Okay, trying not to spin this. China Wife and I are toward the end of the divorce process in the US.
One big factor. My eldest, came out as lesbian nearly 4 years ago.
China Wife seems to think she is the victim of being outed. That China Wife’s hopes and dreams were projected onto our eldest child (youngest being on the autism spectrum and likely will never be independent), and that is all broken and life is horrible. Somehow being a lesbian (actually, now is gender neutral, non binary), makes my wife a victim. Our child can legally marry in the US, and with sperm donors the rest isn’t impossible. But it’s an almost life ending event for China Wife.
Post outing by China Bambina to her parents, China Wife went back on anti-depressants, spent 25% of her time in China for 2+ years (never contacting her kids once when out of country), did some really stupid shit I will spare the readers of wading thru, and fast forward to today. Erstwhile wife and I need to agree tomorrow on the divorce terms, or push it out a few months.
China wife doesn’t want to get divorced. I’m very much in the camp of, it’s been almost 4 years since our child came out, get the fuck over it or get out of our lives.
No you are not insane.
Your wife is in a grief process. She needs to grieve at her own speed. Everyones grief is different.
I don’t know about the divorce process, if you want out just do it. It will add to her struggle. But if you’re worried about your own mental health you have to go through with it.
I wish you peace.
Obviously IMHO.
You are not insane. Just stuck in a bad position for now. Yes she needs to get over it, but I am not in her shoes. My personal life didn’t turn out they way I had hoped but I rolled with the punches and adapted (adopted). I hope CW can move on too.
I think Beckdawrek has it, but I would just add one thing. What you want is for your wife to “get the fuck over it or get out of our lives”. But she will never be out of your children’s lives; she is their mother. Consequently you may be expecting more of this divorce than it can deliver; it will radically change the relationship between your wife and you, but it will not fundamentally change the relationship between your wife and her children.
As Beckdawrek points out, the divorce will not make your wife’s burden of grief any less, nor make it easier for her to deal with it. And if your wife’s grief is adversely affecting your children, the divorce won’t necessarily help that, and it could make it worse.
If you’re doing this for the sake of your own mental health, that’s one thing. But if you’re doing it for the sake of your children, that’s quite another. Don’t have unrealistic expectations, and think hard about how this will play out for them, because it seems to me it could affect them negatively.
go through with it and send her packing otherwise shell have you on a never-ending hook…my uncle is involved with a woman like this … Sure shell take her meds and be the like but then eventually shell go off the rails disappear for months then when whatever else she’s doing falls apart and she takes her meds again and expects you to fix whatever she did
in my uncles case it was have a baby by one bum she seen for a week and marry another who tried to steal every dime he could get ahold of and after having another mental break the county took her kid and she lost her house … and then showed up on my uncles doorstep saying she was sober but needed help …he finally slammed the door in hr face and she hasn’t been back but he wonders if hed of just married her …
I object to the word ‘grief’. The wife has selfishly loaded the burden of her own happiness and ambitions onto her child, and didn’t get what she wanted. That attitude alone would drive me to divorce. The utter selfishness is revolting.
My sympathies as well. Also something to consider is what the impact will be on your youngest, and what her level of understanding is of what is going on.
Is this a custody issue? Because apart from that, there is really nothing you can (or should IMO) do to control how much or how little China Wife is involved in your children’s lives. Especially if she doesn’t want to get divorced and you do. Obviously there is more to it than “either accept that our oldest is non-binary and gender neutral or I am leaving”, or at least there will be when custody gets discussed.
But no, I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you are undergoing a very, very stressful event, with no easy outcomes.
As do I. Her child is not dead. The only thing that died is the imaginary child she created in her own head.
The only think I can imagine China Guy is insane about is thinking (even remotely) that Wife is going to ‘get over it’ after 4 years of acting the way she has been. I’m not seeing that in the cards.
If you and her haven’t tried therapy, it might be useful before deciding to pull the plug. It might not, too, and that would leave you where you are now. Your wife’s issue with your daughter’s news is, imo, a problem with her perspective, how she looks at this. That is possible to adjust. In any case, I wish you and yours well.
I’ve grieved for the truly untimely loss of my sister, the deaths of my mother and father (who each died at a more “acceptable” age than my sister did), all before the age of 40.
I’m also in the midst of a divorce. What I feel about the unexpected break down of my marriage is definitely grief. I am intimately familiar with the feeling and the process.
So yes, CW is experiencing grief. Is she grieving something logical/reasonable? Probably not, but it’s still grief, and is commingled now with the dissolution of her marriage.
Grieving doesn’t excuse her for acting out, being a complete tool, etc.
She needs to figure out how to process it in a healthy way so that she can not hurt the people around her, and get past it.
That CW pinned her entire hopes and dreams on her children’s lives is unfair and unhealthy. I can’t really express how much it repulses me when parents do this. Getting away from that kind of unstable personality is a good thing. CW needs to figure out how to live her own life first.
It really is grief. Whether its due to her own selfish wishes or actual the loss of the child she thought she had. It’s grief over a failed marriage. These are real things, rational or not.
If CW is suffering mental health issues, as well, that just piles on top.
The OP has to deal with his own grief and emotional state plus that of the children. It’s gonna be a long road. I’d say probably for the next few years it’s gonna be rough.
Man, oh man. Good luck CG. Vent when you need to. I, for one will listen.
God yes. The OP was giving me flashbacks to some of the worst episodes by Mother Dear and The Bad SiL, they who should have been each other’s mother and daughter because they’re more akin than the actual biological pairs. Both of them reject(ed) those of their children who didn’t come out of the womb exactly as planned (sorry Mom, nobody had warned me I was supposed to be a blonde, blue-eyed boy); their grief and anger were/are real but so is the fact that they’re bananananas.
I wish you and the bambinas the best for the future, but ChinaWife is likely to take decades to reach peace and when she does the trigger may be something which doesn’t seem to have anything to do with what you would expect. Lots of herbal tea may be a good idea. For your nerves, I mean; not that much you can do about hers really.