Seriously, I think a lot of people need to get out a pad of paper and write 500 times “Nothing about the neonatal adjustment period is about the feelings of the &#^!*( mother in law.”
On the hierarchy of needs in the neonatal time frame, mother in law ranks*** lower*** than household pets. (Because unlike MIL, pets live there and will need aid in adjusting to the change in their home.)
If MIL’s feelings are hurt because she’s not being given priority in a situation where she has no standing, then she has two choices: scratch her mad place and get glad and grow the hell up, or be a hurt cranky cow and mope as if she’s entitled to something she’s not.
Either way, her feelings? Are her own responsibility, no one else’s, and certainly not a brand new mother’s.
I just can’t believe that no one here thinks the OP should be bothered with a simple courtesy phone call/convo with the MIL. The husband can have The Talk and the OP can follow up. There’s nothing wrong about being an adult and dealing with people directly imho.
If I were close to my son (and hopefully I still will be) and I were planning a trip and my son said, “Sorry, Imma, _____ doesn’t want you here, just her own mother --” I would feel bad if _____ couldn’t talk to me herself. It sounds like the MIL here is getting a middle finger.
Diplomacy. Works wonders with in-laws. Husbands, too, especially if they think their mothers are getting the short end of the grandmother stick.
But it’s not the mom-to-be’s decision- it’s the dad and mom-to-be’s decision together. He’s not speaking to his mom for his wife. He’s speaking to his mom for them both. There is no offense from his wife if he’s expressing their mutual wants. Because there is a longstanding trust relationship between the son and his mom, it’s better to come from him.
Plus, he uniting with his wife by explicitly supporting her. Telling his mom that his wife (alone) doesn’t want her there is unfair to his wife and sets her up as the bad guy.
Well, I’d feel bad too if my son said that. The son should not say that. The son should say, “Spouse and I have talked it over and we feel it will be best for our family if you could come a little later.” That is, what IvoryTower said.
I don’t have a son, but if my (future) daughter’s husband were having a serious medical issue and I was innocently planning to visit to help out, not realizing that I would actually be making life harder for them, I would expect that my daughter would be much better at telling me so and framing things in a way that would make me understand, because a) she’s my daughter, and b) she’s known me for her entire life. Does that make sense?
I mean, I can think of pathological situations in which my son-in-law would be the right person to say it, but mostly I think I would be much more likely to get offended than if my daughter told me.
Well, that could be fine, although it depends a lot on the familial situation. My parents, for example, would be freaked out/offended if my husband tried to follow up on A Talk With Me. My husband’s parents would probably appreciate it, though.
Fair enough. I may have misread the OP. I thought the husband wasn’t happy about the situation and she made it sound like the MIL was on the Outside as an Outsider. There’s no way around it that the maternal mother is probably staying over and getting coo coo cuddles with new baby.
Not that it means she should let the MIL stay. I just felt like of sorry for her. MILs can be bitches but I think they still have feelings.
Please remember that all she’s talking about is staying the night, with a 15 year old boy in tow, sleeping on the couch. MIL can stay all day, but then give them a few hours at night. It’s not all or nothing. And the husband, once the decision was made, should back her up, not undermine her behind her back to his mom.
I mean, really? I think what’s actually happening here is that maternal mother gets to help the new mom pass blood clots and calm her desperate weeping.
Does MIL want to do that? Change bloody dressings? Wash and sanitize a few hundred shitty diapers? Be up at three in the AM consoling a hormonal wreck? I think no. I think MIL wants to cuddle the baby. I think unless she is actually up for the hard and not-so-glamorous work of helping the new mother she can damn well wait a week.
In my experience, the sort of person who becomes highly offended if a message is not communicated to them in the exact way they desire (if A says to me its ok, but if B says to me I am SO HURT), is usually the kind of person that generally makes themselves a needy pain in the ass when more important things are going on.
Is this a truly mutual decision, something they both want, or is it something she wants that he’s going along with to be supportive? Based on the OP, it sounds more like the second option.
I mean, let’s face it–if the husband is as close to his mom as the OP says, and the relationship between the OP and the MIL is as strained as later posts would imply, she’s the bad guy regardless. MIL isn’t going to believe that her darling son who is so very close to her doesn’t want her around when his child is born but does want all his in-laws; obviously it must be that horrible wife that hates her so dictating that she be barred and her son lie to her about the reason why. At that point, you might as well come out with it and get some tiny amount of credit for honesty.
I dunno, my MIL raised six kids, and after I gave birth, she behaved pretty much as Hello Again described. She didn’t demand to stay overnight at our place, but she announced that she would visit frequently in order to “help out.”
Things I needed help with: Laundry, making dinner, cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, changing diapers.
Things I got “help” with: Holding the baby.
I don’t begrudge my MIL for wanting to hold a cuddly newborn, but she really intruded on my space and my time under the guise of “helping out” and she didn’t help out one bit.
As far as being “fair” to the MIL from the OP, she’s the one who’s throwing a fit about not being allowed to be a houseguest in the home of people who have just had a newborn. That’s ridiculous, childish, and insensitive.
You’re the one who characterized it as obviously unfair because “the Maternal grandma gets to cuddle the baby!”
If that is indeed how MIL perceives the situation, that is
a)pathetic
b)self-involved
c)delusional
BTW, I am very sympathetic to this situation, because it is my parents who are the useless narcissist buttinskis. I don’t have children but my brother does. I support my SIL 100% in drawing whatever line in the sand she feels she needs.
If he agreed to the make the call, then he has agreed to be party to the decision. It is then inappropriate to characterize it as just her position. If he is agreeing to simply just support her, then being a team is what support looks like. Perhaps the relationship between op and MIL would improve if she wasn’t made to be the bad guy and the husband took his share of responsibility for the two of them. Pure speculation, but I’ve seen the damage this behavior can do.
I think it’s irrelevant whether or not the OP is being a bit selfish. Why does she have to be selfless? If there is one time to be a bit selfish, 2-3 days postnatal is it.
Honestly, any person who just announces that they will be taking up residence in someone else’s home on a specific date - oh, and they’re bring a guest - is completely out of line. Even if they’re family. Even if there’s a baby. Inviting yourself to stay somewhere as a house guest is so rude it registers on the Richter scale. Telling such a person to get a hotel room is not selfish, it’s the correct - and polite, even - response.
Uh, yeah. Even if I’m NOT having a baby or going through any sort of major life change, if someone just announces they’re coming to my house to stay for a week, they’re completely rude and out of line.
If I have something big and important going on? They can seriously go suck an egg.
Did I miss a post?