In case you haven’t seen Alias, it’s about a busty blonde 22-year-old babe who is a double agent for both the CIA and the “bad guys”, and who manages to don masterful disguises to sneak past international security checkpoints, and has become close friends with both the good guys and bad guys, and is not suspected of being a double agent, despite close scrutiny, until she goes on a date in France.
But that’s where the similarity to reality ends.
Sunday’s episode (which was a repeat) took the cake in the credulity department. Forget the silliness where she was in LA, and was told to be in Siberia in 4 hours – and where she showed up on time, with her male cohorts in US military-issue outfits, while she showed up in a form-fitting snow bunny suit from Christian Dior. (And no face protection, because God forbid the show’s star should hide her face, even at -50F.)
Forget the scene where she knocked out a guard with a spritz of poison gas concealed in a lady’s wristwatch.
The scene that got me was the one in Sri Lanka. Our little Hefneresque Mata Hari was tasked to sabotage a spy satellite. Which was to be launched from a stolen rocket. After confirming that the blast from the rocket will be deflected through a series of 2-mile-long tunnels, she made her way to the launch site and donned a protective suit. Which I assume she was carrying in her hip pocket, despite not being visible in the many butt shots of her.
When she arrived at the end of a tunnel, she paused to look up at the rocket. Yep, it’s the perfect machine for launching a spy satellite into low orbit. A Saturn V. With the USA logo still printed on the side. I have to guess that it was stolen from NASA and smuggled out of the US in a briefcase. And taken from one of the many spares that NASA had sitting around. Just in case, you know.
In the meantime, some badass with a Russian accent told an Asian lacky in mission control that his organization was nothing but a 2nd-rate NASA. That’s some insult, comrade.
So our sneaky cheesecake prepared to enter the tunnel – she unfolded a briefcase that turned into a high-powered luge, laid down on it, and jetted down the tunnel (which, despite being nothing more than a blast deflector, was well lit) at 150 mph. And she made all of the turns gracefully.
Upon arriving, she somehow climbed the tower and went to work. She opened a panel on the side of the payload, which was not only unlocked but didn’t even seem to be latched. The component that she needed to swap out just so happened to be easily accessible. Of course, she was racing against the clock, but insisted on finishing the job. When it was done, she slammed the panel closed, somehow got to the bottom of the tower just as the rocket ignited, and made her escape through the tunnel on her super luge. Followed by a fireball, naturally.
She made it through unscathed, as one would expect. She then turned to see the rocket blast off. She took off her safety goggles and protective headgear. Her makeup was perfect, and her freshly styled hair waved in the gentle breeze of the rocket blast.
Gotta love American TV.