Yesterday, a lady who works in a department down the hall got a call and learned that her 27 year old sister had just passed away. She had cancer and apparently, her death had been expected soon.
Today, everyone in the Department (75 people) got a group e-mail from a non-supervisory person letting everyone know that they are taking up a “love offering” for the employee and would like to present her with a “large amount of money” during her time of sorrow.
What’s the point of giving someone a few hundred dollars when someone in their family dies? I think it’s very tacky.
Anyway, today a lady came to me and said she was collecting the money and was at my desk to collect. I very politely told her that I thought that collecting money was tacky and that I didn’t even know this person or her sister. Besides, it’s against company policy to solicit for any reason. She gave me a mean look and went about her business. I know I could have easily given a 5 or 10 dollar bill like everyone else, but why should I? So that everyone knows, if I had know her, I would gladly have sent her some flowers or something else. I’m not cold-hearted.
Is this sort of thing common, collecting money in this circumstance I mean. I think it may be a cultural thing.
If they were collecting $1 or $2 from each person to send flowers or food basket to the family, I probably would have contributed. If they were collecting a similar amount to donate to a charity in the sister’s name I would likely have contributed. But just collecting cash to give to someone whose sister has just died seems tacky to me.
Maybe this employee knows something about the family situation that you are unaware of? Maybe this sister wasn’t married and the family is left with a lot of medical bills that some money might help with? Maybe there are funeral costs that this employee knows the sister and/or rest of the family can’t afford and this money would help towards those?
I understand and respect your right to politely decline contributing but…maybe there are circumstances you aren’t privy to that makes a “love offering” a helpful thing in the case of this particular family?
The truely objectionable thing about it is that you were asked publically to donate. There should have been a box somewhere where people who are so inclined can donate if they want to do so. Going to your desk and shoving a box in your face was out of line.
As for why cash might have been appropriate, maybe she had to buy a plane ticket to get to the funeral.
A few bucks for flowers is one thing, but soliciting a a couple hundred (total) for a “love offering” is just plain weird and uber tacky, unless the sister was in some kind of distressed financial circumstances because of the illness. I could see this in some kind of third world villager context, but in a US office building full of professionals it’s just plain odd.
“We’re sorry your sister died. Here’s a few hundred bucks.”
Do the collector and the sister share a common culture?
Frankly, the term “love offering” sets my teeth on edge anyway. It’s not love if you’re having to hit people up for it, is it? Wouldn’t love imply more or less voluntary giving? I’d think they should just have a box somewhere so people can give or not give without facing a guilt trip from the collector.
It seems quite tacky to me. I have no idea what I’d do with a gift like that.
It would’ve been sufficient to decline politely – something like, “I’m sorry, I can’t right now.” I agree that expressions of group sympathy are tacky, but it’s also rude to lecture someone on their tackiness.
I’ve decided to opt out of these never-ending collections at work. My main objection is that it isn’t done for everyone. Well frankly, my objection is that it wasn’t done for me when I had an unexpected hospitalization. I live alone, and when I got out of the hospital I had no food in the house and was unable to drive. Two weeks after I got back to work someone came around collecting to have dinner sent to a male coworker whose wife was having a long-planned operation.
I agree that it can wear on a person to get hit up at the office for every life event for people that you may or may not know, and it’s completely your choice as to whether you want to contribute.
However, I don’t know if it’s possible to politely tell someone that what they’re doing is tacky, especially if they have good intentions. You might have done better to simply say, “Sorry, but I don’t care to contribute,” and leave it at that.
Love offering? I’m curious as to how it’s presented. In a card? “Hey Sheila, sorry to hear your sister died. Here’s $134.63 from the office.”
Bizzare, although I can see if the person lived out of town and had to get a flight to attend services, or didn’t have paid bereavment time. I don’t know- I certainly wouldn’t have contributed if I didn’t know the person OR her sister. That’s just asking a lot from someone, IMHO.
I have been on both ends of this. A few times as a donator, and, sadly, once as a “beneficiary.” In none of the instances, did I feel it was tacky. In fact, after my mom passed away, I was deeply moved that an entire department of people, some of whom I’ve had disagreements with, made contributions. While the amount contributed was not “large”, it was substantial and generous. There were a couple times when none of us had our checkbooks or credit cards with us, and the cash came in handy for incidentals (last minute items, tissues, water, quick snacks, etc. at the viewing.)
The remainder of the gift was donated to a charity we didn’t decide upon until a week after the funeral. (Turns out that the charity I initially would have thought my mother would have donated to is not one that she supported. We settled on the local Hospice, and that certainly would have meant much more to her.)
But, as has been said, it is your money and certainly your right to donate as much or as little as you’d care to, if you donate at all. What IS tacky is the reaction you were given when you declined to donate.
If I were given a reason, like “so and so’s sister’s funeral is out of town and she can’t afford to go to the funeral” then yes, I would have contributed. In your situation, I don’t think you were wrong.
If you don’t know the person, then you weren’t wrong. I would have refrained from giving the quasi-lecture but I understand why you felt the way you did.
Most places I’ve worked collect money, but rarely give it. I’m the only exception I can think of. When my daughters were born, the place I worked collected enough money for some savings bonds, as well as a gift of flowers. When my dad died, my coworkers gave flowers and money - to help offset the cost of my last minute flight home. In both cases, it was a round number divisible by 50. In neither case did I find it tacky. In both cases, I was moved by how much individuals must have given.
To me, what was tacky was a coworker taking it around by hand and watching you donate. Everywhere I’ve been, the envelope appears on your desk, with a card. If you choose to donate, you can. If not, you just sign the card. No one ever knows. Do you work in an environment where theft would be an issue?
Another vote for tacky. It’s one thing to ask for a few bucks for a bouquet or flowers, a charity or even a small gift basket for the family. But a “love fund??”
According to a book targeted to social workers, teachers and other social services type (sorry, I can’t find the title right now) it is definitely a cultural thing. In cultures of “generational poverty” (think the rural South, both white and black) it is entirely expected that you will share your good fortune, and your neighbors will share when you have problems, without having to be asked. People who have been raised in middle-class or upper-class environments think it’s appropriate to give money only to family members, or through institutions.
I’ve seen this phenomenon a few times first-hand. Once at a church, the minister announced that so-and-so’s sister had died and they passed the plate. It wasn’t hard to notice that many of the poorer members of the church immediately reached for their wallets, while the better-off members tended to look around and see what everyone else was doing. I saw the same thing happen at a stock car track after the PA announcer died suddenly.
Business environments are supposed to be “middle-class” so by that standard, it’s tacky. However, your co-worker probably thought it was the most natural thing in the world.
I certainly think that the people who are being asked for money should be privy to any such information, or at least the existance of any such information if privacy is an issue.
Call me a cynic, but if I’m giving money to someone, I want to know exactly what’ll be done with it.