Am I being a Bitch? (collecting $ at work for employee whose sister died)

In My Humble Opinion
41

I’m going to treat this as a poll and say that I really dislike the recent trend to collect money for every death, illness, hospitalization, etc.

rostfrei’s office has a policy against these collections, that should be enough of a reason for them not to occur.

One reason I dislike them so is because they take on an aspect of a popularity contest. Look at lainaf’s case: she gets nothing but is then asked to give money for a coworker whose condition is arguably less big a deal.

It’s never happened to me, but I think I would be flustered and put-out if I were given an unsolicited, odd sum of money after a death in the family. But it would be wonderful if the people who honestly care about me would offer to cook meals, look after pets, etc.

I just keep thinking about a former coworker who was an unpleasant guy, more trouble than he was worth as an employer, and was given one of these cash collections when a distant relative of his wife died. So he used it to upgrade his plane ticket to first class.

42

In Pennsylvania, where I live, the medical bills don’t go away when the person dies. Either the bills are settled by the estate, which is the norm, or if there is no estate, the next of kin is still responsible. However, the physician is not required to collect on these bills, and, in many cases, my office wrote them off if the balances were small enough or if there were mitigating circumstances. For example, if a child died and the patient was uninsured, we’d eat it rather than pester a grieving family. Sometimes, executors also negotiated lower amounts to leave more for the survivors. Again, depending on the circumstances, the doctor’s office should be willing to work with the family to ensure an equitable and reasonable settlement.

Robin

43

One reason I dislike them so is because they take on an aspect of a popularity contest.

This, unfortunately, is very true, and not just in offices.

The final blow to any respect that I ever had for the people I graduated with had to do with collections. We had one classmate, a popular girl, get totally bombed at a party one night and ended up nearly killing herself in a car crash. Oh, how the red carpet was rolled out for her. A benefit dance, passing the plate, calling students in the middle of the summer asking for contributions, etc. I can’t remember the exact amount of money raised but it was in the thousands.

Then a few months later, around Christmas, one of the least popular girls in our class had a house fire and lost everything. She also had a baby boy at the time. I think I managed to get $10 out of my homeroom, the pricks.

44

I don’t want to hijack this too much, but could you clarify this a little? For example, my husband has no contact with his father, beyond where he lives. To the best of our knowledge, he has no assets, no insurance, and no other living realitives outside my husband and his siter (who also has only the most minimal contact with the man). If he were to quickly accumulate a million dollars in medical bills and then die, could we be held legally accountable for that money? That seems bizarre to me–in the case of a minor child, sure. But it seems like after a legal adult’s estate has been exhausted, then that’s it–relatives ought not be accountable, not even hypothetically.

45

Manda, that’s going to vary by state, so contact a lawyer in your area to find out what you would or wouldn’t be responsible for.

As a general rule, I have no problem with taking up money for someone who has some sort of financial burden following a bereavement. If the sister was responsible for medical bills, funereal expenses, or had to take unpaid time off work, I’d certainly be willing to kick in a couple bucks to ease the burden if I could. My parents’ bowling league does this for people when it seems appropriate.

They took up a collection for my parents when Dad had his heart attack and bypass surgery. That couple hundred bucks didn’t go a long way toward the medical bills and living expenses during that three months he was off work, but it did help, and god knows Mom appreciated it. We all appreciated everything people did to help us out–the money, the meals people brought to the hospital so we wouldn’t have to eat the overpriced slop in the cafeteria, the guy who drove me to a drugstore to get my prescriptions filled after I landed in the ER during that period, the pillows and blankets people brought so we’d be more comfortable sleeping in the waiting room, the people helping us hound Mom into eating so she wouldn’t get sick too, the people who sometimes dragged us out of the hospital for a bit of fresh air and something resembling normalcy, all of it. It all made a really hard time just a little easier, and it meant the world to all of us. I have no problem paying such kindness back, forward, or any other direction.

All that being said, I don’t quite follow the concept of “We’re sorry you lost your sister; here’s some cash to make you feel better.” Money’s no comfort at all to the bereaved, and if there’s no financial burden caused by the loss, comfort becomes the entire aim. As such, the collection is useless. In that sort of situation, I probably wouldn’t contribute either.

Not contributing doesn’t make you a bitch. Telling the woman her planned gesture of sympathy was tacky…that’s pretty questionable. It might or might not be actually bitchy, but it was insulting. Given the situation, it was gratuitously insulting. Gratuitously insulting someone who is trying to do something nice for somebody is poor form, to say the least.

46

I once worked with a large company that did this a couple of times. One person did the collecting, and she was the driving force behind it each time. Problem was that she was a 1st class scam artist and I have no doubt that many of the dollars collected ended up in her pocket.

47

Oh, geez, this IS a touchy subject.

I work in an office where I get to be the “collector” most of the time. I tell folks the fund is “open”, I remind them of the deadline by which all donations must be in, but NO! I do NOT go desk-to-desk!

The father of one of my bosses’ passed away recently. Now, this woman is well off and bills were not a problem - well, of course bills are always a problem but financially they could handle it. So straight off the office collection was for donation to a charity I knew the family had supported for many years. I sat back and collected the money, but at no time did I pursue anyone or even suggest they should donate. Key concept here is that a voluntary donation needs to be voluntary.

Anyhow, some folks gave a surprising amount. Others not at all. I absolutely do not question anyone giving or not giving. I do keep a tally of who and how much (just in case there’s ever a question), but that is seen by no one but me and I eventually destroy it. Everyone signs the sympathy card, but why should someone donate anything to someone they intensely dislike, or the family member of such a person? We have two staff with kids on the way - one who is going the single-parent route due to a boyfriend developing extremely unsavory habits. We have other staff members who have had illness or injury in their own families this year. I’VE had illness in my family this year.

As far as the collections for everything - THAT can border on extortion. Used to work at an office were it seemed every single week someone was collecting for a graduation or death or marriage or birth or what have you. Not only that, they were “SUGGESTING” an amount - usually $10 or $20. Seriously, I was asked three time in a week for $20 donation to one cause or another! I finally said no more - the folks asking this were all making twice what the staff at my level were making and frankly, I just couldn’t afford it.

Then I got the “but when YOU have a special event —” line.

I pointed out that I had already graduated both high school and college; I was married 6 years when I joined up, therefore would not have the engagement party, bridal shower, or wedding to collect for; the husband and I were not going to have kids for reasons beyond our control and therefore there would be no baby showers in my future; and frankly I just outright preferred to NOT have anyone die in my family, thank you very much. So I faced the prospect of these multiple requests per month among this largely 20-30 year old consultant staff (the prime time for all this sort of stuff, it seems) and I would most likely only collect if my husband or a close relative died - yeah, just skippy. I just couldn’t afford to keep it up

One factor that tends to keep the “donation seeking” under control where I currently work is that we are all well covered by health insurance (we work for the darn insurance company) so issues of medical bills only arise with truly catastrophic situations. If someone’s kid breaks a leg the doctor bills are covered. So for us, it tends towards baby/wedding showers and funerals.

Another pet peeve is the cultural issue thing. Look, we all know we live in a (pick a metaphor) melting pot/tossed salad/mish-mash of cultures here in America, particularly in urban areas. It really cranks my handle when someone throws a hissy-fit because people of a different background don’t understand or have never heard of their customs. As a hypothetical situation, a descendant of slaves form a family coming out of “multi-general poverty” who is now working in an office predominantly middle to upper middle class people who do not have this post-slavery, coping-with-poverty culture should NOT get peeved because the white folks don’t intimately understand the nuances of black death and funeral customs. They’re from a different culture, get it? Likewise, if a person of white, upper-middle class background finds themself in a situation where they are working mostly with black or hispanic or Hindi folks and everyone around them “passes the hat” in a manner strange and unfamilar to said white person - well, remember different folks do things differently.

Even among people of roughly similar culture, different workplaces might have their own customs, too - as one can tell just from reading this thread.

Yes, poor folks (and I think this is world-wide) do seem more inclined to open wallets for the needy people in their circle, and more inclined to give and receive gifts of pure money. It makes perfect sense - such a community does provide a safety net and form of mutual insurance and aid. Wealthy folks do not do this - and it’s a cultural thing.

Want to hear another clash of cultures? I know of a married couple where her family views a handmade gift as being superior, but his family looks down on handmade and values store-bought more highly. Cultural issues again - her family had been middle class and urban for generations, so most items were bought and handmade things were rare and special. His family was multi-generational poor and rural, where most things were handmade of necessity, and it was store bought that was rare and special. Definitely, understanding and tolerance is required around gift-giving in that family.

48

<hijack>
Yes, yes, I understand this culture clash!

To add another wrinkle to the handmade vs. store-bought thing, everyone in my family values handmade things more because so many of us are artsy or craftsy people, and we know how much time and effort and love goes into making something handmade. (We’re usually talking here about needlework, clothing, pottery, artwork, etc.) It isn’t a matter of money or cheapness (or expensiveness), it’s the time and effort, and how we appreciate someone putting in the time to learn how do make that thing, and make it well.

Only rarely do other people not appreciate this, but I daresay a few times they have, and now I realize that the cultural difference you mention is probably the cause of it. The thing is (if I may be so bold for a moment), I think my family makes great handmade items. Some of these things have sold in galleries and stores. So it isn’t a matter of them being not “good enough” or in some way inferior to store-bought items. But I guess since they are “handmade,” in some people’s eyes, they are not desireable.
</hijack>

49

Tacky! Tacky! Tacky!

From Hot Shots! the movie. (quotes as best I can recall)

Charlie Sheen: I emptied me bank account, cashed in my savings bonds, sold my bike. $5200 is all I could come up with, its my life savings. I want you to have it.

Grieving Widow: Oh thank you. MY husband had a multimillion dollar insurance policy so I never have to worry about money again. I can just take this and blow it all on hats.

If there is no expressed reason for the money than it is very tacky. If there is a financial hardship and charity is needed than it should be explained.

50

Depends on the practice and the amount involved.

Whatever health insurance policy was in effect at the time is responsible for paying their share, even if claims were filed after the patient’s death. So that’s usually a significant portion right there.

Once the person dies, the physician is considered a “creditor”, which means that a claim can be made to the person’s estate. At this point, the probate court is involved, and the executor of the estate will usually work to arrange a lower settlement.

OTOH, if the patient is destitute and dies intestate, the practices I’ve worked for will usually either work to settle with the next of kin that was listed in the patient’s records (I’ve never seen them look for any other relatives), or will just eat it on the theory that they can’t get blood from a stone.

Most physician’s offices are usually pretty reasonable. As long as you’re being reasonable with them, they’ll usually be pretty accommodating.

Robin