Definitely not too much of a hardass. If she was a drunk, you wouldn’t give her a ride to the liquor store, would you? Your daughter has deliberately chosen an addictive, destructive habit. Why should you feel obligated to be a participant in that in any way?
Saving her life is being too hardassed? Nah. You are doing the right thing.
I am a total hardass. When my husband’s grandmother was in the nursing home with Alzheimer’s, the only two things she ever wanted us to bring her were cigarettes and pudding cups. Guess what we brought her? Yes, I am a bitch.
I will never, never make it easier for my loved ones to poison themselves.
Did you at least bring her the pudding cups? (please?)
My initial inclination was that yes you are. But on thinking about it, she’s an adult. If she can’t get her life together enough to buy her own damn cigarettes then she can just tough it out. In a one time situation it would be one thing, but from your description of her and her BF, it sounds like this is far from a one shot deal of needing a ride for smokes.
Has she checked the drugstores, RiteAid carries tubes, zigzag brand in the tobacco aisle.
I say don’t make a big deal about it, and do not make a special trip just to fetch for her. Make a big deal if she misses rent or whatever is a deal breaker. But asking a favor of you to pick up supplies doesn’t require a line in the sand either imo.
I must be a total hardass too. If my 15 year-old told me they were smoking and there was nothing I could do about it I’d probably respond with
“That’s true, I can’t make you stop. But there is no smoking aloud on my property indoors or outdoors so you’ll have to go out on the street if you want to smoke. And since your clothes now smell of smoke you are not allowed to sit on any of our furniture and you are going to have to wash your own laundry. And by the way when you’re 18 you’re going to have to quit or find a new place to live since I don’t care to live with an adult smoker. So enjoy your smokes.”
Another vote for “not too hardass”.
My son is just about to turn 21, and has smoked for at *least *two years (that I know of). Both of my parents died due to smoking-related illnesses (my father, rather horrifically), so I’ve always been very anti-smoking. However, I knew there was no way I could keep him from smoking, so I did what I could. I didn’t give him money (since I knew he’d spend it on smokes), and he had to go outside to smoke. The latter was a pretty big deal, since winter in central Oregon can be pretty miserable.
I just hope that he eventually manages to quit. His smoking just breaks my heart. If it was up to me, tobacco would be illegal.
If she was living at my house, rent or no, she wouldn’t be allowed to smoke. You might not have been able to do anything when she was a teenager but you damn sure can now.
I think you’ve done an excellent job here. She has two choices- stay and make due with the situation, or move out and do things her way. Given that she is unemployed and still living with you, I kind of wonder if she is taking the path of least resistance here. Obviously having to gasp! get a job and get out in the real world is simply too much work just to be able to smoke where/when she wants.
But bravo. I’m hoping this situation actually helps her quit. I’m not a smoker, but if I lived with someone like you then eventually I would decide that it was simply too much of a pain in the ass and give up the habit. Plus, what would happen if her b/f broke up with her? :eek:
I don’t necessarily think the OP is being a hardass, but house rules don’t mention no smoking, and they pay rent. It’s not about house rules.
Norinew didn’t say that, no, but it’s clear that she doesn’t want smoking in her house. And what does rent have to do with it? You don’t get to do whatever you want somewhere just because you paid to use it.
When my dad was in the hospital about 20 years ago, newly diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, my mom refused to help him light his cigarettes, which he couldn’t do himself with his freshly crippled hands. He found a nurse who smoked who would do it for him. :rolleyes: Eventually he relearned how to do it for himself.
He just died a few days ago of advanced lung cancer, two and a half months after being diagnosed. He was 69. It was basically a suicide that took 50 years to accomplish; he chain-smoked Luckies since he was about 16. My mom says the end was not pretty.
I vote not a hardass.
My impression is that the daughter will take her rolling papers and smoke somewhere off the property, same as she has been doing since she was 15. She can’t do whatever she wants in her mom’s house, but she is free to smoke in a public area where smoking is allowed. Provided, that is, she can find something to smoke.
And I kinda agree with kunilou, her boyfriend will come up with something soon enough, or perhaps she’ll figure something out herself, maybe trade favors with a friend who drives. I very highly doubt this incident will motivate her to quit, but the extended and overall hassle may make it easier, if that is what she wants. Or if she is a “social smoker” (who can take it or leave it, a lot of younger people are like that), then it she may decide there are better things to spend money on.
Apart from the health angle, how much is she spending on this addiction?
I thikn you’re doing the right thing.
Of course we took her pudding cups! Many pudding cups of many flavors!
Wrong Wrong Wrong! Smoking is a filthy, smelly, horrible disease forced onto people by big tobacco companies who don’t deserve to exist. The addictive quality of nicotine has been well known for decades, yet the government still allows the f*king lobbyists to lie about smoking being an ‘adult decision’. No one should consciously enable anyone to continue to slowly kill themselves. And quitting smoking IS possible. Smoking is not a normal way to live. And I do understand the addiction - I gave it up 10 years ago after nearly 20 years. All it took was my Dr saying ‘We’ll have to performs some tests to make sure it’s not lung cancer’.
Nope your not being a hardass. If she wants to smoke that badly she can walk the five miles or whatever it is. I say this as a** very** former smoker who would just about kill for a butt right now. I swear giving up smoking is about the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I wish someone would have made it difficult for me to smoke twenty years ago. Stick to your guns! Smoking is the single biggest regret I have in life, and if I get away from it after 25 years relatively unscathed I will be very lucky!
You’re not being unreasonable, but maybe you could offer to get her some patches or some gum to help get her started on quitting.
I don’t think it really matters if Norine is being a hardass or not. Her daughter is an adult now and she doesn’t have to do shit for her if she doesn’t want to–that includes renting out a room. If her daughter asks for a ride somewhere, Norine has every right to refuse for any reason she chooses, end of discussion.