Am I a bad person for doing this?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK, so a quick recap of the past two week’s in bouv’s life:

I got myself a girlfriend…:slight_smile:

I’ve known her since May, and I have liked her since I met her, and I went so far as to actually kiss her at one point in May, but for whatever reason she didn’t want a relationship then, but then spent the rest of the summer wondering if I still liked her (I did.) So a couple weeks ago she took the chance and asked me if I still wanted something, I said I did, and so we started something. Here’s the thing, though:

I got to know her better in the past few months, and although I do still like her a lot, I also know more about some problems she has and some skeletons in her closet. The more I think about staying with her for a long time, the more I see it not happening. This isn’t to say it won’t or can’t, but it seems less likely. So am I bad for getting into a relationship knowing for almost certain that it won’t last a long time? Should I just tell her I’m not expecting a lot and she how she feels? I know that the longer it goes, the worse it will be for both of us when it finally does end. I do like being in the relationship now, and can see myself enjoying it for a while, what I don’t see, is a permanent thing, whereas I have seen at least the possibility with this with other girlfriends.

Should I just wait a little while longer to see how the realtionship is after we “mellow out,” so to speak? Ack, I’m, so confused…

2

The older, wiser person in me says don’t waste your time on relationships that you know have no future. I don’t know how old you are, bouv, and you may just want something fun for awhile now, but for me, the whole point of relationships is to find someone to love and make a life with. If you can’t do that with this person, she needs to know that, and you both need to decide if you will be happy with a fun time for awhile, but no possible future. Communication is always a good idea.

Oh, by the way, you’re not a bad person. The whole point of dating and getting to know someone is to figure out if you’re compatible or not. You’re figuring out that you’re not; the only bad thing to do would be to let her get her hopes up when you know you’re not in for the long haul.

3

Honesty…

H
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You will lessen the hurt this way. Talking is the best thing you can do. If the relationship ends now, then you have avoided a bigger problem. I’m sure you don’t want to hurt her but you’d better get your thoughts out into the open or it’ll blow up in your face. She may actually feel the same way and not want a serious thing, as well.

Girls appreciate an honest guy, trust me.

4

So… is there some assumption in the relationship that eventually you’ll marry and have 5 children?

This is why Dear Abby used to warn against “going steady.” The ONLY reason to be in an exclusive relationship is if you decide you want to be serious. What is wrong with you kids today?

5

You know, j.c. people really don’t just “date around” anymore. I’m 21, and as a teenager I always wondered what happened to that system. When my parents were kids, they’d go on a date with one person or another, might be “dating” a couple different people, but only when you were serious about someone did you see them exclusively.
That doesn’t happen anymore. At least where I’m from, if you go on more than one date with a person, and hope to keep seeing them, you are only seeing that person. Period. You may or may not refer to said person as your girl/boyfriend for any given period of time, but you still don’t date more than one person at a time.
It’s too bad, really, since people often find themselves in the OP’s position. You can’t just date someone casually for a while, which may or may not turn into something “serious,” it’s like every effing relationship is assumed to be serious unless you have a sit-down talk where feelings are hurt.

I am of the opinion, like featherlou that, ultimately, dating is for finding your mate, the person you want to spend your life with–therefore, why waste your time in a relationship that won’t go anywhere, when you could be out looking for the one that will? On the other hand, there are many people that think that it’s okay to be in a relationship where you see no long-term future, because you may just want to have someone to hang out with for the time being, or maybe you’re learning about yourself through casual relationships, etc etc.
I am all for honesty, however, I can say that I wouldn’t reccommend sitting her down and saying “you know, I really don’t see this going anywhere” unless you don’t want to see her anymore. If you do want to date her, but aren’t sure about the future prospects of the relationship… well, I wouldn’t worry about that quite yet. I’d just let things happen as they happen–you’re not already talking about marriage and kids with her, right? Then there’s nothing to talk about, yet. If she gets more serious about it than you are, then I’d say it’s time to talk about what your (individual) goals or plans for the relationship are, but for now, you’re just seeing each other, and you have no idea if she wants you to be the father of her children, anyway.

My point is, I personally don’t see any reason to date someone you aren’t serious about. However, if you’re not at a point in your life where you’re seriously looking for your future wife, then it is perfectly reasonable to just hang out with someone without being serious about them. It all depends on what your goals and desires are for this relationship. It sounds as though you’re looking to the future, so it may be that you don’t want to invest yourself in a relationship that will not be “it” for you.

Good luck,
~Mixie