You could always practice with a kitten or puppy, there are some similarities. The inconvenience factor is a big one, and not being able to reason with a small creature who poops randomly and chews on things willy-nilly. Kids are about a million times cuter, though, and wear diapers (until they hit about 18 months, but duct tape usually works).
Other circumstances can play a big part, too – you may not be up for dashing around the backyard, but if you have friends and family who’ll do so, your kid won’t be lacking. My husband’s pretty lazy about running, so he lays on the floor as the kids climb all over him. He sits on the couch to throw a football with our son, who now thinks tossing a ball means being seated. Every parent has strengths and weaknesses.
And - there are plenty of fathers in their 20s who don’t invest much time in their children for a variety of reasons (such as building up their careers, or partying with friends). Age isn’t as important as being patient and putting a baby’s needs first (toddlers start to learn to wait, but infants can’t).
I’m curious to know how old your wife is. Her age and energy level are probably an even bigger factor, since in 90% of households the mother performs 75% of the childcare. OTOH, she’ll have adrenaline (i.e. terror) on her side, at the start anyway.
Oh, and even though my parents were old, I knew three of my grandparents well, and two of them I knew in adulthood. (My maternal grandfather died a long time ago and everybody agrees it was no big loss - I wouldn’t have known him even if my dad had had me very young. So often it doesn’t matter.) In fact, I still have my maternal grandmother, and she’s 91 and perfectly sharp. So that isn’t necessarily an issue - your parents could get hit by a bus any day, too. Unfortunately, my children, should I choose to have any, will almost certainly never know my dad. Some people die young, some people die old, some people die in the middle.
My dad was in his 40s when my brother and I were born. He is an awesome father and I wouldn’t trade him for anyone else, but it tears me up that my future kids most likely won’t get to grow up with him around. We’ve also started having serious conversations about assisted living, end-of-life plans, etc. My brother is much more of a free spirit, so I’m it when it comes to helping my parents in their old age. I know I’d be taking care of my parents eventually, but I’m only in my twenties and it’s tough to think about right now.
My Dad was 46 when I was born. Wait. Maybe he was 46 when he got married. Anyway, I’m in my late 20s, and he’s in his mid-70s. So it’s more than possible. He was and is a good dad. The only difficulty is that we’re feeling slight pressure to have kids soon. Of course, he’s Japanese and in good shape, so we figure he’s got another ten years, easy.
Thanks so much for all the replies. Fatherhood after 40 seems to be much more doable than I thought. I feared that turning 40 was the closing of a door, but that’s probably just our youth-oriented culture speaking again.
I’m not sure what you mean by this. I’m asking about capability, not probability. Probability is a whole other matter.
Freezing sperm costs a lot of money? I have to admit that it’s something I’ve never thought about–the closest I get is freezing fresh fruit for use later in my smoothies…
Well, I’m kinda pondering this for the first time, after something someone said to me last week. The ‘looking for woman with young children’ route would seem to be the best way to go.
I’m the one that ends up on the floor at Christmas, drawing or playing Legos or Snakes and Ladders. A year ago Boxing Day, I and my best friend and two other guys (fathers both) spent hours chasing the kids around the house, pretending to be monsters. A good time was held by all.
Well, the last of my grandparents died when I was in my teens, so that’s not an option. Blame the long generations in my family… but my father and his sister are still alive.
Semi-hijack: I don’t associate conservatism with age, exactly; the radical conservatism we experienced in Ontario in the past few years was as much the product of the young as it was of the old. My best friend in electronics school was a supporter of the Reform party, for example. But then, my mother’s family has been democratic-socialist (NDP/CCF) activists since my grandfather’s time (he actually ran for provincial Parliament in the fifties ).
An intriguing idea.
:: nods ::
Sounds oddly familiar.
Yes… learning to set yourself aside to care for another can be fiendishly-difficult at times, especially for me. I’m actually worried that that might be a problem.
Ouch. I wish you luck, on finding the right lady at the right time.
You know, you could also try volunteering through Big Brothers (Canada has a version of that, right?). It could give you the chance to make an important impact on a young boy, and provide you with a rewarding friendship.
In the U.S. anyway, they always have huge waiting lists for male volunteers.
I’ve actually known someone who did this. He grew up in a less-than-optimal environment, had father issues, and at one point said to us, “The pattern stops here. I would rather never be a father than transmit my problems to the next generation.” Yet, he went on to become a Big Brother and even got an award. Perhaps I should look into it.
If life presents you with the opportunity for fatherhood, don’t let this quality hold you back. I’m the same way, and I’ve learned to operate in “gears”. There are a lot of times when I hold back from “high” gear (“on” and interactive), in order to save some reserves for “low” gear. Low gear is an interesting place, reminds me of meditating or performing mindless, repetitive tasks; you’re present, but not intellectual at all. Babies and small kids need that frequently.
My father was 37 when I was born. I couldn’t have asked for a wiser or funnier Dad. I adored him.
His own father was 61 when Dad was born. As much as my Dad loved him, that was really too old to be a part of Dad’s life at a time when he was most needed.
When I said I was not sure that you have a say in the matter about being a father, I meant that from observation it appears to be the female who decides whether to have a child.
I was a bit alarmed to hear that you have neither wife nor girlfriend, finding a compatible lass is a bit more difficult than it might appear on the surface. Get that bit wrong and you could land up a father, paying alimony with the ex-wife in another State.
Tell me about it. As I said, I’m working on it. It may be that I’m too old, that my dating days are over, and that I am effectively written off as a potential mate. On the other hand, it may be that I ‘just need to met the right one’. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up.
With all due respect to the OP’s intentions ( which I think are lovely ), let us not gloss over the fact that there are a heck of a lot of single parents out there, and single people who chose to become parents biologically or through adoption who are amazing at being a dad or a mom.
40 isn’t old so quit ya’ bitchin! Tom Cruise is in his 40s and he just had a kid. The reason most 40 year olds seem old and tired is because they got married and had kids in their late 20s.
I was 41 when we had our twin girls. I suppose I would have had more spring in my step if I had been in my 20s but I had no business having children when I was in my 20s.
My dad was around 40 when I was born. He died last year. He played catch with me, skied, sailed, canoed, flew kites, did road trips down south and up north, turned me on to all kinds of stuff. I think he became apprehensive when I got into rock-n-roll but he never came out dead set against it.
I never knew either of my grandfathers and my grandmothers were elderly and distant and both passed away by the time I was in my teens. I never really had major grandparent involvement in my life so I don’t know what I missed. I’m a pretty happy guy regardless. More than my grandparents, one of the relationships I thought I wanted to have when I was young was with a brother. I had two older sisters who were four and five years ahead of me. They were OK but I wanted a brother.
I think whether you’re young or old you’re going to have periods of exhaustion, frustration, doubt, whatever hardships go along with being a parent. I’m fairly certain the lack of sleep and other lifestyle upheavals I suffered with my girls would have been infinitely more irritating if I was younger. I don’t really care about it that much anymore. One thing that I have to be careful with now more than then is my back.
If you keep yourself trim and in shape, you’ll not only get to play with your kids, but you’ll keep their mother from leaving you. Bally’s is your friend, as is your bike, the park, your softball mitt, your football, etc. Kids are like poker; you may get what you’re dealt, but a lot depends on what you bring to the table beforehand as well as how much effort you are willing to put into playing.
A year ago Boxing Day, I and my best friend and two other guys (fathers both) spent hours chasing the kids around the house, pretending to be monsters. A good time was held by all.
).
As I said, I’m working on it. It may be that I’m too old, that my dating days are over, and that I am effectively written off as a potential mate. On the other hand, it may be that I ‘just need to met the right one’. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up.