So, how did you make an “amicable” divorce? Do you get along better now than you did? If so, why?
What about the kids? Are you really able to raise them separately, together? How? And what are their ages, and do their ages make a difference?
I’m looking for info, folks, so I can figure out if I can do it, myself.
I was married for a short time, so that probably made getting along together as exes much easier than if we’d had years and years of history together.
However, the divorce was amicable and we’ve gotten along well ever since. In our case it was fairly simple, not having much to fight about yet, we were young and poor. Sure, he could still push my buttons if I let him but if I’da wanted to fight I could have just stayed married. Once you no longer care what the other person thinks of you, it makes for way less arguing.
I think he’s an idiot, hence the divorce, so why would I expect anything but idiocy? Lowered expectations rule. We get along better now, absolutely. The original things we had in common we can now chat about, since there’s no relationship drama in the way.
Our son is now 14, with me being the primary caregiver and him being a more sporadic influence over the years as he’s moved in and out of the area. Basically I’ve made all childcare decisions and had all the responsibility, once in a while he was around for a play weekend with the boy. Sometimes visits were regular, more often not, but if I wasn’t depending on his father for anything concrete (time, money, discipline, etc.) then any of it was a bonus instead of an unmet expectation.
About every fourth year we’d have an argument over some kid issue, realize the futility and not bother doing that again until another few years had went by. I could choose to rant and rave over the unfairness of it all, or I could accept the circumstances and make the best out of them, since there’s no perfect solution it behooves you not to get hung up on competing with the other parent.
I had to understand that my wishes weren’t necessarily going to be carried out when the child wasn’t with me, regardless of how “right” I was or how important consistency is or whatever. I saw too many girlfriends trying to tell their exes how to parent and having non-stop drama over it, if you couldn’t get him to do X while you were together, why think he’ll do X after you’re not? Worked for me to just stop worrying about anything out of my control and be the best parent I could be regardless of what the other one did or didn’t do.
This is probably not what you want to hear… My parents are working on getting divorced, sorry to say, but there’s nothing amicable that I can see about it. FTR, I’m 33 years old and it’s taken quite a toll on me. I can’t imagine what it would do to young children. I mean, we’re all adults here, but now I have to make sure that I spend ‘equal time’ with each parent. If not, some comment or other will find it’s way back to me. Maybe you’re more mature than they have been. I hope so and I wish you (sincerely) the best of luck.
If you have kids–put them first. Use that as your guiding principle. I also used the concept that 30 years from now my daughter would judge me on how I treated her mom and acted accordingly.
My daughter was 8 when I got divorced and is now 12. It has worked out for us, but I do think we are the exception.
My divorce was amiable and I still get along with my ex. I honestly believe it can be done if you are BOTH adults about it. My ex was and so was I. But since then several of my friends have gotten divorced and they weren’t adults about it in my opinion.
Sorry to hear that it’s been horrible for you.
In all honesty, in my experience, the younger the child is when you split up the better they do with it. OK, I’m not a mental health professional or anything, but my parents broke up when I was four, and I’m solidly within the age group where tons of kids I went to school with also had their parents get divorced at some point.
For me, it was just the way my family was, and it didn’t bother me. My brother was eight, and he did have some problems at first accepting it. And it took him a while to learn to get along with my step-father. But kids are flexible and get over things fast as long as the non-custodial parent doesn’t disappear. Most of the other pre-teens that I knew were about the same.
But it was the teenagers and older that were really sent reeling by the news - their entire world was being torn apart.
That’s why I always wince when I hear the phrase “We’re staying together for the children.” If you’re going to break up in 18 years anyway, just bite the bullet and get it over with now. Your toddler isn’t going to know that he’s supposed to be traumatized.
My parents got an amicable divorce when I was about 8. They still talked in a friendly way, still liked each other, etc.; they just both realized that they didn’t like being married to each other.
He even sent her flowers as a gift on her birthday for a while, but then one year, after she had married my stepdad, the flowers Dad sent were bigger than the ones my stepdad got her. They had a talk and he stopped sending flowers after that. But Dad and my stepdad are still great friends; when my dad was living in Japan and my stepdad had to go there on business, Stepdad stayed at Dad’s apartment and they spent a couple of days palling around Tokyo together.
And I never in my life heard my dad or anyone on his side of the family say one negative word about my mom, or vice versa. They really liked each other (it was impossible not to like Mom); they just couldn’t be married to each other.
As for the OP’s question of whether he can pull off an amicable divorce, I can only say that it depends entirely on both parties’ maturity levels and emotional states. Insecurity, hostility, or simmering resentment/anger can totally (or temporarily) preclude any hope of pulling it off without leaving bad feelings on one or both sides.
My folks divorced right before I entered hi-school. I was 14. I guess it did not surprise me. Maybe it was a relief. It’s a bit scary when your dad storms out of the house with a rifle.
It’s funny, all is fine now. My folks are about as opposite as can be, but they get along at family gatherings and such. Now, it’s my brother that has turned into a complete ass. But that’s another story.
My oldest friend’s parents had the most amicable divorce I’ve ever seen. They split when my friend was 13 and his sister was 11. Their mom kept the house and had the kids most of the time. Their dad moved to a place not far from their old neighborhood. The kids spent every other weekend at their dad’s and went over for dinner a couple of nights a week. Both parents were always there at every single school event, play, birthday party, what have you. Nobody ever heard them say a bad word about the other. Both waited a couple of years to start dating again. The kids today remain close to both parents.
From my outsider perspective, the two most important things they did were to 1) stay geographically close to each other and the kids (how involved can you really be if you live 4 hours away from your children?) and 2) never be negative towards each other in words or actions.
Oh, I also wanted to mention that I think trying to do an exact 50-50 split of time–one week at mom’s, one week at dad’s-- can be hard on the kids. I’m not a child of divorced parents, but my friends growing up who were constantly shuttling between their two parents’ houses seemed to have a harder time of it than my friends who lived with one parent most of the time. Obviously, YMMV.
I could be one of jackelopes parents, minus the flower thing. Ex and I were married for 18 years and now we get along fine, just not in the same house. We have joint custody of the children and all associated expenses. They spend a week with me and then with her. There is no contract or other documentation stipulating this, we’re both mature enough and stable enough to behave like rational adults. Unfortunately it sounds like we’re in the minority there.
Her brother has gotten a divorce and has recently found out through reliable sources that his ex has tried to take a contract out on him. He works in a prison so that is a very real concern for him.
Back to the OP. ‘making’ an amicable divorce. Short answer, both of you have to decide not to be stupid and vindictive. Helps no on, harms everyone, especially the children.
Do you get along better now than you did? If so, why?
A little better. Our relationship before the divorce was basically roommates sleeping in the same bed. Now it’s ex-roommates. Good friends, she can call on me for a favor just as I can from her.
What about the kids?
Three, 8, 12, and 19. As stated before they spend a week with me and a week with her. More or less. We are very easygoing about this arrangement depending on work schedules and other things. Can I take the kids to grandma’s this weekend is invariably answered yes. Young ones are fine with this arrangement, eldest pretty much stays whereever he wants to.
and do their ages make a difference?
IMHO, the maturity of the children is less a factor than the maturity of the parents.
I’m looking for info, folks, so I can figure out if I can do it, myself.
Luck! There is plenty of evidence that it’s possible.
I consider my divorce amicable. We were married sixteen years and have two sons. They were 12 and 14 we we split up.
He remarried again almost immediately, and although that really stung at first, I credit my wife-in-law (her term for our relationship) with a lot of the amicable status. She refused to allow him to get hateful, and I was very grateful for that. Also our children played a role since any time either of us strayed down the nasty comments about the other path, they would give us a heads up.
We did raise the children together, in fact we usually sat together at school events–him, his wife, her three girls, our two boys and me. Right now we are still talking frequently since our older son–now 26–has hit a rough patch in his personal life.
You CAN do it, although I acknowledge it’s not easy. But it’s a choice and every day you get to choose how you want to be. The reward for me was on my 40th birthday, my younger son gave me a list of 40 reasons why he loved me. Number seven was “You don’t hate my dad.” The whole list made me cry but number seven made the choice to not be bitter entirely worth it.
We’ve married both of them off, and are now grandparents. My ex is a great guy but we were NOT great together. I am so much happier now with my second husband. Another benefit IMO of staying amicable has been that both my sons were entirely accepting of my new husband four years ago. Feel free to PM if you have more questions or just want to chat.
Isn’t that the truth? It’s great when parents remember who that person is – they might be exes to us, but to our kids, they’re mom or dad.
My parents’ divorce was amicable, maybe because he was in the military and there was no contact, just a check in the mail every month. 
My parents had a very amicable divorce after 25 years of marriage. My Dad had started staying out a lot, drinking and (we later found out) seeing another woman. Plans to throw a 25th anniversary party were abandoned because by that time it was obvious that the marriage wouldn’t be lasting much longer. My Mom got the house and child support for the two youngest children; against the advice of her lawyer and friends she refused to try to get any alimony, saying that she was working and didn’t need the money.
Dad was always dropping by the house and taking care of things that needed to be done (a fact that drove his second wife crazy and probably contributed to them getting divorced only a few years later. There was never any animosity that I was aware of, and when Mom died ten years later my Dad cried on my shoulder (I think it was the first time I ever saw him cry) and said that he wished he’d been a better husband.
As a child of divorced parents I can think of some very important things:
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No matter how angry/upset/irritated you are, do not bad-mouth your ex - in front of your children or otherwise where it might get back to them. She may be your ex, but she is and will always be their mother. Vent here on the Dope if you need to; it helps. As a side to this, do not force your children to choose sides.
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When a decision has to be made, the controlling thought should be “what is best for the kids.”
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Try to remember that at one time you loved this person enough to marry her. Even if she has changed, or you have, and the marriage can’t work, try to maintain a little respect for the memory of the person you married and loved.
I got an amicable divorce…I think we should be poster children for it. But we did not have children which certainly complicates matters (we had a dog that we viewed like a kid but for this really not the same thing at all).
The following I will be asking some questions but they are not here for you to answer to us (personal stuff). Just here as food for thought for you.
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Why is the divorce happening? If it is just you fell out of love you have a good chance. If one or the other cheated or was abusive or became an addict and so on it’s harder to get past that amicably.
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How are the finances? Money is a HUGE sticking point and division of assets and continued support payments can muck the whole thing up terribly.
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How do each of you view the other? That is, do you each see the other as a good parent, a good person or do either of you see the other as seriously deficient in some way? If it is the latter it is hard to get past that.
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Are (or will) both of you be in agreement that a divorce is the right way to go? Clearly you do but will she agree readily?
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Can you both be truly fair in dividing stuff/finances and sharing future financial responsibilities? Or are you likely to fight over it?
For me the important part was an honest and non-confrontational discussion right at the outset (after we had agreed to the divorce and let that sink in a bit). We knew we could make it ugly but agreed it was in BOTH our best interests to not involve attorneys. Spending $5000 in attorney fees to bitch over a $500 item just seemed absurd. So we wrote up an agreement between us that NEITHER of us would retain an attorney without a 4 week notification the other had done so. This left the option open should either of us feel we did need one but that neither would be blindsided walking into court and finding the other had one and the one without would be screwed.
We only had one blow-up the whole time but as soon as we contemplated the alternative we calmed down and worked everything out. Finances, splitting stuff and so on. We hired an attorney for $300 to file court documents for us (make sure we did everything right) and that was that.
As others mentioned PRIMARY is your children’s welfare. This will be hard on them probably. View all you do through that lens.
FWIW I dated a woman who worked for a divorce law firm. When the lawyers get in god help you. The stories…nightmarish really. It may be you and/or she need one but unless you like the idea of tens of thousands in bills and perhaps years of fighting try your best to not go there.
Best of luck.
I am finding this thread really helpful. The soon-to-be-former Mr. Lucky and I separated a couple of months ago. He had moved out last year, but moved back in, and we tried to make it work for our daughter’s sake, but it soon became clear that it wasn’t gonna happen. We haven’t talked to a lawyer yet, but we are still friends. I hope we can keep it that way. In fact, our nephew’s birthday is next week, and both of us are attending the party with our daughter. I hope everything goes well.
Funny you should ask. I just spent a good portion of my weekend over at my ex-husband’s house. He just suffered a heart attack a few days ago and my daughter came up to make sure he was okay and to force healthy food upon him until his operation in two weeks. I was there with his current live-in’s blessings.
Except for a few snippy bitter weeks during our divorce nearly 30 years ago, we’ve gotten along well. We talk and cooperated regarding parenting (not always without disagreements but with our daughter’s interest first and foremost).
Same with my son’s father, though I never married him, we get along reasonably well. We do occasionally argue about parenting decisions, but they are discussions, not angry knock down drag outs, and not once have we failed to come to an agreement within a phone call.
I’ve gotten along with almost every ex I’ve had. I’m more astonished at the springeresque reaction to breaking up with someone that seems to be the norm out there. I honestly don’t get why breaking up with someone has to mean you become enemies.
I’m not sure if I can answer your question of "how’ we did it. We just did. We talked mostly and shared our hurt feelings not just our disappointed and/or angry ones.
I just never blamed the “other guy”, I blamed the situation and just believed that the breakups meant we weren’t right for each other, rather than that the other person just woke up and decided to make my life miserable.
That doesn’t mean that I didn’t (and don’t sometimes) still get angry or frustrated at their actions while we were together.
I hope that helps a little.
You guys have been great, thanks! So many thoughtful replies; if anyone else has more input, please feel free to jump in, but for now this has been very, very helpful!
Old thread: Share your tales of harmonious break-ups here.
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Whack-a-Mole** has great advice overall, however the only caveat I have for you is you do want to either make 100% sure you are both on board regarding sharing an attorney OR spring for the cost of one to review the divorce agreement on your behalf.
This was the ONLY area where I really believe I got the shaft. I relied on my ex-husband’s good Christian values and we shared an attorney who was our mediator. I lost everything–any share of the house, the pension (I was a SAHM), got my bed and a dresser, and that was about it. Oh I got my car.
So just be aware, and realize that it wouldn’t hurt to have a third party paid by you to watch out for you to review any divorce agreement.