Two days ago, my husband told me that he wanted to split up. He said that he liked me and cared about me, but that he didn’t love me anymore. He had been denying it to himself for a long time, and couldn’t take it any more. Thank god we didn’t have any kids.
I think I’m all cried out now. At first I was shocked, then numb. I guess now I realize that part of me knew this was coming. We were never a couple that fought. We always “got along” well. But the non-existent sex life should have been my first clue. We were more like roomates rather than husband and wife.
We’re splitting everything up, and it’s more then fair on my end. We’re going to go to a lawyer and get everything on paper to finalize it and make it binding. Tomorrow I’m gong to start searching for a townhouse. He’s going to drive me around and help me look.
But…I still don’t hate him. Everyone seems to think I should, and they don’t believe how civil both of us are being. But screaming and wailing about it isn’t going to help anything, only aggrivate a very sad and depressing situation. I have to give him credit for being honest and fair with me…better this happens now than 10 years down the road when we really WOULD hate each other.
Is an amicable divorce possible? Is it possible to remain friends after all is said and done?
I’m sure it happens all the time, Alexxandra. Although it seems you only hear about the bitter, contentious divorces, I imagine that’s at least partly because those angry people sound off more. If you think about it, an amicable divorce isn’t that hard to imagine. For one thing, once you’ve adjusted to the decision, the pressure’s off and you can get on with life. Good luck getting on with yours, and welcome to the board.
PS: Here’s hoping your sex life comes back from extinction soon!
It is possible to be friends after a divorce. My dad and his first wife divorced years before I was born. They don’t tell me much about it, but I know that dad cried and lamented it. I also know that at first he was hurt and grumpy about the situation.
He is not that way anymore. Years later he met my mom, had me, married. His ex-wife(who I call auntie) helped raise me when I was a kid, and now calls me her other daughter. Both families(my mom’s and my sibling’s) behave as one. My cousins are my sibling’s cousins, and viceversa. My dad helps his ex when she needs transportation to her job. They all care about each other. I think they are way more civil now to each other than when they divorced. They are now friends.
Although I don’t know you and I don’t have experience with this situation, I wanted to say that I’m sad for you, and I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. It must be really difficult. It seems to me that your reluctance to hate him, etc. will ultimately be healthier for you. I’ve heard it said that continuing to hate someone/refusing to forgive someone is like ingesting poison in the hopes that the other person will die…
Anyway, to get back to your question, FWIW, one of my best friends in the world has a very good relationship with her ex-husband. They have a child together, which distinguishes their situation from yours, but they have made great efforts to keep their relationship amicable, and they have succeeded. They are actually pretty good friends now.
Sorry to hear about your situation, and I wish you a speedy return to the social scene.
Possible, but not necessary.
My parents were divorced when I was but a wee lad, but have gotten past any bad feelings years ago (it seems), and have been very civilized, and even friendly with each other. We have both mom and dad at all family gatherings, with new spouces, etc. SO I know it’s possible.
But why worry about it? I say take care of yourself right now, certainly don’t do anything nasty just for the sake of being nasty, and if friendship is meant to be it will be. You should not, however, make that your first cencern.
Thanks for the words of support, guys. I’m still unbelievably sad. I’m sure, in time, it won’t hurt so much…most divorcee’s I know say that it was a blessing in the long run. Hope it works out that way for me.
We don’t have a child together. But we do have 3 cats a dog and a bird. I’m taking the bird and one of the cats with me. The other two cats can’t be separated, and he’s the one that brought them into the relationship. The dog is what’s killing me though. We want to try “shared custody” of the dog (One week his place, one week mine) unless it will upset her too much. In that case she will live with him. (She KNOWS something’s wrong. She staring at me right now and making me feel awful. )
I certainly don’t hate my husband, and I do wish him well. He wishes the same for me. It doesn’t hurt any less, though.
Very sorry to hear this, Alexxandra. Easy divorces suck, too. Mine was amicable, to the point that it was no worse than the marriage. Cheaper, too! Only thing on paper was the split of the cars, since those were titled, but everything else was agreeable to us both. We stayed in touch for a while, and she even stayed at my apt in Georgia for a week (she lived in Boston) and we shared a bed. No ex-sex, though.
We hadn’t shared a home in a few years by the time we divorced, so that made it all the easier. I broke off contact with her because she was bad person, but the divorce was uncontested, no fights, better for us both, and we remained “friends” for about a year, until I had a new relationship and it got sticky.
Best wishes to you and the future ex. I truly hope things go smoothly and you both come out of this OK.
Yes, amicable divorces are possible. I just wish I hadn’t had to go through a couple of years of volcanic hatred and poisonous bitterness first to get there.
An amicable divorce should be your priority right now. If the relationship suddenly turned rotten at this point, truly monumental damage could be done to your peace of mind, your hopes for a smoother future, and your bank account.
Be as good to each other as you can…then move on.
And, I wish you peace and happiness again as soon as possible.
Some people have an amicable divorce, but then find that they don’t really have closure until they “get mad” at the ex. In some ways, a good case of mad can help.
Remember, you are moving forward to hopefully better things.
I guess what I’m saying is similar to what tradesilicon said. Amicable may be nice, but it’s not essential. Look out for yourself first.
It’s tough. Hope It goes as smoothly as possible for you.
I would say that keeping the divorce amicable is not only possible, but extremely desirable. The people that are telling you that you should be angry don’t know what they are talking about. In this situation, there is little you can do to change what is happening (apart from asking for counseling before you get the divorce) so anger will only consume you with negative energy, when you need all of the positive energy you can get.
I made a conscious effort to not be angry with my ex and still do, simply because when I start to go down that road, I find myself consumed with anger and unable to go forward with my life.
We actually had a very amicable divorce. It’s what he did after the divorce that caused me to break off all relations with him. He used my name and address without my consent or knowledge.
Originally posted by Zyada “We actually had a very amicable divorce. It’s what he did after the divorce that caused me to break off all relations with him.”
Yeah, me too. It was the anger that came later that “freed” me from the lingering old relationship and allowed me to move on to other things.
Dif’runt strokes for dif’runt folks, I guess.
On another note, at least I got your name spelled right this time, Zyada .
I think we all want there to be a “good guy” and a “bad guy” in a lot of situations. It makes things a lot easier. Your family and friends are suffering sadness at this situation, too, and it may be easier for them (in the short run) to be mad at your ex than to be sad. It is easier to be mad than sad. But it’s hard for them to be mad at him when you’re giving them no ammunition!
Anyway, I am sorry to hear of your situation, and wish you the best of luck.
I know it’s painful for you and this may sound strange but you should be on your knees thanking God with ever ounce of gratitude you can muster that you found out sooner rather than later and that there are no kids involved. Approximatley 40%-50% or so of marriages end in divorce and many are not nearly so clean as yours. Quite frankly your scenario (ie the cliche’ “I don’t love you anymore”) sounds like there is quite possibly another woman/man involved. Spouses are always the last to know. Have yourself tested for any STDs sooner and not later.
I found out “later” and after we had two kids together. It was contentious and nasty. Be thankful for small favors. It could be much, much worse. Trust me.
It is definitely possible to have an amicable divorce. The ex and I have been divorced for about 6 years and we’re the best of friends. We communicate regularly (she lives in another city now), we go on dates, I go to visit her and have even spent the night on more than one occassion. She’s a wonderful woman, we just had to many differances of opinion to stay together.
I think that we have more respect for each others traits as individuals rather than as a married couple. We have heard from a few people that we “should just get married again” but our collective answer is “What! And ruin a perfectly good friendship?”
In short, yes…an amicable divorce is possible.
Now that I’ve had a few days to let things sink in, I’m starting to feel a little bit better. The black depression is gone, and now it’s more of just a general sadness. He’s in as much pain as I am. I am glad this happened sooner rather than later and I thank my lucky stars that there are no kids involved. I honestly believe that we can part as friends.
He’s being very fair about helping me out with support for the next while. I’m going to go back to school and work part-time, and he’s going to pay me support every month until I’m done my course (2 years). I’m getting it in writing and through a lawyer, though, can’t be too careful, right?
It doesn’t look like I can take any of the pets with me, though. That bugs me. But the decent apartments available in my area generally don’t allow pets. The ones that DO allow pets are either really scummy, or unaffordable. But, in the end, I guess a cat is just a cat. I need to worry about ME. They’ll be fine and have a good life with the ex, and I’ll still be able to see them.
The thought of dating again in the future makes me feel…excited and nervous. It won’t happen for a while, but it’s something to look forward to, as well.
I never realized how many people actually cared about me. Everyone has been so incredibly supportive and kind to me that I am amazed. I guess it’s when you hit tough times inyour life that you realize who your friends really are. It turns out that I have quite a few really good ones.
Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. I never thought that telling strangers on a message board would help me feel better. But it did. I’m trying to see the whole situation as a fresh start, and I’m going to move on with my life.
I was in the role of your husband, and was not in love anymore. We were at the stage in live, marriage and relationship when people usually have kids. I knew that I didn’t want to raise children with him, so I filed for divorce. It was no fault and went through in 3 months or so, because we had no shared property or assets.
We didn’t really speak much since then, but the few times a year that we do communicate are amicable. I am sure it hurts a lot now, but there is so much hope for the future.
I am now happily married with a child and am so glad that I made the choice I made when I did. Good luck.
I too have been in your shoes, Alexx. My husband left me, very unexpectedly, after 8 years together (4 married) and an 18-month-old baby. It was the biggest shock of my life.
Now, 3 years later, it was also the greatest blessing. We were like you describe you and your husband - great friends, comfortable together, but essentially uninspired by each other. Now we live 6 blocks apart, share custody of our son (every other week), talk on the phone every day or so, and are the kind of friends we always should have been - intead of the dreadful married couple we ended up as.
On the other hand, since you have no children, remember that you may need distance and time to get over this, even if you still like each other. My ex and I only have a strong friendship because we made a priority of it for our son - lots of family therapy and a lot of work on communication was necessary for us to get where we are. I certainly have no regrets, but if we hadn’t had our son, I’m quite sure we would not have put in the effort.
All the best, and feel free to email me (it’s in my profile) if there’s anything you want to ask - I’ll do my best. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it, in my opinion.
My divorce is fairly amicable. The marriage died about a year and a half before we separated, and it got to the point where I had to do something. Since he refused counseling, and since there was nothing wrong with me, I left. We were separated for about six months before I met Airman and divorce became inevitable. The papers were filed in February, and the final hearing is next Wednesday. We still talk once in a while online, but I haven’t seen him nor talked to him in several months.
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