All ***ed out: an appeal

Ok, I’m normally a polite, well-spoken sort of chap, raised by Sunday school teachers and all that… but, I work in information technology, and sometimes I have to relieve my feelings. So some phrases of which Mother would not approve have been known to cross my lips. You know, things like “bugger”, “fuck”, “bastard” and “Microsoft”.

The trouble is, you see, that the relief these words give diminishes the more you use them. And, with a series of complicated debugging jobs on my hands, I’ve been using them a lot. Co-workers have just had to live with occasional explosions along the lines of “Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger with a side order of bugger and extra bugger on top!”

So… today, on with the debugging (there’s a problem with the XML DOM as implemented within the Delphi object that runs as an NT service, just don’t ask), and I catch myself saying things like “Ah, flip” and “oh, fiddle” and even, God help me, “poot”, and I realise…

I have run out of swearwords.

Seriously. The relief offered by a good scatological epithet is now exhausted, and I’m forced to fall back on things like “poot”. “Poot”, I ask you. Is that any word for a self-respecting programmer to curse with? “Error has occurred:Invalid variant type conversion - oh, poot.” Just doesn’t work, does it?

So, I turn to the Teeming Millions for help, since you lot include some of the best foul-mouthed neologists on the face of the globe. Help me relieve my feelings once more! Help me invent new words or phrases to express the emotion you feel when your software fails for some unknown but probably trivial reason for the five hundredth time! With your aid, I can be turning the air blue and peeling the paint off the walls again! Deliver me, oh please, deliver me from… “poot”!

Bollocks!! works for me.

@!!%*@#&$#!

Although, I’m not sure how to pronounce it.

tu mater habitat in fornix!
well, I like it…

How about fiddlesticks?

Or, if you’re really ticked off, “AWWW HEDouble hockey sticks!!”

“Butt-monkeys!” works for me.

I also like, “You inbred cousin-fucking buck-toothed ignorant little fuck-weasel!” but I can only use it for the locals. The “hold” button is my friend.

I just always add the word “monkey” in front of any swearword, it seems to solve my flustrations. It helps to string it along with other swearwords. “you little fuck monkey shit hole microsoft crap whore” or the always useful “damn it all you monkey ass munching pig whacker”. Hope I was some help.

Crap. (I know, its not explosive, but when said quietly and in a disapointed voice it has a nice little bite to it.)[sub]and I like it[/sub]

Or snag some of the basics in other languages. (Find a good German speaker. “Please pass the salt” sounds ear blistering in German.)

Jesus Christos. (Latin)
Mien Gott! (German)

I’ve taken a page from the Book of Freakazoid and started saying “Aw, nutbunnies!” I kinda like it.

Right, or you could call someone a butterfly in German. sounds cruel:

Du bist ein Schmetterlink!

Wankstain dickweed arsebiscuit mung.

Per our friends from South Park, Colorado:

–Donkey-raping shit-eater

–Shitfaced cockmaster

–Ass spelunker

–Uncle Fucker

–Testicle-shitting rectal wart

–Super King Kamehameha Beeyotch

Combine and mix up as necessary.

Personally, I’m glad it’s not explosive. If it were, you’d have a hell of a mess in your WC.

Second time, same as the first, little bit louder and a little bit better coding because I’m an idjit.

Personally, I’m glad it’s not explosive. If it were, you’d have a hell of a mess in your WC.

Knackers and PISS!

It’s all in the intonation.

Rassin’ frackin’ dingle-blasted no good mumble grumble mutter…
Shazbot!
Frack!
A pox on thee, foul bug!
Morons! I’m surrounded by morons!
Piffle.
Tush.
Oh, bother.

Fudge or frogs works for me in place of f**k.
There is also a lot of fun in using medical terms like histoplasmosis.

When I was assigned to the children’s section, I took a page from the Crocodile Hunter’s book and started using “Crikey!” Cripes is also a good one. Or Son of a Motherless Goat. My assistant manager is fond of yelling out “Donkey!” à la Shrek.

For a while my high school friends and I had a feature going called the Insult of the Week – some particularly stinging or graphic phrase that would become our favorite swear for the duration. Things like “dick sneeze” and “shoulder monkey” and “anal tongue-dart” were forever etched into our vocabularies.

Stercus!

So I post, I go away, I come back, I find a supply of foul language that would make a docker blush… I love you guys. You make me feel all warm inside.

To address specific suggestions - German is a good idea, Jerome K. Jerome judged it “a singularly effective language for that purpose.” Himmelherrgottkreuzmillionendonnerwetter! is supposed to be the world’s longest swearword. And, if even German fails me, I suppose I could fall back on Esperanto…

Ayesha - don’t know why, but I like “histoplasmosis”. (As a word.) Lovely hissy sound, ideal for those clenched-teeth moments.

And Homebrew? As a (lapsed) phonetician, I regard your suggestion as a challenge. Though I rupture my pharynx in the process… though I sprain my uvula and dislocate my hyoid… I will say @!!%*@#&$#!

“Znidd suddabit.”

That’s Ulleran for: “Kill the human.”