While what she did was tacky, Miss Manners would say that pointing it out to her was tacky too. A better way to handle it is to say “I’m having some tough times myself and can’t afford to give, but I’m praying for her”. Even if the woman who is collecting the money suspects that you are an atheist, she can’t really hound a person who is praying for the family of the deceased (well, she could, but that takes tacky to the next level).
I’ve noticed similar phenomena with bad injuries/bad illnesses/death at one place that I once worked. It seemed to have occured most often with blacks but also with whites to a lesser degree. One that I most remember is when a laborers’ young teenage daughter was strangled and beaten to death by three older teenage boys (she might have been raped, I don’t know). The laborer was white. I think that kunilou pretty much nails it.
Hee hee 
It’s “love offering”, but that was too cute, I had to point it out! 
I’d like to set up a love…er um, lust fund please
I cringe at the words “love offering” because this was the term used at a church service I attended a LONG time ago. :eek:
Several things.
First, I don’t think a gift of money is by definition tacky. There was recently another thread about this, and some people thought it was tacky, and for others, like me, giving money at a time of bereavement is so standard that I was amazed to learn that other people find it tacky. So I’m thinking this perception really changes from region to region and culture to culture.
However, the way this woman went about collecting was in fact decidedly unclassy. Letting people know who was organizing the donations is as far as anyone should have gone, so that those interested in giving could seek out that person, or drop the money in an envelope, or whatever. The fact that you don’t even know this person should be a glaring message to the collector that you probably aren’t interested in participating.
In closing, yep, I think you were right to decline to participate. However, I would say maybe don’t be so quick to decide if this is tacky or not … it’s probably just different.
At my former place of employment, it was common practice to collect money everytime someone lost a parent or child or if someone was seriously ill. If a child was ill, the money would be used to make up a basket full of goodies and toys. However, the usual procedure would be to send an e-mail to the department then send around a card and envelope. No one monitored who ponied up money and who chose not to.
StG
I agree, that it was handled in a manner that could be interpreted as nervy, if not downright offensive. As it has been pointed out, it may be a subcultural issue: some groups react (and expect others to react) in different ways that may strike a nerve unintentionally.
Personally, I give a (relatively) generous amount if the misfortune happened to the co-worker, but donate a token amount only if it’s “just” a family member of a co-worker. And then only if that co-worker was a “workplace buddy.” I didn’t contribute to the envelope requesting donations to pay for the band uniform of a niece of one of the co-workers who can’t be bothered to return a friendly “hello” unless it’s a member of her own “social group.” But she had no problem asking us for money! For some of us, it was the first time she had ever spoken to them.
In that same, fairly large cube farm of desolation and despair, much effort was put into raising funds for a single father in another department (whom most had never even met) after his anguished profile was pictured on the front page of a local newspaper after his condo mysteriously caught fire and burned out.
Over a thousand dollars, cash, was raised for this unfortunate fellow in his time of need. Evidently, 'twasn’t quite enough…as he was arrested some time later, after robbing a local bank. He used his “one free phone call” to call his boss to let him know he “wouldn’t be at work” for a few days. As it turned out, there was a rather unhealthy crack cocaine habit to feed as well as his young daughter, and all our bake sales, raffles, and donations to his benefit disappeared in wisps of smoke from a glass pipe shortly thereafter. :wally
Far as I know, he’s still in prison.
Needless to say, I like to get some information about the situation, before I blindly fork over the cash. Not to be judgmental, since who would’ve known (except his close friends and family) about the crack addiction, but simply to make an informed decision before making a transfer of resources.
The cultural explanation kunilou used makes sense to me, I work in a factory so we’re economically considered middle class, but culturally we’re more like lower, y’know? Totally standard procedure to have a box going around for someone’s family crisis, and since theft would be an issue at my job, there’s definitely a collector going from person to person.
For ‘smaller’ things like a grandparent dying or birth of a baby the collecting would stay within that person’s department and only people that actually work with that employee daily would be asked. Larger things like death of a parent or child or an employee that’s been in an accident, those collections will go further.
Last winter, someone in a facility connected to mine passed away unexpectedly at 35 years old, leaving behind four young children. Our union officials raised funds for the family for a week, organizing raffles and such to up the total contributions. We wound up presenting the widow with a check for five thousand, certainly it’s not going to make up for her family’s loss, but the idea is easing the financial burden of the family, however temporarily. No one in my building even knew who this guy was, but that didn’t matter, the feeling is ‘there but by grace go I’ or something, eh?
In fact, there was a death at a plant in a different town Tuesday and every local union is already collecting for the family. It’s just what we do.
I’ve never seen anyone get outright guilted for not contributing, and some don’t, but the majority throw in a few dollars each time.
I was working at a drugstore making minimum wage when my son was born, couldn’t find a higher paying position and leave the insurance benefits at the time. My coworkers ran a betting pool, 50/50 style, on the baby’s birthdate and weight, and the employee that won decided to donate his winnings along with the rest collected. It certainly wasn’t a substantial amount, but not only was I incredibly touched and appreciated the generosity, the money itself was quite useful.
Sounds like the intention was good but the execution was badly off. FWIW my last two places of employment developed procedures for this stuff, i.e. deaths, births, graduations, illnesses, etc.
At one, employees had the option to voluntarily contribute I think it was 25 cents per pay check toward the “Sunshine Fund”. (Hey, I didn’t pick the name.) There were guidelines of what qualified, i.e. closeness of relative, etc. It helped remove the “X got more than Y did!” type of resentments. It also removed the constant begging, which could be a real pain. And it was all anonymous. Any flowers, gift, card, whatever was simply signed from the department.
My current place has general guidelines but just sends out an e-mail to everyone. Anybody wanting to contribute can either hand one of the staff reps. a sealed envelope or put in their mailbox. Again, there’s no direct pressure to contribute and it’s anonymous.
I don’t think you were wrong for not contributing, rostrei. I do have a few reservations about your saying the collection was tacky, because that opinion bled over onto the charitable impulse behind the collection. Maybe true, but not the optimal time to express it. Something more neutral probably would have gone over much better, i.e. separating your distaste for the method of collection from sympathy for the death that occassioned it.
Veb
I’m with veb here. You are under no obligation to give $ and the way they asked for it was out of line. Sometimes people will have fundraisers if they can’t afford funeral expenses, but I’ve never heard of the concept that a love offering would make the family feel better.
I think it is more common than most people think. When my brother died in an accident leaving a wife and one month old baby money was sent to me from my husband’s office. I thought it was very sweet of them and sent the money to my sister-in-law for the baby’s education fund. When my husband’s father died, his coworkers sent a card with money. We used it to buy a crabapple tree, like one at my father-in-law’s house, to plant in our yard. It always reminds my husband of his father.
We’re all pretty solidly middle class and white. I think people want to give money instead of flowers because everyone knows how costly death can be, they don’t want to waste money on flowers when the family left might experience financial hardship. (Just so no one thinks we’re horrible to buy a tree and not give the money to his mom, she’s extremely upper middle class).
Not necessarily tacky or weird to give money, but it should be done in a completely voluntary, anonymous way.
I can’t see what’s tacky about helping make life a little easier for someone who just lost a sister. It’s not about making someone “feel” better, it’s about helping them out in a practical way.
Maybe she’s going to have to take a few days off of work and the money will help her pay the rent this month. Maybe she’s got to drive 6 hours to go to the funeral and needs to rent a car because the car she has can’t be trusted to make the long trip. Maybe, as said earlier, a plane ticket is involved. There are a million reasons that bereaved people could use some extra cash. I can’t think of many reasons, though, that bereaved families need a fruit basket or another bouquet of carnations that are just going to end up in the trash.
The fact that you don’t even know this person should be a glaring message to the collector that you probably aren’t interested in participating.
This I must disagree with. When 9/11 happened, there was what? A billion bucks raised in about 10 days? Most of the people contributing sure as hell didn’t know anyone hurt, killed, or directly affected by the attack. Thank God they didn’t go “screw it, I don’t know any of those people.”
Yeah, it’s your money and you can do what you want with it. But sheesh, it’s $5, a chance to help someone out and a seed for good karma in your own life. Five lousy bucks. I would hope that if you got in a jam there would be people other than those who know you that would be willing to help in whatever way they can, especially if helping would cause them to exert almost zero effort and cause them no pain or trouble.
Are you a bitch? Maybe, maybe not; bitchiness should be evaluated on more than just one incident. That you seem to need to know someone personally (and, I assume, like them) to help someone makes me think that you may not be the most compassionate or giving person in the world, but that’s your perogative. I wouldn’t cry too much if my coworkers start thinking I’m a jerk, though.
I can see why you thought the method of collection was tacky, but I can also see its practical side. People steal. There are 75 people where you work. If I was hoping to raise a semi-decent chunk of money at work for somebody, there is no way I would just pass around an envelope. Someone out of that 75 is going to help themselves, even if it’s just a $10, and that’s not fair to those who gave believing it would go to help the bereaved coworker. The more people that have access to the collection, the greater the chances for theft. (Were I the one doing the collecting, I would make a list of everyone who gave and the amount that they gave so there would be no question that every dollar went to where it was supposed to go, should the question arise.)
When my dad suddenly died, everyone at my mom’s work donated money to her. I forget how much it came to—a few hundred dollars, I think
My mom worked at a bank in Glendale, California (very middle class). I believe the coworkers came from a cross-section of cultures and heritages (black, white, Armenian, etc.). My mom was very surprised by the donation, but very touched. I think because my dad’s death was so sudden, their sympathy was great. I don’t know. All I know is that it’s also done among middle class folk of many races.
I agree with others here—if it were me, I probably wouldn’t have made the “tacky” remark (though the method of collection did seem a little clumsy and tacky) and I would given, or not given, depending on my circumstances and feelings at the time.
When my brother died suddenly, my reserve unit did a collection and donated the money to a related charity in my brother’s name. I always appreciated the gesture as it meant much more than just a card.
I’m under the impression that in some states, the family IS responsible for bills.
I am not 100% sure about the legal aspect but I know my family at least has always felt morally responsible to take care of any debts a family member left behind.
My uncle (on my mother’s side) passed away 2 years ago and left behind some bills. He wasn’t married and had no children. My father took care of the debt so that other family members didn’t have to worry about that on top of grieving for the loss of their brother.
I’ve given money to charities, to help with flowers or funeral expenses and food for out of town guests and such. Then again, where I’m from, when someone you know has a death in the family you immediately start calling up people to help make sure their family has food to last them for a couple days so they don’t have to worry about that on top of their loss.
I am not saying you should just hand over your wallet willy-nilly and you certainly have the right to not contribute if you so choose. Just be mindful that there might be expenses or hardships you are unaware of that need to be addressed and other coworkers were trying to do this…albeit in a bad manner. 
Those $5 “donations” can really add up. Especially if you’re not used to being asked for contributions all the time, and therefore haven’t factored it into your budget.
And to equate a death of a relative of a coworker with 9/11 is offensive.
I probably would have looked at you meanly as well. No one likes to be told they’re tacky–especially when it’s obvious their intent is good. You probably came across not as an arbiter of good taste and class, but as an inconsiderate person. It’s sort of like if everyone had pitched in and bought an unusual flower arrangement for the bereaved, and you had pointed out the hideousness of their gift.
Not saying the woman wasn’t in the wrong, though. There’s no need to solicit contributions from individuals–especially if the soliciter doesn’t really know all the potential contributers very well. She could have simply let it have been known that she was starting a “love offering” and anyone who wanted to give could meet with her on their own.
But I think her thoughtfulness trumps the tackiness of asking for money. If you didn’t want to give, you could have just said, “My thoughts are with her and her family” or something like that. No need to piss all in her lemonade. Now, there’s a good chance that coworker’s going to have bad feelings towards you for awhile. If you care about her or your relationship (and don’t want to be known as Office Bitch[sup]TM[/sup]), you should try to smooth things over with an apology or something.
A person can still “keep it real” while being tactful and considerate.
I’m with the other people who see this as a class/economic thing.
I’m solidly white collar/middle class, as is Mr. Athena - we’re both programmers/tech workers, etc. However, the bulk of my family is blue collar, and many live paycheck to paycheck. We also live in an economically depressed area.
Collecting money when someone dies is normal. More often than not, the family doesn’t have a lot of cash lying around to take care of things that those of us in better financial situations wouldn’t bat an eye at. The money is used for funeral expenses, to allow people to take a few days off of work (when you work at a grocery store or at a gas station, you don’t get days off with pay when a loved one dies), to order in a couple pizzas to feed the people who may not feel quite up to cooking.
Sure, it might be tacky, but I’m not about to let middle-class-lots-o-money people dictate what a poor family might need when someone dies. I personally would feel odd getting money if someone close to me died; I’d probably end up giving it to a charity. But just because I feel that way doesn’t mean that I’m going to assume that everyone else feels that way as well. It sucks to plan a funeral and have to also figure out how to pay your rent because you’ll have to take 3 days off work and you live paycheck-to-paycheck.
Other than that, I do think going from employee to employee in a work situation is tacky, especially when you don’t even know the person. I got so sick of giving money for everything when I worked in an office. They should have posted something in a common area (“We’re taking donations to help Jane through this difficult time. Please see Susan if you’d like to donate.”) or sent out an email or something.
I’d also point out that although a U.S. office is considered “middle-class” an medium-size office probably includes workers from all diffferent backgrounds. And no matter what the employee handbooks may say about soliciting other employees or appropriate workplace behavior, I’ve never seen one that even attempted to break down “the rules” so that everyone started from the same place:
Posting an order form in the lunchroom for your child’s Girl Scout Cookies - okay
Having your child go desk to desk to sell Girl Scout Cookies - not okay
And so on.
Until the thread of a few weeks ago, I had never heard of donating money to a grieving family, and at first glance I considered it a bit tacky myself. I’m white, middle-class, and raised in the upper Midwest (I’m thinking geography might have something to do with it too).
My two-year-old niece was killed in a car accident in January, and as far as I know her parents didn’t receive any donations. A co-worker of mine did purchase a tree planted in a grove near here and gave me the certificate that this was done in Hannah’s memory, and that touched me. A friend did the “buy a star” thing and I know that my sister and brother-in-law certainly appreciated it. There was also talk of donating stuffed animals to the hospital in Hannah’s memory (to give to other children during ambulance rides) and that was touching as well. Wells Fargo (where both my sister and brother-in-law work) also talked of setting up a scholarship fund in Hannah’s memory, also greatly appreciated. But other than that, I don’t know of any donations. Personally, I would feel that a donation might be out of place, but I would appreciate the sentiment behind the gesture.
Now for baby pools (as Queen Tonya mentioned earlier), I participated in one and was rather shocked when the “winner” kept the pot rather than giving it to the expectant mother. Same with baby shower parting gifts - I was under the impression that it was customary to give these door prizes to the mother as well. Apparently it’s not, in some places.
Snicks