I have been growing more and more distant from my church. I’m just not buyin’ what they are sellin’ if you know what I mean. But that is a different story. I have been very innactive since September of last year.
Our family (wife and 2 kids) used to be very involved. My wife is on a committee from the church that is giving feedback to our minister of music as he goes through seminary. They have a meeting scheduled for tomorrow just after noon when church gets out. He is buying pizza for everyone but my wife agreed to go pick it up for him.
My wife is in nursing school and works in a hospital and has odd hours. She just found out she has to work tomorrow and cannot attend the meeting. She texted me and asked if I would go get the pizza and take it to the meeting.
In fairness my kids are singing early in the 11am service so I will be at church tomorrow. But after that I wanted to take the hiking or to the movies or something. Days off are precious and I love spending weekends doing fun things with the kiddos. I don’t want to waste an hour going to get pizza for a meeting neither I nor my wife will be attending.
She says she feels responsible for getting the food and I would be helping her out. I say she needs to tell him now she can’t do it and let him figure it out - its his problem, not hers - and certainly not mine.
I love my wife and would do anything for her, but I am not inclined to help out this music minister at the expense of time with the kids.
So get the pizza. She’s asking you to help her out with a favor.
Although actually if I were in this situation, I’d probably help my wife find someone else who’s going to be at the meeting that can pick up the pizza. It is a little bit silly for someone who’s not even going to the meeting to be the one to pick the pizza up, and I bet that there’s some other meeting attendee who wouldn’t mind helping out.
To answer the main question, I don’t think you’re being a jerk per se, although certainly there are more jerkish and less jerkish ways that you could potentially address this problem.
Your wife made a commitment. Doesn’t matter that you’re not particularly interested in the commitment, she promised someone to do something and so it’s kind of her responsibility to find someone to do it if she can’t. So you would be helping her to do that by picking up the pizza.
That being said, a) there’s nothing wrong with her telling the music minister she can’t do it and asking if he can find someone else, and b) if I were in this situation (which I am sometimes, as my husband and I attend different churches) I’d try to find someone from the church who could do it before asking my husband. And then, if no one else could be found, it would make more sense for you to be the person-of-last-resort,
But my husband has absolutely stepped up for me in this kind of situation before, when I couldn’t find anyone else to do it. Think of it this way: you’re teaching your kids the lesson that you and your wife follow through with what you’ve promised to do, and that you work as a team. That’s worth a couple of hiking trips, in my opinion.
Yes, but I get where you’re coming from. But the favor you’re doing is having your wife’s back and supporting her in something she clearly cares about. Doing that for her is a good thing.
She doesn’t care about it. She thinks it is silly and wishes she was had nover volunteered. She feels she has put way more effort into the process than he has.
I’m going to say “You’re not being a jerk, but you’re kinda being a jackass to your wife.” She’s in a bind and needs you’re help and you’re not willing to do it*. It seems to me that the personal issues you have the church don’t even play into this.
My suggestion, take the kids to church, leave early (if that’s what you do) go grab some donuts or lunch with them (or stay if that’s what you do). Grab the pizzas, drop them off and go do your thing. Think of it as doing your wife a favor.
*This comment is taken solely from the information provided, I know nothing whatsoever of the dynamic of your relationship, so I could, of course, be way off base here.
That’s another issue all together. She needs to stop volunteering, not let them all go hungry at the meeting. Either that or she needs to call him up and say “Hey, I’m not going to be able to make it to the meeting, can you take care of the pizzas”
But this is a completely and utterly different issue then the OP.
OK I think I am narrowing it down to the fact that I resent the church and this guy in particular. He makes $50k and works 25 hours a week and the rest of his 40 hours he is paid to go to school. My wife has worked for him tirelesly for several years leading kids programs, playing for the choir, playing for funerals, always having his back.
I think if she is telling him she cannot make it to the meeting tomorrow he needs to put on his big boy pants and find one of the several other people that WILL be attending the meeting to do it. She is giving him plenty of notice to find someone to pick up pizza.
Fair enough, but she cares enough to ask you. The only question- can you do it for her without compromising your own values? How do you balance your desire to help your wife with your own moral code. Sounds like the ethics of helping your wife still significantly outweighs the ethics of helping a church you find yourself distant from, in this specific case.
If it was something you truly found morally objectionable, that would be a different story. Or, for the future, you can tell your wife about your ambivalence about helping the church and define a line you don’t want to cross.
ETA: Saw your post- frankly ask your wife if she would be pissed if you drew a line in the sand here. If she would be upset, factor that in, if not, follow your own moral code. If you’re worried about being a jerk to her- ask her how she feels and decide accordingly.
She has stopped volunteering. This is something she started a long time ago and is following though on.
I agree that she needs to call him and say, “I am sorry but I just found out I have to work tomorrow and won’t be able to attend the meeting or bring the pizzas. Wanted to let you know in plenty of time so you can make other arrangements.”
It’s really not about a moral code or anything. It is as simple as this: Let him know she can’t make it so he can ask someone else WHO IS ATTENDING THE MEETING to pick up the pizza…
Wow - It’s a pizza not an abortion. No one’s making any life altering decisions here.
But I’ll agree with ITD on one point. She asked you to do this for her. For whatever reason, she doesn’t want to not do it. If you don’t do it for her, I get the feeling she’s either going to be scrambling to find someone else to do it or trying to sneak out of work for an hour to take care of it.
I’d say you pick up the pizza for her, and the two of you deal with her continuing volunteer work later, when you have time to discuss it. Perhaps you can work out a compromise if she really likes it. Maybe she only works X days per week and the rest of the week it doesn’t exist to her. Maybe she needs to start getting paid for it. Maybe it’s time for her to quit and just be a regular parishioner etc…
Is there some reason (and maybe I missed it) she can’t just call him up and say “Hey, I just realized I won’t be able to get out of work, can you take care of picking up the pizza?”
On the one hand, this seems like a lot of drama over some pizza. On the other hand, I’m guessing the drama is limited to this thread and it’s not the case IRL.
You could also go with the time-honored “I will do this for you ONCE because you are in a tight spot and I love you and want to help you out, but please don’t ask me again because this is something I really am not interested in doing.”
Since it sounds like you are planning to skip out of church early anyhow as soon as the kids sing (are they not staying for Sunday School?) it’s really not a whole hour out of your life, is it? Drive to the pizza place as soon as you leave (order an extra one for lunch for you and the kids) and have them back at the church right at noon. If the kids are staying for Sunday School (if your church does it during the service time) you’ll be just in time to pick the kids up, and lunch is ready for you, too! And then you will feel good all day because you did something nice for your wife.
Your reaction to being asked this small favor changes this from “growing more distant” from the church to being openly hostile to a place your children seem to enjoy, and letting them know that is a tad bit jerkish.
But my concern is…who is paying for the pizzas? And couldn’t they deliver to the church?