My niece recently had a miscarriage. She’d been having various difficulties and was carefully following doctor’s orders, but things did not work out and at about 4 months she lost the baby.
She seems to be handling this reasonably well, though it obviously a blow to her. She has had lots of support from family and friends, but two of her friends had what seems to me to be a rather strange take on this. They told her that she is making a mistake to grieve and in any way take this as an emotional event. Doing so, they explain, plays into the hands of pro-lifers, because it treats a 4-month-old fetus as something worthy of grief and emotion. Her duty, they feel, is to brush this off as a minor medical event and move on.
IANAFemale, but if I was (and heck, even as a man, when my future wife gets pregnant), I believe that once you know you have a baby inside you, one way or another you start planning.
If you’re planning to keep the baby (which seems like the case here since your post didn’t mention otherwise), four months is a long time to plan for a future life with a child and then all of a sudden have all that taken away from you. Added to that is all of the absolutely normal (at least, normal as far as I’m aware of) worrying that “I could have done something to make it happen” or “Is there something wrong with me?” grieving that happens.
In short, I think the niece has a lot going on in her life right now and doesn’t really need these “friends” complicating matters. They should lay off.
These friends should go take a flying leap. Or a long walk off a short pier. Or fall in a hole. Man! This is really one of those times I would like to feel comfortable swearing. This is not a political event. This is the loss of a baby. Telling the mother she should not grieve because it doesn’t suit their political necessities is cruel and insensitive, to say the least. Refusing to recognize the mother’s need to mourn the loss of an obviously wanted child is so screwed up I can’t even put it into words. Somebody needs to protect her from these idiots.
That’s not sympathy – it’s the exact opposite of sympathy. Using someone else’s deep personal loss as a means to forward your own political agenda? Disgusting. She would be well to be rid of these “friends.”
I am staunchly pro-choice, as are most of my friends. I’ve had two miscarriages and would have been shocked had anyone made such a statement. That is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard.
FYI: I think that in most cases, abortion should be a legal, available option for women.
That being said, I have this to say about the women mentioned in the OP: HUH?
Being a pro-choicer shouldn’t preclude a woman who loses a fetus from mourning the child-to-be whom she wanted to bring into the world. The alleged “friends”’ insistence that mourning the loss of her own child-to-be (whose arrival she’d been anticipating for weeks) equals shirking her duty to fend off pro-lifers is truly bizarre; I can’t get my brain around it. When would sadness become appropriate? If she gave birth to a child who was stillborn? If one’s infant died? And who are these pro-lifers into whose agenda your niece is supposedly supporting? Do these “friends” think she’s grieving in front of pro-life politicians?
I’m honestly angered for your niece; no one should have to endure preachiness about what one “should feel”, particularly when one has suffered a loss. Should people voice concern if the mourning seems to be vastly out of proportion to the sad event? Yes, perhaps. People should NEVER tell others what they *should * be feeling, what it’s most logical to feel, what feelings would best serve the group. Feh.
I am pro-choice but I would NEVER imply that it wasn’t a baby anyway so you should not grieve. Everyone goes through their own grieving process, whether it is a miscarriage or any other kind of loss. A real friend gives a hug, brings food, offers to listen, or does anything else that is needed.
I have, unfortunately, said the wrong thing a few times in this situation, trying to say the right thing. The most recent was a friend who had a daughter of about 15 months when she had a miscarriage. What I said was in reference to the fact that her sister-in-law had a miscarriage about a year and a half earlier with her first pregnancy, so had no baby at all. (Happily, she had a healthy baby last June.) I said, “I’m so glad you have Maggie.” I meant, at least you have a sweet little girl and that should help you through it. Was it a bad thing to say? I’m not sure. I should have just hugged her and cried a little.
I’ve never had a miscarriage so I have no idea what it feels like, but even if it happens early on it must be so disappointing and sad.
Jeez…what kind of jerk would say that to anyone who’s obviously grieving over a personal loss—whatever that loss may be? If nothing else, that breaches just simple politeness.
And yes, I’m pro-choice myself. And your poor niece obviously had chosen to have her baby.
Her friends are idiots. I assume they were making a misguided attempt to lessen the blow or something, but they make no sense and are insensitive to boot. People who can’t tell the difference between the termination of an unwanted pregnancy and the loss of a wanted and anticipated pregnancy have got some serious problems.
As another fiercly pro-choice female, I agree that her friends were WAY out of line. From the moment that a woman finds out she’s pregnant and decides to keep the baby, it becomes a very real and loved child to that woman. You begin planning and hoping and wondering what it will be like and which words it’ll say first, etc etc.
Good grief. You’d think these young women would realize that half of being pro-choice is supporting a womans choice -to- have a child. By miscarrying, her choice was essentially taken away.
Women like these give pro-lifer’s just cause to throw labels like “pro-abortion” and “anti-life” our way. What a horrible embarrassment to the cause. Grr.
As for you and your neice, you have all of my sympathy. My sister is less than two months along and I know that it would devastate her and her husband to lose their very wanted child. I wouldn’t dream of asking her to feel otherwise.
What a horrible support network her “friends” have shown themselves to be.
