Almost 30, never had a relationship. Any advice?

[Troppus]

Great attitude, Reply. Happy you had the experience. Remember not to share much of the details with the next one, it comes across as impulsive and might sound like you have high expectations for the next one. Glad you were able to be yourself.

(Impulsive paid off this time and you had a fun experience. But a pattern of falling hard and fast can lead to long term frustration. And you absolutely should hold high expectations; but keep them mostly to yourself so the next girl doesn’t feel pressured to outperform 99% match girl.)

Happy for your new experience and outlook!

[Reply]

@Troppus

Great attitude, Reply. Happy you had the experience. Remember not to share much of the details with the next one, it comes across as impulsive and might sound like you have high expectations for the next one. Glad you were able to be yourself.

(Impulsive paid off this time and you had a fun experience. But a pattern of falling hard and fast can lead to long term frustration. And you absolutely should hold high expectations; but keep them mostly to yourself so the next girl doesn’t feel pressured to outperform 99% match girl.)

Happy for your new experience and outlook!

I didn’t really “fall” for her per se. It’s weird. There was never really any time for chemistry or longing to take hold; it all started and ended in a blur. What a whirlwind of a week… it still feels like a dream. I do, however, feel like I’ve gained a friend who I love very much even on just a personal level. And we happen to share a little sexual/romantic chemistry with each other – enough that I’d certainly like to explore our connection further, but not enough where I feel like I’m going to be devastated without her. It’s probably for the best, anyway, since the 700 miles would certainly have made things logistically complex.

And I hear ya about the expectations. I don’t really care about the OKC rating much (just thought it’d be fun to note) and I don’t really judge people versus one another like that. Different qualities of different folks are attractive and no two people are exactly alike, so they’re all interesting in their own ways. They’re certainly not just backup plans for 99% girl

[Troppus]

I hear you and it sounds like your whirlwind experience turned out positive because you have a levelheaded attitude. Of course, I feel like I know you because of this lengthy thread; a new match hearing of your experience might hesitate if you overshare. But it really sounds like your contemplative nature serves you well and you’re in a good place emotionally, so don’t hesitate to jump back in the pool.

[MaverocK]

I am sorry if it is against the rules to resurrect a thread. Internet forums tend to prohibit responding to inactive threads. But I am extremely curious. Did your situation change since 2012?

[Reply]

Wow… what a blast from the past! In many ways, the SDMB has been instrumental in shaping who I’ve become as a person. I started lurking here before I was 18, and I’m turning 36 this year. The SDMB has been probably the most stable and consistent part of my life… from the arguments, the debates, the warnings (I get angry when discussing politics), the cookies… y’all are family

Well, I’m happy to report that in the years since this thread, I’ve had several really beautiful, if not lasting, relationships with some really amazing women. In some ways I think I consider myself lucky for not having had to go through the drama and trauma of teenage dating. The people I ended up with as a 30-something were all thoughtful, kind, ambitious in ways that I admired (i.e. not about money, but about life goals and personal dreams), charming… and put up with me for reasons I will probably never understand, heh.

To this day I haven’t had a bad relationship experience, and am still friends with many of them. That one lady I talked about on page 7 – my first – remains to this day one of my closest friends, even long after we’ve broken up. I just got off the phone with her a few hours ago, in fact. Once in a great while I still wonder if she was “the one who got away”, but 99% of the time I’m just grateful that’s she’s in my life as one of my dearest friends.

Some of my exes are married now, while others have gone on to various life paths, alternately settling down or deciding to explore the world. In general I believe that we’ve had positive influences on each other’s lives, even if our relationships didn’t last. For my part, I am grateful that so many people were willing to share their lives with me.

In some ways I thought having my first relationship would be a validation that I was “OK”. Wasn’t that easy, of course I’m still as flawed as ever, but a bit better at acknowledging, accepting, and constructively working around those flaws. I’m only human.

I’m currently single (apparently, a global lockdown makes it harder to date), but not that concerned about it. Preoccupied with a lot of other meaningful activities right now, from kickboxing to activism. Someday I’ll probably have another relationship. It may or may not last. But that’s life.

I’m grateful this board has been here, supportive throughout, both in your encouragement and in your constructive dissent. And I am supremely grateful for all the humanity I’ve borne witness to, between my own relationships, my friends’ relationships, all the intermixed emotions, the shattered dreams, the resilience, the rebuilding of lives, the successes, the births, the few deaths… I’m just grateful I’ve made it this far, and lived long enough to have seen so much of it.

I am no Casanova by any stretch of the imagination, but my openness, empathy, and authenticity have given me many amazing connections, and together we’ve created many cherished memories.

Regrets? I’ve had a few. But then again… (edit: cue musical note emoji that the SDMB still can’t display. Guess some things never change…)

[Kimstu]

Wow Reply, what a lovely post. Congratulations on some excellent life achievements!

[BwanaBob]

So nice to hear from you, OP.

Would it be fair in assuming you have since graduated and are now a working slob like many of us?

[SanVito]

What a lovely update!

[Mallard]

@MaverocK

I am sorry if it is against the rules to resurrect a thread. Internet forums tend to prohibit responding to inactive threads. But I am extremely curious. Did your situation change since 2012?

And I’ve always wondered why anyone would object to resurrecting and old thread, especially when someone is asking for an update of an event that’s 8ish years old. And this thread particularly struck me as worthy of asking for an update.

[Reply]

@BwanaBob

Would it be fair in assuming you have since graduated and are now a working slob like many of us?

Hah! Yes. After more than a decade in college on and off, I finally walked away with a science degree and now work in a nonprofit. Might go back for a Master’s someday, but it depends on how many more apocalypses 2020 can hold. Perhaps a Primitive Living seminar would be more fitting?

Because of this thread, I also eventually bought some shirts with actual buttons, though not as far as a peacoat, and definitely no suits.

Anyway, that pretty much backfired, since I still have zero fashion sense and pretty much look like a scarecrow robbing a high-end thrift store. The women I went on dates with would (humorously) comment, “I’ve never seen anyone wear a button-down to an arboretum…”, while the people I protested alongside would think I was some sort of FBI informant. Well, at least now I have a pile of fancy clothes that can arouse universal suspicion whenever I need to. Guess you can take the boy out of the Pacific Northwest, but…

[MaverocK]

@Reply

Wow… what a blast from the past! In many ways, the SDMB has been instrumental in shaping who I’ve become as a person. I started lurking here before I was 18, and I’m turning 36 this year. The SDMB has been probably the most stable and consistent part of my life… from the arguments, the debates, the warnings (I get angry when discussing politics), the cookies… y’all are family

Well, I’m happy to report that in the years since this thread, I’ve had several really beautiful, if not lasting, relationships with some really amazing women. In some ways I think I consider myself lucky for not having had to go through the drama and trauma of teenage dating. The people I ended up with as a 30-something were all thoughtful, kind, ambitious in ways that I admired (i.e. not about money, but about life goals and personal dreams), charming… and put up with me for reasons I will probably never understand, heh.

To this day I haven’t had a bad relationship experience, and am still friends with many of them. That one lady I talked about on page 7 – my first – remains to this day one of my closest friends, even long after we’ve broken up. I just got off the phone with her a few hours ago, in fact. Once in a great while I still wonder if she was “the one who got away”, but 99% of the time I’m just grateful that’s she’s in my life as one of my dearest friends.

Some of my exes are married now, while others have gone on to various life paths, alternately settling down or deciding to explore the world. In general I believe that we’ve had positive influences on each other’s lives, even if our relationships didn’t last. For my part, I am grateful that so many people were willing to share their lives with me.

In some ways I thought having my first relationship would be a validation that I was “OK”. Wasn’t that easy, of course I’m still as flawed as ever, but a bit better at acknowledging, accepting, and constructively working around those flaws. I’m only human.

I’m currently single (apparently, a global lockdown makes it harder to date), but not that concerned about it. Preoccupied with a lot of other meaningful activities right now, from kickboxing to activism. Someday I’ll probably have another relationship. It may or may not last. But that’s life.

I’m grateful this board has been here, supportive throughout, both in your encouragement and in your constructive dissent. And I am supremely grateful for all the humanity I’ve borne witness to, between my own relationships, my friends’ relationships, all the intermixed emotions, the shattered dreams, the resilience, the rebuilding of lives, the successes, the births, the few deaths… I’m just grateful I’ve made it this far, and lived long enough to have seen so much of it.

I am no Casanova by any stretch of the imagination, but my openness, empathy, and authenticity have given me many amazing connections, and together we’ve created many cherished memories.

Regrets? I’ve had a few. But then again… (edit: cue musical note emoji that the SDMB still can’t display. Guess some things never change…)

Thanks a lot for the update. I think we are all happy to read this.

[nearwildheaven]

Good to see a zombie thread resurrected, with a happy update no less!

(April R - that’s a name that hasn’t been around here in a while. I really liked her.)