Am I right to be uncomfortable about this?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

At the store where I work, there’s a guy about my age (30ish) who comes in pretty regular. He doesn’t always buy something, but often enough that you wouldn’t say he was loitering. He also seems to be mildly retarded. At any rate, he’s always cheerful, and always happy to see me. I don’t know how he is with the other female employees, but after today, I’m going to ask them.

This morning, I crossed paths with him, and he asked if I was going to be in on Halloween. When I said no (I see no harm in telling someone when I’m not going to be at work, though I wouldn’t tell any customer when I am going to be in), he said, “Then I’ll give you this now.”

It was a teeny tiny gift bag, with an even teenier bag of Jelly Bellys inside. They sell them in gift-wrap. They’re personalized, and this one had my name on it (my full name is on my tag. Which is a policy I’m not crazy about, BTW.) I thanked him cheerfully and brought it back to the register.

Today I was working with “Manny” and “Jack”. When I showed it to them, Jack was the one who noticed that there was a note inside. As follows:

"A Treat for the very Lovely woman that wears all those pretty skirts and dresses. the beautiful face that I enjoy seeing on my way to work.

have a great day [Rilchie]
your admirer, [blank]"

Jack: Well, it’s nice to be appreciated.

Me: Yeah, but it makes me feel a bit awkward. I mean, I just accepted it without thinking, but if I’d known he’d put a note in it and called himself my ‘admirer’, I might not have.

Manny: I’d call security.

Me: Good idea…No, I’ll take it to human resources. I’d rather show them than tell someone over the phone.

Jack: Jenny’s [manager] here right now; you can tell her.

Jenny: [after seeing the note] Well…has he ever done anything before that made you uncomfortable?

Me: No. But now I’m a bit nervous that he might think it’s…my move next or something.

Jenny: Well, maybe you should give it back. Is he still here?

Me: Dunno.

Manny: Waitaminut…it looks like he didn’t even pay for it. See, there’s no CRL [take too long to explain, but lack of one indicates that the item wasn’t paid for].

Jenny: Well, that’s not good. [To me] Just keep an eye on him, and if he does anything out of line, call security immediately.

So, I dunno. Much as I appreciate the gesture, the ‘admirer’ thing sets off a mild alarm. I don’t want to encourage him, but I don’t want to give it back either, because that will make it a bigger issue. Maybe I shouldn’t have accepted it in the first place…Damn.

Mr. Rilch says I should just keep my eyes peeled on the way to my car, and warn co-workers not to give out info about me. Which I’m fairly confident they wouldn’t do anyway; they weren’t born yesterday.

So what d’yall think?

2

I don’t know that I’d bother to give it back. That would seem kind of awkward and weird in itself.

Since your coworkers are aware, I would say that you’d just need to stay wary that nothing else happens in the future.

3

“Cool beans.”

Or rather, “Cool, beans.”

I say no harm, no foul. Leave 'em at work where he’s sure to see 'em the next time he happens by. When he sees 'em, let him know that it’s store policy not to accept gifts from customers and would he please take them back so you don’t get into trouble. Also that you left them at work because your husband might get upset if he saw a gift from an admirer.

It’s as gentle a rebuff as possible, I believe, whiilst still getting the message across to the “cheerful” gent that you are not interested.

4

Ooh, that’s a good idea, Chief. I like it.

5

Or you could invite him to a showing of “Radio.” You wouldn’t have to buy popcorn, you already have jelly beans.

6

What is the big deal all about? He really didn’t make a pass and you aren’t going to encourage him, so that is that and no more.

7

When I worked retail for 9 years, I got so into the customer mode that I took all forms of abuse (rude and belligerant people, as well as “career scammers” who make a fuss so the clerk will give in to their demand). I am/was a nice person and I lived by the motto “the customer is always right”. I remained calm under most situations but the one thing that always scared the holy hell out of me were the guys that mistook my quality customer service as some sort of romantic interest.

Yes, there were some cute guys who I didn’t mind flirting with me but I never got the creeped out feeling from those interactions. I’m talking stalkers here. I had a few members of my own fan club and I can blame the type of retail I worked for only so much as a part of the problem. Some people who may or may not be disturbed think that a friendly smile and excellent customer service in any store means a come on.

For your situation, tell as many co-workers as you feel necessary for your comfort and safety. Unless this guy does anything else, you can’t really know what he is thinking or planning on doing but stay alert and always leave the store with other employees just to be on the safe side. I’m not advocating paranoia but it never hurts to be aware.

I’ve received flowers, food, offers of money, offers of a shopping spree and dinner in the restaurant of my choice. I had a stalker (along with some other very disturbing incidents by random customers) and that just made me realize something very simple… my crappy retail job isn’t worth the hassle.

The man knew my car and would drive by every night to see if it was parked outside. My co-workers were very helpful and would watch for him, letting me take my break if he decided to come in, and they even helped me by telling him he wasn’t welcome inside the store anymore if he couldn’t leave me alone. I am lucky, he was harmless in the end.

My informative conversations with him about our products were something more in his mind, What I considered customer service, he considered romantic interest. I honestly think it could have happened in any retail setting, I just happened to work in an adult retail store. I’ve known some people working in other types of retail that have experienced customers exposing their genitals, making sexual comments, or stalking so you can’t say it’s the porn store that gave him more of a idea. It happens everywhere!
Forgive the length of this post, I just thought maybe I could share some needed insight. Good luck with this and I hope it’s absolutely nothing to worry about!

8

And you have every right to feel how you do. People should rely more on their instincts. I also hated the people who felt they could touch you no matter how lightly or innocently it seemed. That’s just breaking some personal code of mine. I do not touch the clerk who I ask for help, I do not want my customers touching me.

9

Do you wear your wedding ring at work? Now might be a good time to start.

10

Thanks for the input, y’all. Chief, that is a funny thing: you’d think there would be a policy against accepting gifts, but the manager never said. I’ve decided not to mention it again unless he does. If he asks how I liked it, I’ll tell him the truth: I appreciate it, but I don’t like jelly beans, so I gave them to El Hubbo.

qts: I…heh…don’t have a wedding ring. We’re working on that.

11

I think Chief probably has the best advice.

I used to work with mentally retarded people, (including ones that might be considered “mildly retarded”) and a lot of them are very loving and don’t understand what “creeped out” or “crossing boundaries” are. They love everybody. They don’t mean anything creepy by some of their gift-giving and sweet comments.

At my job (working with the developmentally disabled) I was told that I was pretty all the time (and believe me, on many days, this is a stretch). And I was frequently given candy and other small trinkets (which I either refused, citing my weight, or begged off in some other way).

Some of these guys are just sweet, but harmless. And you are female. That’s all it takes for them to want to give you a gift and compliment you.

This is not to say that this particular guy IS merely “sweet” also, but from what you’ve described, that might be all there is to it.

12

Hmm, guess I’ll just keep this bag of Jelly Bellies for myself then…

Har har. Rilchiam, the whole thing sounds pretty harmless to me; I’d let it go, but make sure to drop a reference to “my husband” next time he makes any conversational overtures.

And get some kind of ring, even if it’s a $9 silver claddagh ring (which was my engagement offering to my ex when I was an impoverished grad student), and wear it on your wedding finger at work. Don’t wave it on his face, but make sure he sees it; much like the Hindu red dot on the forehead, or lack thereof, it can be a clear indicator of what boundaries should/shouldn’t be crossed. (Now that I’m in my 30s and single, the first thing I look for on a woman in whom I might be interested is a wedding ring.)

13

This seems to me to be the key.
What would you do if a man who wasn’t gave you the same present?
I’d say that whatever you would do in that situation should be what you do in this situation.

If this man (or any man) is not threatening you or being offensive, then surely there is no case to answer?
If it was me, I’d try and inject a bit of grace and good humour into the situation and thank him for the present but ask him nicely not to give me any more presents as I loved my husband and he gave me quite enough presents to be going on with!

If this man or any man does become threatening or offensive, then it’s time to call in the big guns.

14

I’m sorry, but it seerms to me that to him you are currently available and he is expressing his interest. This is perfectly normal male behaviour. He doesn’t know you’re attached, does he? So thank him for his consideration but say that you already have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) - but let him down gently, for if he is mentally retarded, then his disappointment will be all the greater.

Curly’s last sentence is exactly right.

15

Well, two days before Thanksgiving, this guy gave me another greeting card. I’m not going to transcribe it here, but I’ll give you the gist of it.

Basically, it was a love letter, not unlike one that Mr. Rilch sent to me after we’d been going out for a few months. But the the difference is, Mr. Rilch knew me by that time: we’d gone out, we’d talked about heavy stuff, we’d consummated the relationship. Whereas this guy has a fixation about me without knowing me at all. It made me sad more than anything else*.

At the end of it, he asked me to “give him a big smile” next time I saw him, if I shared his feelings. Well, our paths crossed a few times, but I reacted like he was any other customer. Not rude or even snippy, just a veneer of politeness.

I also apprised my co-workers of the situation, though I didn’t show the actual card to anyone except the manager. They all agreed to continue doing what they’d been doing: not give this guy any info about me. Manny, who is kind of a smartass, told me that once (before the card), the guy had asked when I was working again, and gotten the response, “Oh, I think she quit!”

Well, today I saw him on my way to the women’s room (not an employee lounge; the public restroom). He was on the pay phone in the alcove. When I came out, he said hi and I said hi and kept walking. Then I heard him say, from behind me, “Can I see you this weekend?” I turned just enough so I could look at him and said, “Oh, my husband wouldn’t like that.”

“Oh,” he said. Not any particular inflection, just “Oh.”

So hopefully that’s that.

*Mr. Rilch told me to be careful walking to my car. But I always am anyway, just because I work in a mall. I don’t think this guy would get aggressive…but hell, I don’t suppose Dru Sjodin thought there was any risk in her job either. At any rate, now that I’ve established that I’m not interested, anything he does after this should be taken seriously by security. And if they don’t…well, I’ll make them take it seriously. But hopefully, it won’t come to that. Hopefully. :frowning:

16

Good luck, Rilch.

Who is Dru Sjodin?

17

Dru Sjodin? Have I been whooshed?

18

She’s the college student in North Dakota (?) that’s been missing for a few weeks. The police believe she was abducted by a man that they just arrested this week.

19

She was abducted from the mall where she worked, was my point. Early reports said her store got numerous hang-up calls over a period of weeks before she disappeared.

20

I have spent some time working with mentally retarded adults.

This sounds kind of familiar.

Just based on the information at hand, I’d say there’s a 99% chance that what you have here is a mildly retarded adult suffering from a crush.

What I would do is check with my boss first, after having explained the situation (and DOCUMENTED it, if your job has any way to put it in writing – Customer Incident forms, for example)…

…and then let the guy down, gently. Make sure security or a large thuggish coworker is standing by, just in case. If not for protection, then as a witness.

“I think you’re very nice, but I have a husband. I’m married, and I love my husband very much.”

Something along that line should work. Gentle, but firm. Under most circumstances, he’ll be disappointed, but it will put an end to the creepy-assed situation.

And if he flips out or does something weird… well… you informed your coworkers. You informed your boss. You informed security. You documented the incident. Whatthehell else were you supposed to do?

Don’t be cruel, but be pragmatic. Be kind and gentle as you can… but protect yourself.