I have a tendancy to tell the truth all the time, although I do try to make it funny and I try not to hurt people’s feelings. I think this comes from about 35 years of suppressing myself completely because I had to be “nice.” So now I’m not so nice.
Many people say that the love my candor and my sense of humor.
So the one guy I work with, who is the choir director, actually refers to me as being mean. He, on the other hand, is the “golden boy.” (This is what I call him behind his back.)
At Christmas-time the church secretary, a French horn player, got together with four of her friends to play Christmas carols before the church service. They played for 10-15 minutes and it was really great. Most of them are school band directors. Not as good as the Cleveland Orchestra, but pretty good players. So during the announcements the choir director thanked them and refered to them as the “Salvation Army Band.” The secretary gave him the finger behind her music stand.
But he had a smile on his face! And it was a good-natured joke! Because he is the Golden Boy!
I’ve met a few people who say vicious things, hurtful things, and then justify it by saying “honesty is the best policy”. Not so. They just use that as a license to be jerks. Sometimes silence is the best policy. Sometimes diplomacy is the only right thing.
Question - “Does my butt look fat?”
Honest answer - “Yes, we can show movies on it.”
Smart answer - “No, you look great.”
Question - “Should I retire now that I have the time in?”
Honest answer - “Yes, you’re a useless, loud, obnoxious pain in the ass and everybody says so.”
Smart answer - “Yes, you worked hard all you life and earned it.”
Is the first choice the truth? Could be. Does it accomplish anything positive? I doubt it.
The scenario you describe doesn’t really seem to fall into the category of “mean” if he thought he was being funny, but you really don’t give enough context to make any meaningful determination about your question.
Personally, with respect to the “I can’t lie” excuse, I find that people (especially women) adhering to this “I have a tendency to tell the truth all the time,” style of interaction, mainly use this as a passive-aggressive excuse to be emotionally abusive brutes or flaming assholes, or alternatively to explain or cover up an a near autistic inabilty to pick up social cues.
Bring “nice” even if it involves actively avoiding the naked, sandblasted “truth” of a situation, costs nothing and avoids hurt feelings.
As several people have said, without knowing some examples of your humorous comments, and without knowing more about the choir director’s social savvy, it’s impossible to judge your meanness or his.
And as several people have said – the opposite of “nice” isn’t “honest,” necessarily. As my mother (okay, everyone’s mother) used to say – if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. This is actually good advice. I’m generally a fairly honest person – but this doesn’t mean I run around telling people exactly what I think of them – and I definitely don’t run around tagging people with derisive nicknames behind their backs.
You say you try not to hurt people’s feelings, so I’d say if your efforts are successful then you’re not mean. And since people seem to generally laugh, I’d have to guess that your efforts are successful more often than not. This other guy–I wouldn’t say he’s mean based on that one crack. I’d say he’s not nearly as good at reading the room re: sense of humor, though, since the secretary didn’t appear to be amused by his little joke. Or maybe the finger was a joke, too. I don’t know enough about their relationship to make any sort of assessment.
The women at work and I have the sort of relationships where we could say things like SteveG1’s honest answers and all of us think it was just hilarious. Then we flip each other off, or kick each other in the butt, or whatever, and we all think that’s just hilarious, too.
I don’t know either of you, so I can’t judge your meanness based on the bits of infomation you’ve given. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, however. Is it possible that the choir director’s “Salvation Army band” comment was based on the “salvation” part (playing in church) and was not intended as a slur on the musicians’ talent?
As for you, you have some issues with this guy, for whatever reasons.
Also, if even one person told me I was mean, I would take a serious look at myself and consider if my behavior was causing me to be perceived in an unintended way.
When I feel like stating a truth that could be hurtful, I’ve learned to ask myself, “Is it necessary for me to say anything?”
If not, I keep silent.
Oh, you’re right, I didn’t give enough information at all.
The secretary had suggested that he choose some Christmas carols to sing that day that the brass could play along with. Then he chose hymns that could not be enhanced by brass. Then that morning he said, “Oh, we should have you play along on the hymns.” He didn’t really want them there at all because it wasn’t his idea.
When he needs instrumentalists he never asks the secretary, who knows a lot of musicians in the area. He finds them himself.
When he comes into my office he always has to make a negative comment about whatever I’m listening to on my CD player. So if he’s in the building I censor my listening choices because I don’t want to him him come in my office and make a gagging noise. I know, I should just tell him to mind his own business on that. We like a lot of the same stuff but then our tastes diverge pretty strongly.
When we do an anthem that is based on a spiritual or gospel-type thing he always makes a joke about how I (the organist/pianist) am going to be out of my comfort zone and that I don’t like playing that kind of music. That is partially true–I like the music but I am not good at playing it authentically. He is really the one who is uncomfortable about it so he jokes with the choir about singing like white people (which we are, except for two people). So he puts me on the spot and I can’t blast him back in front of the choir becuase it would be inappropriate. He likes to embarrass me in front of the choir. But it is always a joke and he always gets away with it because I let him.
He says and does things that make me look like a putz and he always comes out shining.
I guess this is too complicated to explain and I shouldn’t have brought it up.
I guess what I mean about myself being honest is something like this: We’ll be at a staff meeting and we are going around and around about something and everyone knows the truth but no one has the guts to put it on the table. So sometimes I put it on the table so we can get to the point of the problem and deal with it.
What you need to do is learn the wanh-wanh-wanh-wanhhhhh that signifies a failed joke (usually played on trumpet), and the next time he does the “you sing like white people” thing, go for it. I don’t know if it’d be appropriate, but it would definitely get a laugh.
Yup, the additional information changes the story significantly.
It sounds like he’s a passive-aggressive jerk. You may want to consider confronting him on some of his stuff – use your powers of honesty for good, and not for evil! For instance, when he makes a remark about your music, say something like “I’m aware that you and I don’t always enjoy the same kind of music – good thing we don’t share an office, eh?” Or you could make a joke of it – start writing down an actual list of things he doesn’t like, and ostentatiously take it out and add to it whenever he makes a remark.
And yeah, the “could we cut to the chase” thing in meetings – og bless your for it. Another example of using your powers for good!
With the added information, it is clear that this guy is an asshole. An annoying, arrogant, controlling asshole. I have an idea - it’s a conspiracy thing. Get everyone online with this.
Every time he makes a joke, nobody is to laugh or even say anything. Instead, everyone is to give him the vacant “I don’t get it” look.
When he makes remarks about your music, you can play deaf “Can’t hear you, music’s too loud”, offer to let him pay for your CDs if he feels your choices are bad, or get something really awful. Imagine the horror of hearing “It’s A Small World After All” every day, all day, or the Quiznos things singing “I Like The Moon”.
If he ever pulls the stunt again, sneaking someone The Finger, act all shocked and upset and call him on it, preferrably with a lot of onlookers. Give him all the unwanted attention he can get. Have others do the same thing, in case you miss a chance.
If he criticizes your ability to play music (comfort zone) you can either go into a four hour Inna Gadda Davita, or you can act very very hurt, tell him you are sorry for inflicting yourself on him and make a big show of “quitting”.
If everyone has the stomach for it, you can do a Final Strike - Everybody gets up and walks out en masse. When the higher ups ask why, let 'em have it with both barrels.
I was in a band once. The “leader” started to go on a power trip. One day he got too bossy to take and snidely said “Are you doing me a favor?”. I answered “Yes I am, I don’t really need the gig or the money, you do”. He caught my meaning and backed off fast. The point being, jerks continue to be jerks only as long as they get away with it.
Eh, it’s really hard to say. My gut reaction is you are somewhat mean and probably are one of those people who does fine in crowds that are playfully abrasive but probably really hurt feelings or upset people when they aren’t used to that kind of thing. There’s certain people I know really well and I know they can take a joke, so I will poke fun at them playfully. For people I do not know intimately to do that could range from rude to cruel (for example some heavy friends may not care if you make light of their size, but if you don’t know someone very well such a comment could be extremely emotionally damaging.)
As for the band director, he’s not here to defend himself so I don’t really know exactly what he is. People that give nicknames like “the Golden Boy” tend to be fairly immature so it makes it difficult for me to accept a one sided account of his behavior from you with complete candor.
Don’t let him pull the remarks about your music. Your music tastes are excellent, because you like what you like. That makes whatever you like to be excellent. Seriously.
I have been known to listen to cheezy polka music, along with some other bizarro (and not so bizarro) stuff. It is excellent, because I say it is. Now, I don’t wish to inflict anything on other people if they don’t want to hear it (just like I don’t want to listen to what they like, because I may not like it personally), but if they are passing by—hey, they can just deal with it, as long as it’s not ear-splittingly loud.
This guy is a jerk if he’s making snide remarks about your favorite type of music. It’s none of his business. What is this, high school? Who gives a shit what kind of music you listen to? If you like it, it means it is good, for you, and his opinion is unwelcome and unwarranted.
I find this strict musical relativism to be a bit disturbing. I think that sure it is okay for someone to listen to music they like whatever it may be. But to make claims that say we can’t have any societally accepted definition of what’s “really classic/great music” and “generally bad music” is hogwash.
Oh, we can discuss music theory, read and discuss music reviews, and so forth. There’s a time and place for such discussions. But nobody needs to hear unsolicited shit from some jerk who is passing through. As far as I am concerned, whatever I am listening to in my own “space” is incredibly awesome and of impeccable taste, and I believe the OP should feel the same way (and everyone else here too). When you are in your own domain, whatever you like is good enough, and you don’t need to tolerate unsolicited opinions—especially ones of a snide nature. And you especially shouldn’t feel uncomfortable playing whatever you enjoy, because you are bracing for Mr. Asshole Music Critic, who can’t resist making rude comments as he passes through.
I had enough of the “What radio station do you listen to?” and “What are your favorite bands?” litmus test that I experienced in high school. I’m guessing the OP and most others have had enough of that as well. We need to move past that and learn to tolerate each others’ musical tastes without being rude assholes, (providing that nobody’s trying to inflict their music on others for hours at a stretch).
If you just wanted rant space you should have said so. As I said before, I could care less what people listen to privately but we still need to accept that there is at least a general societal impression of “good” and “bad.”
And no, you shouldn’t think every single piece of crap you play in your office is “extremely awesome.” Does anyone realistically live like that? I’ve played lots of CDs/songs at my house that would at best rate maybe a 5 out of 10 on my scale. Or I’ve played songs that at one time I liked a lot but at that particular time I didn’t find to be all that great. Just because someone is listening to something doesn’t mean they have to believe it is the best thing ever.
For instance, when he makes a remark about your music, say something like “I’m aware that you and I don’t always enjoy the same kind of music – good thing we don’t share an office, eh?” Or you could make a joke of it – start writing down an actual list of things he doesn’t like, and ostentatiously take it out and add to it whenever he makes a remark.