I don’t understand, if they are “swinging and whiffing” and “striking out” then why are they the ones who seem to be disappearing and showing no further interest in dating her?
I have a 20lb cat. That thing has the dexterity of an olympic gymnast.
CatherineZeta, I think you need to take a break and relax for a while. Enjoy being selfish and single for a few months (hell, take a year even).
And then, after a few months, get up, dust yourself off, and get back into the game with a renewed sense of hope and attitude.
If you expect to win this game you need to be at 100%. And that’s impossible to do when you’ve got those gloomy feelings inside of you. (Also, those feelings bleed through now matter how well you think you’re hiding it from your prospective mates. Which could very well be the cause of them bailing on you.)
So you’re not attracted to many men, or you are, but just not good dating prospects? Because I think most people have no problem finding people they’re attracted to, so I’m just trying to figure out exactly what the issue is here. I wouldn’t think it would be that hard to find friends-of-friends that you were interested in, since you have an active social life.
Also, I agree with the person who said it sounds like you haven’t dated many people, unless you were just giving a couple examples and you’ve actually dated a lot more.
I used to date women just to “hit that ass”. Once they started talking serious is when I would bail. Some women, you want to fuck more than just once, yet, you don’t want any sort of commitment.
She is a vegetarian cat owner, but I don’t believe she has any antipathy to fiction. She related a conversation she had with one prospective (but deadly dull) paramour whose response to the question, “What do you read?” was that he didn’t read fiction.
So far as she’s revealed, she has no problem with fiction.
Hope you two crazy kids work out.
So, you dated a few duds… When I was in the dating game, I went on 1st and 2nd dates with plenty of duds. Doesn’t mean they were bad women, just not the right one for me. It doesn’t matter how many duds you go on dates with, you just need to find one who isn’t a dud.
If they fall off the face of the earth, they just weren’t that into you. Any words expressing interest can be discarded when their actions don’t express interest. Chances are they’re just trying to keep their options open for a little lovin’ when their schedule permits, but they’re not interested in a relationship.
My suggestion, get out there and date MORE. More different people, as many as your schedule can permit. Don’t go into it wondering if this guy is going to be long term boyfriend material, just have a nice time. Don’t even worry about second dates, if a guy is LTB material, you’ll know right away.
It is a numbers game, so you need to be exposed to more guys. Join groups that are related to your interests. Don’t hang out at home with friends; go join a book club, a local amateur theatre group, even a church if you must. Don’t go to bars or date online.
It may also interest you to learn that “fail” already exists in noun form in the English language. That word is “failure.” Perhaps using less internet speak will help your dating. Don’t reference “lolcats” or tell your date that all his base are belong to you.
Numbers. What you’ve outlined here sounds like a good start…to the month. It’s absolutely normal to date a lot of duds, a few guys who seem workable but ultimately fizzle, and ultimately one who does work. The idea is just to get out there and keep on meeting them until you find something good, and that might mean a few dozen bad first dates. Line then up!
Never take it as a reflection of you, unless there really is something wrong with you. When you fail with someone you are not comparable with, it means the system is working.
U wud thnk hur whole post wuz writtn lyk dis. I’m pretty sure using the word fail instead of failure isn’t putting any halfway normal person off too much.
Maybe you need to work a little harder at filtering out the duds online before moving to dates? It’s not always feasible, of course, but if you can manage that you’ll make your dates somewhat less miserable.
What do YOU like? What are you really into? All I get from this thread is what you’re not interested in, which will help you narrow down who you don’t want, but won’t be all that useful in finding what you do want. It’s like choosing where to go for dinner based on what you don’t feel like eating tonight.
Once you get that straight, seek out guys’ online dating profiles that mention the stuff you love. Find something you can click over, whether it’s a sport or a book or a TV show or whatever.
And, most importantly:
Do more seeking. Look for what you want instead of taking dates and filtering out what you don’t. You wouldn’t approach a job hunt that way, right?
Doesn’t sound like a terrible history to me; several of the early guys ticked some boxes at least, and later on, the main issue seems to be the guys not doing enough to come across as interesting early on*.
All I can say is that for me online dating didn’t work either; I’m much more comfortable meeting people at classes or social groups that kind of thing. And it did take dating a list of people before I finally met someone that I really hit it off with. And I don’t mean necessarily The One, really just someone I could date indefinitely with sustained mutual attraction.
So…do keep trying and do look at what you are doing critically too.
- I should qualify that because to many people you shouldn’t try to do anything on a date. You should just be “natural”.
I basically agree with this, but still it helps to be aware of certain things. Many men (more so than women) are just not aware of how conversations and dates work. They conduct it like a job interview and then wonder why there was no attraction.
Your initial assumption is correct. You’re doing something wrong.
Contrary to the popular opinion that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, I think you have to be much more selective about your frogs.
It’s been my experience that every bad date I’ve ever been on has been entirely my fault. I didn’t listen to my gut which told me that this person I’m about to meet is going to be a complete waste of my time. Call this confirmation bias. Perhaps that’s exactly what’s at play. But at the end of the day you must either like something about the person you’ve selected to go out with or admit that you’re out on this date out of boredom and lack of better options. If it’s the latter, you’re wasting everybody’s time.
When I found myself single again, I started on-line dating for lack of better options. I quickly learned that beyond the obvious qualities of physical attraction to the person I was about to meet, there had to be some kind of indicator that there was the potential for more than just the view and some polite conversation. I don’t mean the potential for sex either. I mean that you and your prospective date could actually carry on an engaging conversation. On line dating is great for that because you can take your time and start some kind of dialogue over chat or email - ideally both to get a sense of how this other person thinks in long and short bursts. I don’t mean months of conversation. But a week or two is not out of the question - what’s the rush, afternall? In cases where the only conclusion I arrived at was that the potential date “seems nice”, it always turned out to be a mistake. “Seems nice” almost always equals boring at best, and hiding the crazy at worst.
So my advice: Vett your prospects better. Volume is not necessarily the right solution unless you are trying to work out the kinks of your own ability to meet and socialize with strangers. When you come to the point where you know exactly the kind of person and experience you want to have on a date, adjust your filter/criteria accordingly. Won’t always go the way you plan but you’ll sure be dating far less duds.
However, can’t help you with feeling less depressed about the entire process. Because it’s fucking depressing. Until you find the one. And when you finally do, it’ll feel like it’s all been worth it.
It’s a dealbreaker for me. Guess I’m an unbearable pedant.
Unfortunately, the common denominator in all your failed relationships is you.
Clearly it would be impossible for us to give you specific advice, since we don’t hang out with you or go out on dates. However, I do have some single friends (male and female) in their 30s and 40s who I have known for years, and I can pass on my personal observations.
Once you eliminate potential mates who married their high school or college sweetheart (or some girl they knocked up as a teenager) or someone they met a few years into their first job, the dating pool of men who are at least the same education, socioeconomic, income and attractiveness level as you tends to shallow a bit. You start to end up with guys who are workaholics, alcoholics, permanent bachelors, wannabe players, creeps, weirdos, married guys looking to have an affair or they otherwise have some sort of issue.
I agree with Mijin. A lot of people do conduct dates like they are job interviews. They meet for drinks or dinner at some restaurant and grill each other with questions. That doesn’t sound like much fun. Who wants to date someone who treats them as if they were applying for a small business loan?
And congratulations. Now you’re single again. See how easy it is to put someone off?
Suits me. I’d rather be single than put up with mangled diction. I waited until I found someone who knows how English works and couldn’t be happier.
It’s in the TITLE for crying out loud. Seems perfectly all right even to me, the language crank, to use a shortcut in a title where one gets a limited number of letters.
I love the proper use of English and think it’s a beautiful language and I don’t get my panties all bunched up because someone used an idiom. Good heavens.
Anyway, to the OP, just wanted to reiterate what everyone else said: 1. Date MORE, 2., the common denominator is you, so take a clear-headed look at your behavior. It may turn out that you are just fine with the way you are doing things, but it can’t hurt. 3. Date MORE.
If you haven’t been doing this already - for online dating, actively seek out guys whose profiles interest you. Don’t rely on getting messages from guys and then picking through those; guys will often send out tons of messages in hopes of getting a bite or two. Be picky, and go looking instead.
And yet, you often hear of people who found the Right Person after they stopped trying.
This may be because they no longer had the attitude of desperation that turned off potential partners; and/or because they spent their time developing interests and engaging in activities that they truly enjoyed and were interested in, and in the process met someone with whom they had something in common.
For me as well – but in fairness, I am (a) old; (b) married; and (c) insufferable. So my opinion shouldn’t be regarded as particularly persuasive on this matter.