I’d like to thank all my new friends that I met last night. It certainly is weird to go an entire night addressing people by their nick names. I hope that we can do it again sometime.
We first met at the hotel for drinks, paid for by our good buddy Uncle Beer (who would later be known as Uncle Liquor in a freudian tongue slip). Only $65 thanks to the incompetent mathematical skills of the staff at the O’Hare Courtyard. I was one of the few that had never been a dopefest before, so I was nervous and somewhat quiet. Another newbie, Porcupine, was not so shy as she proudly exclaimed that she had a “toy” in her purse. (This toy will be seen later). VileOrb staunchly defended his evil sounding nickname, whil MikeG lamented at the boringness of his. Silent Bob, who actually has vocalization capabilities of astounding amplitude, promised us all special deals on cellular accessories (and I still need to get him my cell number).
We were a little concered about our hostess ValerieBlaise, who somehow got delayed getting to the hotel. To make matters worse, they didn’t have the roons they promised her, which meant that our drunken debauchery could not be held in a suite, but would instead be held in Meeting Room B. Ugh. Finally Valerie (don’t call her Val, please) showed up and we all made our way out to wait for the hotel shuttle to Giordano’s.
When the shuttle pulled up, the conversation was about tit-shelves (sometimes called tables), which Falcon and Porcupine insisted that any C-cup or bigger would know about. About this time, Magdelene got off the shuttle, heard about 3 seconds of the tit-shelf conversation, and immediately pegged us as the Dopers. Eight or nine of us crammed into the shuttle with a poor gentleman who was flying to New York, and Omni was admonished by the driver to finish his beer before the shuttle left. Omni also gave us a deadline of 10:00pm to get drunk.
We made it to Giordanos, where we met up with some others that hadn’t been drinking with us before, including justlee and dropzone. SaxFace also met us at the restaurant. Her nickname comes from a song by a band called Toledo from Los Angeles that she saw in San Francisco. Jeff42 also popped in just in time for pizza. We ate lots of good stuffed pizza, drank lots of good beer, and talked about lots of good things. I saved a glass of beer that Falcon had unitentionally dropped an olive in. Jophiel was particularly amused by a slip of the tongue that created a name you’re sure to see again someday, Mary Banilow. ShadowFox tried to be a doper by sharing our beer, but ended up only taking a few sips. As dinner was breaking up, Magdelene introduced herself to SaxFace, who promptly declared “I love you”, and they hugged in that Unsolved-Mysteries-reunion-special kind of way that makes you feel all weepy.
We then made our way back to the hotel and walked next door to the bowling alley. It was a hoot and a half. Milossarian and I brought our own bowling balls (we’re both from Northern Michigan… coincidence?). We turned four lanes into a specticle of rolling thunder. Inertia required his ass to be patted before he could bowl well. We all chanted for Silent Bob by chanting “bob” silently. VileOrb’s non-Dope friend Jess blamed anti-semetic, Jew-hating pins for her missed strikes. And I sucked, generally. Jess ended up edging Milo for the high score of the night, in the high 190’s.
We made our way back to Meeting Room B (well, a few played pool at the bowling alley for a while) for the drinking to continue. We made use of the meeting facilities and made a drunkeness meter for Milo, and a clevage meter for Valerie. It was a blur from there. I remember Omni getting a facial buzz from Porcupine’s vibrator. We all told him “you don’t know where that’s been”, but of course we all knew EXACTLY where it had been. Silent Bob, ever the hero, went to the local grocery store and bought some cake. we all sat around ValerieBlaise’s feet as she told us that babies in a blender give her a hard-on. Joph slept and was disappointed that no one would pay him to kiss UncleBeer. Inertia did a headstand, and later fell asleep on the floor while “I love penis” was scribbled on him with dry-erase marker by Gaudere. (By the way, you’re not pronouncing Gaudere correctly. it has like 8 syllables)
At 3:00 am the hotel staff kicked us out of Meeting Room B, so we took the booze to ValerieBlaise’s room and finished out the night. The crowd at this time was Valerie, VileOrb, Gaudere, Boli, Omni, Magdelene, Jess, Inertia, GLWasteful, and myself. Omni and Magdelene were fascinated by Real Sex on HBO, Inertia was fascinated by Wall of Voodoo’s “Mexican Radio” on the CD player, Gaudere was fascinated by Omni’s butt cleavage and juggling citrus fruit, ValerieBlaise was fascinated by making Jesus cry, and I was fascinated by Valerie’s cleavage. Around 5:00am, the party broke up and I drove home in a zombie-like state. There was a bit of a panic before I left because I couldn’t find my car key, but I finally did find them in my ignition.
It’s necessary for me to now dedicate a paragraph to our hostess ValerieBlaise. I am so smitten with her. She is the perfect combination of beauty (a smile that’ll tighten your shorts), humor, and evil-bitch-from-hell. i hope I can see her again soon. I am simultaneously in love with and frightened to death by her. I’d like to do things to her that would make Jesus cry. (I proposed, she didn’t take me seriously.)
Well, that was my take, and I am sure I left out a lot. There’s a box of 40 condoms that I didn’t even mention. Someone else can fill in the missing details.
I guess leaving at 3:15 was a mistake. But at least my dog hadn’t peed on the carpet.
