Feeling depressed about dating fails. Obviously I'm doing something wrong, but not sure what it is.

Long story short: I’m not ugly, I have friends, an active social life, I’m employed, and so on, yet I find it impossible to date.

I have gone on dates in the literal sense, kissed guys, and had sex. I just can’t make it last past the first three or so dates usually because either I have zero chemistry with them or the guy suddenly develops some weird hang up and doesn’t want to be involved anymore.

The first guy who I had a fling with post college was kind of nerdy, and I’m not, so there was a major lack of common interests there. I suppose that was self explanatory.

The second guy asked me out via a note while I was at my job. We hit it off and the first date went well. Then it was revealed that he had a major obsession with Sept. 11th. Seriously, like he would talk about it all the time and his guilt for not joining the military after it happened and I didn’t know how to respond to that. He ended up eventually dating a girl whose dad is a fire fighter.

I met another guy at a party and he was just really annoying- would constantly facebook message me and text me- so I ended that before anything happened.

These real life guys weren’t working out so I tried online dating.

Met a decent guy who claimed to be interested in me, said I was so smart and beautiful, blah blah blah. We went on several dates and then he dropped off the face of the earth because of law school. I forgot about online dating until now and saw that he was still on the site so I messaged him to see how things were going. He claimed to be interested in me, but said all he does is work. So why the hell be on a dating site if you’re not interested in dating anyone? Unless he was lying to me all along and is giving me the brush off.

There’s another guy I met, but he’s hideously boring as are 99.9999% of the guys on the site.

So anyway, either I have the worst luck in the world or there’s something I’m doing that’s putting guys off. None of my female friends in real life have an answer so it must be guy specific. I don’t know if I should settle for someone boring or if it’s better to be single. I also wish I could figure out what causes guys I like to drop off the face of the earth after saying things that clearly indicate their interest. Maybe I’m coming on too strong? I’m just trying to reciprocate the interest, not propose marriage.

The whole situation is very frustrating and I’m at an age where my family is starting to ask why I don’t have a boyfriend although I suppose it’s none of their damn business.

I understand your frustration. PM me if you wanna e-date

I realized I posted this in the wrong forum. Thought it was in MPSIMS. Sorry!

Guys often just want to get laid and that’s it. Once that’s been accomplished, there’s nothing left to do but

ETA: I don’t behave this way.

I’m glad you don’t Ambivalid. I didn’t even sleep with 9/11 guy. That is probably for the best.

I’ve had the same experience which I’m still experiencing to this day and I’m pushing 38! I chalk it all up to the fact that it’s very hard to find the right person. I mean the RIGHT person, not the person you settle for because of some “biological” clock. When you’re younger it’s easier because you don’t require much more than a physical connection it’s more “hey, you’re cute, lets date!”. As you age, in my experience, you look for more qualities which ultimately is a good thing but can be very frustrating.

2 cents-ching…

There are plenty of nice guys out there who don’t just want to get laid. Please refrain from posting misandric generalizations

Hmm? Dating … depressing … yup, that’s the way I remember it.

If you really find everyone that boring, maybe it’s you. I don’t mean that as a criticism, and maybe it’s just a consequence of not being attracted to the guy, but some women expect way too much from nothing. These women don’t ask any interesting questions and they don’t really go out on a limb and give the guy a “hook” - there’s only so much we can discuss about your cat, your study abroad semester in Spain, or how much you like Mumford & Sons. They sit back and expect men to drive the conversation, and if the poor guy doesn’t bust out a fucking standup comedy routine, he’s “boring.”

Not saying that’s necessarily the case with you; I do also think men are too obsequious on dates and that really is boring, but if you’re approaching dates with too dour or too cool of a disposition, he’s not really going to respond either.

Um, dude, I’m responding to the OP. There are plenty of blue whales swimming in the ocean too. What of it?

I mean boring as in I ask questions along these lines and get these responses:

“What kind of music do you like?”

“A lot.” “Nothing specific.” “I don’t get the appeal of live music.”

“What authors do you like?”

“No favorites.” “I don’t read fiction.”

“What kind of food do you like?” (asked when the fact that I’m a vegetarian comes up)

“I dunno, never thought about it.”

“What do you do when you’re not working?”

“Talk to people.” “Think.”

And so on. Then I’m forced to talk about my enormous 20 pound cat because how the hell does one have a conversation with someone who doesn’t have any apparent interests?

And I hate Mumford and Sons. Maybe I’ll bring that up next time someone gives me non-responses to a question.

By this I don’t mean to say all “men often just want to get laid and that’s it”; just that there are many out there with this mindset. I worded that poorly.

Expanding on what Ambivalid said, some guys on online dating sites are only interested in sex. Others are genuinely interested in a long term relationship. The tough part is filtering out the first type and communicating successfully with the second type. I would recommend using OKCupid if you don’t already. That site allows you to create a very detailed profile and answer lots of questions about your personality type. When guys send messages, think about whether the message indicates that they’ve actually read your profile. If so, they may be a type two; otherwise they’re probably a type one.

It is also perfectly fine for women to send messages to guys. In fact my fiance did so, and the wedding is next month, so sometimes it does work.

I think you simply have to date more guys; it seems like you have dated relatively few. Take the initiative on the online dating sites and elsewhere.

I understood that you weren’t being literal. I think most people did.

I do use OkCupid. That’s where I met the most recent boring guy. The guy who sits around thinking and doesn’t like music. I’ll keep trying, I shouldn’t expect to find Mr. Right on the first date. And my friend met a really awesome guy she’s been with for nearly two years now on there, so there is hope I suppose.

I’ve been the one sending text messages (he gave me his number, so we’ve moved off the site) to the Law Student. He rarely replies, although when he does it’s stuff like, “I can’t believe you’re still single.” or “You were a lot of fun,” or he’ll send short replies to stuff about things I’ve done during the day. But sometimes he won’t reply, or as what happened last year, just dropped off the face of the earth. I asked him today if he wanted to meet up again after work and no response even though a few days ago said he wanted to. I’ll wait, but this will be the final text I send to him- I don’t want to come across as a crazy stalker pursuing some guy who may not have any genuine interest.

Yeah, I drop these kinds of people. My feeling is if someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll make the effort.

You have a 20-pound cat?! That’s awesome. You never have to worry about the cat jumping on the counter. Or jumping anywhere, I guess.

I have an overweight chinchilla myself. The little shit is actually on a diet plan. A diet plan! For an animal that is most useful as a hat.

Anyway, it’s a numbers game. You’ll find someone interesting eventually.

You don’t. At this point you cut your losses and drop them. Move on to the next. For whatever reason, this is probably what guys are doing to you. If it doesn’t seem to be going well soon, they move on. It doesn’t mean that you are doing anything wrong or there is something wrong with you. I think PastTense is spot on, just use the on-line site to sift through more people.

How you doin’? (er, I mean, join the club).

I feel like I had a successful dating career, so maybe I can give some advice.

If online dating isn’t working out, maybe move on to some other way to meet guys. Bars? The bookstore? CERN? There are a lot of ways.

Even guys who seek a kind and moral soul are going to want to get laid at some point. This is Men and Women 101. So, without going nuts, maybe some attention to appearance and sexuality is warranted.

Don’t value yourself based on others’ opinions. If dating is hard, it doesn’t render you bad. Maybe you have to wait for some time before the especially special someone appears.

Do you have any money? How are you in the world? Strong, smart, beautiful or clever? I think spiritual values are worth it, don’t get me wrong, but dating is here on Earth and terrestrial considerations apply.

Finding Mr. Right is like trying to find your keys. It’ll be the last place you look.

I think getting bored with people is perfectly natural. Not a lot of people put their most interesting foot forward on first dates. Plus, some people are just plain boring.

I’ll also have to object to the characterization that guys date just to “hit it and quit it”. If you’re in your mid-to-late 20’s, the guys who are just trying to bone won’t take girls out on dates. You would have already hooked up from just meeting up at a club, bar, or even house party. Guys who date are interested in sex, but they’re interested in locking up a GF so they can have sex on the regs. Putting in all the effort into dating and only getting 1 sexual encounter out of it is not their MO. These guys striking out with CZ are swinging and whiffing.

PS, on paper? A vegetarian cat-owner who looks down on nonfiction would be a pass for me.