I can’t tell you whether time would eventually help the two of you reconnect. I can tell you that her actions are hurting your children, and that she is not being the mother they need. They are hurting the family unit as a whole.
I do think it’s rational to expect your spouse to support your children. I think failure to parent after this long a time is the definition of irreconcilable differences.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Strength to you and the kids.
I’m not sure I understand why she doesn’t want to get divorced or what she thinks staying together will do. But no, you’re not delusional for wanting things to be settled and defined rather than in a constant state of flux.
Best of luck to you and your daughters.
No you’re not delusional; my wife and I are going through something vaguely similar in terms of her running off and doing stupid shit, but still wanting to stay married.
It seems nutty to me that she’s done what she has and has any kind of belief that another person would want to stay married to her… but in my case I’m quite sure she wants to keep the title and legal securities, rather than the actual relationship. So it’s her that’s actually delusional, but in these types of stressful experiences you tend to start doubting yourself if things don’t unfold the way you think they ought to if everyone were thinking clearly.
But you need to go by her track record and not hope. Nothing will turn around for the better and yes you both need to move on. I’d think of it more as transitioning the relationship into something more stable rather than ending it outright or getting out of each other’s lives.
Dang. I mean, I get grieving over the loss of expected outcomes but one does expect that eventually others will get on board and accept reality. When they don’t, it’s jarring and unpleasant to be around. If it was my life, I’d tell CW to bugger off down the road and go on to make a good life for myself and my kids without her stupidy ass drama queen bullshit. Because being gay is worse than death? Fuck that shit.
In my experience, it’s not uncommon for rational people to question their own sanity after dealing with a spouse with certain forms of mental illness. You spend enough time in their world, and you start questioning your own healthy sense of reality.
China Wife abandoned her children (whatever their ages and despite the younger one’s autism) for 2+ years with zero contact. I’m not judging her for this. Maybe she was completely and utterly unable to parent anyone or even write them. But it IS a measure of how very ill she must be. My hunch is your daughter and your marriage were structures your STBX used to try to keep her mental health issues contained. Losing those would be more than a matter of grief: it’s a threat to the integrity of self. I certainly hope she’s getting more help than anti-depressants can provide.
You cannot fix her, but you can help your children recognize (not unsympathetically) and deal with their mother’s behavior. I can only imagine how difficult it was for China Bambina to come out and have her mother fall apart.
This, this, this.
appreciate the well wishes. I have three kids to protect. Eldest is now gender fluid non-bianary, middle child is trans, and youngest is on the autism spectrum but remains cis-gendered (as far as I know). I believe I can protect them best by having at least 50% custody so there is a safe haven part of the time. I’m hoping for China wife to move back to China and I get the kids 100%.
I think I am going to agree to withdraw the divorce in return for China Wife going back to China for 3 months. Then I will refile. She wants me to prove I can handle the almost 15 year old twins myself. Then when she returns, we have the hard talk if she wants to stay in the area or move back to china. If in the area, 50-50 custody. If in China, I take 100% custody. We’ve been married 25 years. To live with my own conscience, I’m going to offer this last opportunity to at least come back and try to reestablish a healthy relationship with our kids.
I see virtually zero chance that the two of us can reconcile. China Wife will have to admit that she is fundamentally wrong, needs to embrace all of her kids without preconditions. I’m highly skeptical we can find a way to be a couple or stay married. She’s going to have to gain clarity and then make major changes, and I just don’t see a realistic way she can do that.
A couple of clarifications. China Bambina is 19 and a sophomore at a university in LA. She had a very rough patch in the spring after figuring out her mother won’t accept the situation.
China Wife and I want to one counseling session 3 years ago, and afterwards she said “I’m never going to do another counseling. It’s useless.”
China Wife was gone 25% of the time for a two year period. Usually 3-4 weeks. When gone, she never reached out to her kids. Hell, she doesn’t speak regularly with our eldest at University.
You might have missed a separate thread, but my eldest twin came out as trans 3 days before starting high school. I’m incredibly proud of how he’s been handling it, and seems to be going as well as such a large change can go in high school. Mom knows but is ignoring it or in denial. Her family doesn’t know.
Weird thing to me. Conceptually, Chinese get the “born in the wrong body.” The epic Journey to the West has a human in a pig body. When eldest came out, my wife said she got “born in the wrong body” but simply can’t accept “born this way.” Well, now she’s got both.
This puzzles me… she arbitrarily disappeared several times for a month at a time, during which you took care of the kids by yourself… yet you need to prove you can take care of the kids by yourself? Seems to me it’s her that needs to prove she can be stable and take care of the kids without flaking out and walking away. You have nothing to prove… and who are you to prove this to/why?
So I’m missing what the point of the 3-month delay is… it’s pretty much already written that you two will divorce and separate. What will happen in 3 months? She’s had years to think about what she wants and she’s already shown you. I’m going through the same experience and though in a different country I think the legal timelines are similar. There are weeks or months between legal steps in the process during which either of you can change direction. I wouldn’t wait to start things. Until there are documents submitted and things get real she may just keep playing this game with you.
Been there and heard the same thing. During my experience I’ve read up on mental illness and come to some quite clear conclusions as to what’s going on with my wife. I have no idea about your wife but there are some explanations to be found and even treatment available for people along those lines.
As for your own well being what was strongly suggested for me was to see a councillor yourself, to help give you a reality check on what’s healthy and not in a relationship and strategies to get yourself into a better place. I kind of shrugged the idea off as unnecessary at first but found it really did help. When you’re with someone who’s a bit off for years you can’t help but to start thinking a bit sideways yourself. Having an outside opinion can be very helpful.
I realize you’re not asking for the kind of stuff I’m saying but your post just caught my eye as similar to my current life so I thought I’d throw out a few observations.
I think everyone here has given you lots great of food for thought -
I’d add in a dose of divorce reality which may or may not be applicable: finances.
I have a friend in a similar situation with his wife - she walked out on him after many years of doing weird shit. Prior to that they’d agreed that it wasn’t working and they’d eventually split, but “for the sake of the kid” and her own mental health, she asked to stay together.
He did the noble thing and supported her for about 10 years as she worked through various “issues”. She took sabbaticals from her well paying health care job for her mental health, went part-time to take care of their child (which she didn’t) and again to take care of her parents. Like your wife, she also abandoned him and their child for various periods while she went to “find herself” (she’s still lost).
All that dramatically impacted her pension, meanwhile his income has steadily risen through hard work and various job promotions etc.
In our area she’s entitled to 50% of all accumulated assets, which includes half his pension, investments etc. To follow his original non-extravagant retirement plan he’ll now have to work until he’s well into his 70’s, which can’t happen at his current job. So in reality, his retirement will be much poorer than he’d ever expected and he’ll be a greeter at Walmart.
Bottom line is that he’s now very regretful that he did “the right thing” to support her mentally (when they both knew it would end).
His advice to his younger self and anyone else in the same position is to end it as soon as you know it’s over. If you still want to support your spouse financially or morally or however, do it afterward as a “nice person”. Otherwise you have this potential financial albatross around your neck forever.
I can understand wanting to give her one more chance. 25 years is nothing to be dismissed lightly. Does un-filing and then re-filing make the divorce more difficult logistically or legally? If not, then if it helps you to make the gesture, you should. (I imagine you’re doing this, but definitely ask an attorney for the legal implications.)
Please think about the 50-50 custody situation. It sounds like it could be harmful to your children. Perhaps it would be good to talk with their psychologists/psychiatrists/etc for their assessment . If she cannot accept the children for the people that they are, perhaps she should have visitation only.
I don’t know if I have specifically mentioned this before, but your threads have been valuable to me over the years. Our kids have some similarities. I’ve learned from what you shared, and I think it’s helped my kids as well.
Wishing you peace and strength.
Hugs to you and yours, China Guy. This is tough under the best of circumstances, but all of this together? Yikes.
I haven’t seen PFLAG mentioned in this thread. You might want to check them out.
Unfortunately, in Washington State, the default is 50-50, and need compelling reasons for why it would be otherwise if both parents want custody. I think 50-50 is better for my kids than us pretending to be married for the sake of the kids.
I’m hoping China Wife goes to Shanghai and only comes back to wind up things before moving back to China.
PFLAG are fine and there is a group nearby. China Wife went once, and it was a disaster (she walked out crying after about 10 minutes and that was that).
I’ve connected with Genderdiversity.org and have appointments on the books with the children’s hospital gender clinic starting in January. Also have a different private clinic set up sometime in Nov for a first doctor visit to learn about medical issues (stopping periods is a priority, it’s most likely too late for puberty blockers, and tons more stuff I’m completely ignorant about).
Yep, finances are going to suck. This blows up much of my retirement. While not destitute, I certainly don’t have fuck you money. My kids should ultimately benefit from assets in China. I guess the good news is China Wife has already blown all the money that she controlled, so she can’t lose more of that.
Good advice and food for thoughts all. Waiting a couple of months so I can sleep with a clear conscience for the rest of my days is something I can live with. There does not seem to be a legal risk by doing so.
Great jumping Christ on a cracker, from where I sit there’s an overflowing abundance of “compelling reasons” that a woman who mentally breaks for multiple years over her child’s coming out should not have even partial custody of that same child.
I tend to agree with you, but its difficult to prove. The eldest is off at University, so that doesn’t apply.
China wife has major clashes with middle kid “you must respect me as a dutiful daughter to you mother.” Vs “just because you have a vagina doesn’t mean I have to respect you.”
Throw on middle child as trans, which Mom knows sorta. “Is kidlet a boy or a girl.?” “Kidlet is being a teenager”. I won’t out our child unless he wants me to.
So, I’m encouraging the 3 month trial run back in Shanghai where she has tons of relatives, friends and boyfriends. If she is in China, then she doesn’t need to pay child support. In the US, the court will require she get a job and contribute to the kids financially, Plus, she’s always been passive aggressive about the US and has a romanticized view on what life in China was like (that fades after she is back in Shanghai for a month).
I gut feel is she doesn’t want to be divorced, have a split household, and trade off the kids weekly, but would rather be back in Shanghai.
If she does stay in China, wouldn’t you get sole physical custody? It’s not like China Kids could stay with her every other weekend. IANAL, but I’m pretty sure courts don’t grant 50/50 custody if one parent lives 6,000 miles away.
I get it that 50/50 custody is better than a bad marriage, but it does mean your middle child is going to be miserable 50% of the time, right? I certainly would think China Wife’s past record plus issues with gender would weigh on a judge’s custody decision, especially here in Washington state (if you live in western WA).
Are you thinking she’s going to come around to the idea of divorce in a few months? What if she wants to stay married but separated (by an ocean)? If she continues to refuse divorce or if she can’t be served (because she’s in China), you know you can still get a divorce by default here in Washington state, right? You don’t have to tiptoe around her.
If I were you, I’d research attorneys and go to an initial consultation now, well before you plan to file. You may find you should ask for full physical and legal custody.
Is CW making any effort to pull herself back into reality? Or is she continually reinforcing her grief by fixating* on it, indulging in an ongoing wallow?
Is she visiting any of this upon CBambinx?
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*autocorrect suggested “fisting” as a preferable word choice. What the actual
“Projection” was Freud’s greatest insight.
Can you expound?
50/50 custody can work out to your advantage CG as the kids can often choose who they want to stay with by age 13 or so (may vary by state). But waiting three months isn’t a lot of time. But don’t wait longer than that.
IMO, Beckdawrek has made an awesome point about grieving, but CW is being very selfish in projecting so much on her children. Not uncommon, but sometimes not forgivable if she can’t get over her burst dreams. She’s damaging a lot of lives with that behavior.
Take a look at his responses in the thread below about a Chinese toddler that was run over in the street and left for dead. He’s convinced that the video must be an elaborate hoax, because as we all know China is a wonderful place where girl babies are so prized that this sort of thing could never ever happen.