In 1998 I became pregnant with my third child. It was unexpected but we were happy about it. Everything about the pregnancy seemed normal, but in my seventh month, at a regular check-up, the doctors could not find a heart beat. After 18 hours of labor I delivered a stillborn baby boy that we named Zachary.
The doctors told us we could try again and in 5 months, we were pregnant again. At six months the baby died and again after induced labor I gave birth to another boy, his name was Matthew.
Only about a year later, a friend of mine had a boy and decided to name him Matthew. It hurt me, but I said nothing because I didn’t want to upset her.
Now my best friend is expecting a baby, if she has a boy she is thinking of naming it Zachary. It just tears me up.
Should I say something to her about it ? or am I being too sensitive about it ? I’m afraid of losing our friendship if I mention it to her.
But I do think you’re being too sensitive about the name issue–though of course I don’t blame you. It seems like you still have some grief feelings to work through. Is there anyone you could talk to, like a counselor or clergyperson?
If I were you, I would find a very tactful way to bring the topic up, avoiding being offensive at all. And if she chooses to continue with the name Zachary, it is her choice to do so. But I think it’s only fair, if she is your best friend, that you let her know what this name means to you.
Does it still hurt you, the friend’s baby that is named Matthew? If so, you may feel better for saying something along the lines of “It hurts me that you’re thinking of naming the baby Zachary because…”
My sympathy on your loss. I have a friend who also has lost a couple of babies, and I could tell it hurt her very badly. It frustrated me that I didn’t know what to say/do to make her feel better.
I think you may be just a tad too sensitive about this even though I completely understand where you’re coming from. But, your friends are entitled to name their baby whatever they want. They probably aren’t even thinking of how the names they’ve chosen may be hurtful to you. (or else they’re fully aware of it and are really inconsiderate and don’t deserve to be your friend… more than likely it’s the former.)
My SO’s sister gave birth to a 7 month stillborn baby girl about 5 1/2 years ago (this was before my SO and I had even met) and she named her Briana. Well, my SO was telling his sister about me and he told her that I have a daughter named Briana and he wanted to make sure she was OK with that and that it wouldn’t be too hard to her to be around us even though it had been 3 years since she lost the baby. During our first couple of meetings I saw her kind of looking wistfully at my daughter and I’m sure she was thinking about her own Briana and I’m sure it hurt her in some way but she never said anything about it. She gets along great with my daughter though and I’m glad about that.
There’s always going to be little boys out there with the same names as your boys and there’s nothing you can do about it. I don’t think I would even say anything to my friend about it but that’s just me. If you’re losing sleep over it you may want to talk to her and you may want to see a counselor and try to work through your grief if you’re having a hard time doing so.
I am so sorry for your loss. Matthew and Zachary are both beautiful names and very popular ones among new parents nowadays, too (Zachary is my son’s middle name, as it happens). I think it’s not unexpected that others would choose it. It’s a compliment to your tastes, I think.
That said, I can understand why you’d feel upset at times. I don’t think you’re being oversensitive, as your feelings are genuine and real and a part of your grief. No one can tell you how to feel.
However, I am not sure that I think you should share these feelings with your friends in an effort to get them to change their choice. Naming a baby is such an intense process (as you know), and they may have already put a lot of thought into their choice. I know I resented it when people disagreed with our choices. I think that this might be a piece of your grief that you need to work out without discussing it with these particular friends. As someone else said, perhaps a clergyman or counselor? Or a parent grief support group? I’ll bet there are other parents who have faced the same thing (I know after my aunt Kristina died, my Grandmother suffered all over again anytime she heard the name) and they could be a help to you in giving you a safe place to accept your feelings.
What would be nice is to get to a place where hearing those names (which you’ll hear a lot of) aren’t too painful.
Did you make a babybook for Zachary or Matthew? My friend did that when she lost her son at 7 months gestation. I suppose some people would find that macabre, but it helped a lot. She put in a lot of her own writing and all the messages of support she got when it happened.
I don’t think it’s a question of your being too sensitive. It hurts. You lost two children. I don’t think your friends have even thought along those lines at all. They just liked the names. And to view it from another angle, it could be an honor and in memory of your children that you lost that your friends share that bond with you. We wouldn’t have many names to use if we couldn’t use the names of people that have gone on before us. Losing children is the hardest thing to do because we have so many hopes and dreams for them. Maybe sometime down the road you can look at your friends’ children, the ones with the name you picked for your children, and smile.
