nuff. That-there Saban boy ain’t nuthin’ but a winner!”
Me: “You’ll be satisfied if he loses three out of five to Auburn?”
Bammer Buddy: “Naw! He ain’t gonna do that! He ain’t never gonna lose to Auburn!”
Me: “Saban lost three of five to Auburn while he was coachin’ them Cajuns.”
Bammer Buddy “Yore lyin’. That-there Saban fella ain’t never lost to no Auburn.”
Me: “You’ll be happy if L-S-Who comes to Tuscaloosa and beats Saban’s Bammer team 31-0?”
Bammer Buddy: “Naw! That ain’t gonna’ happen!”
Me: “Bammer beat Saban 31-0 in Baton Rouge, how come the reverse won’t happen?”
Bammer Buddy: “I cain’t recall no such-a-thing. That-there Saban feller is the second best coach ever, right behind Da’ Bear. Maybe he did lose once or twice, but that was to Bammer. We beats most everbody, evertime.”
Me: “What about Bammer losing the last five in a row to Auburn?”
Bammer Buddy: “I cain’t recall no such as that.”
Me: “Will you be happy with Saban if Bammer plays UAB and gets beat by 'em?”
Bammer Buddy: “Saban cain’t never lose to such as UAB! I’m a-tellin’ ya’, that ol’ boy can coach him some football.”
Me: He lost to UAB when he was over at LSU.”
Bammer Buddy: “Ain’t no such a thing ever happened!”
Me: “You’ll be happy if Saban brings his Bammer team into Auburn as a ten-point favorite and gets beat 31-7?”
Bammer Buddy: “Ain’t gonna happen.”
Me: Happened when he brought L-S-Who into Auburn favored by 10."
Bammer Buddy: “Yore lyin’. That ol’ boy can coach him some football. He ain’t never lost to no Auburn”
Me: “One last question, Bammer Buddy: If after five years at Bammer, Saban has only one year that Bammer doesn’t lose three, four or five games, will you still be happy with him?”
Bammer Buddy: “Naw! We’d fire his sorry ass 'fore then.”
Me: “That was his record at LSU.”
Bammer Buddy: “I done tole you them boys in Tuscaloser ain’t no fools! They wouldn’t up and pay somebody that lost all them games that much money. This-here Saban feller is the second best coach ever, right behind Da’ Bear. I heered that right here on muh radio, all the way from Birmin’ham!”
Me: “Maybe they had to pay too much because nobody would take their sucky job at the going rate?”
Bammer Buddy: “Now you don’t know what yore a’talkin’ about. The coachin’ job at Bammer is the best job in the country. Ever’body knows that.”
Me: “Well, Bammer Buddy, I’d best be gettin’ along.”
Bammer Buddy: “Say, there’s three o’ them beers left. Mind leavin’ ‘em here so’s I can have somethin’ to sip on while I’m a-listnin’ to Mr. Finebaum’s show?”
Me: “Keep ‘em. Better save one or two for next football season. I’m thinkin’ you’re gonna’ need somethin’ to drink about then.”
Bammer Buddy: “Don’t suppose you’d wanna’ leave the bottle of Jack too?”
Me: “I’d best be takin’ that back with me.”
Bammer Buddy: “‘Preciate the beer. Now looky here: You come here talkin’ all this stuff that just don’t go along with what-all I’ve done heered. I know for a natural fact that Saban won four of them-there national championships in five years at L-S-Who. Bammer won the other one. Come to think of it, I heered Saban won one of them-there Super Bowls at Miami too. He’s the second best coach ever, right behind Da’ Bear. Don’t believe it? You can hear the truth right ‘chere on Mr. Finebaum’s radio show. And it comes all the way from Birmin’ham, so you know it’s all true.”
Me: “Gotta’ go. See ya’, Bammer Buddy.”
However, the closest to a flood I ever witnessed was in 1983 at Autzen Stadium, and that ended in a 0-0 tie. And it wasn’t a defensive battle either.