My oldest daughter is 21, and a smoker. She’s smoked since she was ~14, and we busted her on it when she was 15. She sat in our living room and basically said “Yeah, I smoke, and you know what? There’s not really a damned thing you can do to stop me”, and dammit, she was right. I was horrified, because both of my parents died of smoking related illnesses. Both of my hubby’s parents have suffered smoking-related illnesses (though they have both now quit, and seem to be doing pretty well for old folk). Neither my husband nor I were ever smokers. We had really, really hoped none of our kids would smoke.
Once we found out our daughter was a smoker, we swore that while we couldn’t stop her, we would never do anything to help her smoke. At that point, we stopped giving her cash for occasions like her birthday or Christmas. Gift cards only. If she needed to borrow money to buy a particular thing, we’d either buy her that thing, or make her show us receipts proving that was what she’d used the money for.
Now, she’s unemployed. Her bf has a job, but only makes $7.00 an hour. They rent a room from us, for $450.00 a month (which includes some of their food and all utilities). In order to save money, she rolls her own cigarettes. She can’t buy the loose tobacco/rolling products anywhere in walking distance and she doesn’t drive. The closest place she could get the stuff cheap is about a 10-minute drive, in WV. She asked me this morning if I would drive her to WV this afternoon to buy rolling tubes, and I told her no. I can’t stop her from smoking, but I won’t help her smoke. But. . .she’s not asking me to pay for the stuff (though I’m sure she’d expect me to pick up the bill for the gas), and she is legal. I just don’t think it would be right for me to help her get smoking paraphernalia, but I just want some input on whether I’m being too hardassed about this.
Not at all. No reason you should support her habit of which you disapprove in even the tiniest way. I assume you don’t let her smoke in your house, do you?
Sounds like being unemployed would be a good time to give up an expensive (and unhealthy) habit.
You know how they say you should choose your battles? I think you chose a good one.
Now would be an excellent time for her to quit smoking. You don’t have to lecture her about that, you can just stick to your guns and tell her that you will not help her smoke in any way, shape or form–and that includes driving her anywhere to get smoking stuff.
I tell you what, once she quits for good, she’ll be very happy she did. And I say this as a smoker who only gave up for the cost and misses smoking (the habit) and sometimes stands by the smokers to catch a whiff.
ETA: Damn you, Dinsdale! How did you sneak in like that?
Yeah, you’re being too much of a hardass about this thing. Your daughter is an adult now. She knows you do not approve of smoking. At the same time, she’s in a tough spot, and probably needs the tobacco more than you can possibly understand. She’s an addict. I say go ahead and help her out with a ride, long as she pays for her own smokes.
Some people say it is easier to withdraw from heroin than it is to stop smoking. I’ve never done heroin, so I don’t know how hard that may be. I have been smoking for over 30 years. Multiple attempts to quit. Multiple failures. If you’re not a smoker, you can’t really understand what the addiction is like.
I don’t think so. Quite the opposite; helping her in this would make you something of an enabler in her self destructive behavior.
“Hardass” would be something like blackmailing her with a demand like “Stop smoking or you can’t rent from us and you and the boyfriend are on the street !”.
Hey Norine - Knowing what I do about your little angel, I’d say not bringing her to get smokes is a fine line to stand behind. She knows how you feel, she knows why she can’t drive, she knows the rules…and nicotine withdrawl won’t kill her. If she wants to smoke she has to figure out a legal way to do it without involving you. You can’t stop her from smoking, but on the same token you can’t be involved with enabling her either.
Are you a hardass? Yes, you are. Is that a bad thing? No, it gives structure to your relationship with your daughter and it gives stability in knowing that you won’t flip-flop on your decisions.
Does she have a new BF? Not the older dude? Does he drive?
Not too much of a hardass. It would be inappropriate (in my view) to refuse to drive her to someplace where she intended to buy a bunch of unobjectionable stuff and smoking supplies but if the primary purpose of the trip is to buy smoking supplies, I don’t think you need to agree to it.
Exactly. And adults need to plan for their futures and take care of themselves. Did someone steal her papers? Or did she just run out and now she’s looking for somene to run her around?
People who assist addicts in pursuing their addictions are called enablers. It’s a dirty label to bear.
I’m sure there’s some good reason why she doesn’t have a job, and no access to a car. How about a bicycle? Do y’all have a bike she can use?
My parents had a simple rule: while we lived under their roof there were house rules, and age didn’t mean a thing.
Good for you in sticking to your principles. But I would go one step further and insist that if she and boyfriend live under your roof, there will be no tobacco and tobacco products in the house. If she doesn’t like that (“I’m an adult!”) point her in the direction of the door and say, “House Rules. Your choice.”
I don’t think hard-assed or not is the question, she’s an adult and your not disciplining her anymore. It’s more about whether or not helping her get tobacco supplies is something you should do out of basic kindness for someone who is down on their luck.
Anyhow, I say no. Smoking is expensive, if you want to smoke then you have to be able to afford it, and that includes affording a way to get to WV to get supplies. It’s not something you should expect other people to subsidize (and driving her in the car you paid for and insure is subsidizing). You can ask, but it’s not something that any decent human being should help out with.
I wish more parents would be “hardasses”. You are doing the right thing here. If you told her it was a rule that you would not help her smoke in any way, then stick to it. If she needs smokes that bad, then she can walk down to the nearest store and get a regular pack. She wants you to spend your time and your gas so she can save a few cents by rolling her own? No way. She can either plan better or suck it up.
I’m a smoker and I don’t think you’re being too hard on her. My roommate is a smoker and he lost his license, and I don’t go out of my way to help him get cigs. He actually doesn’t ask me, either because he knows it’s his burden to bear.
Smoking is an adult decision, with adult consequences. If she wants to smoke she can do it by using her own adult resources which do not include you.
Haven’t read anyone else’s response but had to post. You are NOT being a hard ass. Or rather if you are, I was there first.
My older son was a smoker (he’s quit since thankfully). He shattered his ankle and I told him while I felt bad for him he still could not smoke in the house. So yeah I’m totally against enabling anyone else in that awful habit.
The point is not that you’re being a hard-ass, but that you don’t want to be involved in her activities. It’s not about punishing her; it’s about respecting you. You’re allowed to say you don’t want to participate, and she should understand that, especially given your family history.
