I am under an AVO (Apprehended Violence Order), which is kinda like the American… what do they call it?.. ummm restraining something-or-other? Yeah, well one of those. It was for two years, and it’s just been extended to four. For all I know, it could be extended every two years until I die, even though I have not done anything to deserve it. My lawyer told me that the things are basically impossible to fight, because no judge wants to be the guy who overturned one on the rare occasion that some guy DID assault the complainant. He also told me that the things are stupid because they only prohibit you from doing things that ARE ILLEGAL ANYWAY! He told me, “So you can’t ‘harrass, stalk, threaten, or interfere with the property of* your ex’? Well, you can’t do that to ME! I can’t do it to you.”
If I so much as breathe, I get the cops called, because there are TWO orders made against me. There’s the one on paper, and the one in her head. The latter I can beat, but it still means cops beating on my door in front of the neighbours, and all the rest of it. Not to mention the expense.
But although I’ve had several visits from the police, and I’ve had Sheriffs coming with court orders, cops climbing over my fence, and I’ve never even been back to her suburb (let alone her house), apparently she is the one being harassed.
I haven’t seen my son for three months. That’s more expense with the lawyer.
Amicable separation? If you know how to do it, please tell me. I’m at a loss.
I’ve been divorced for two years, and it’s been as amicable as they come. It helps that my ex and I are both generally accomodating, non-confrontational people, and that we love our children (of whom there are four) very, very much.
We never had a courtroom divorce. No lawyers. To determine child support, we went to our state’s website, which had an online CS calculator. We punched in our respective incomes and the number of kids, looked at the resulting dollar amount, and said, “OK.” It helps that I’ve never had cause to suspect her of misusing the CS money, otherwise I’m sure it would be more of a sore spot, since the amount is large.
We’re still good friends, and the weirdness is minimal. We still greet each other with a hug when it’s been a while, and when I flew out to Utah a couple weeks ago to spend a week with the kids, I crashed at her place. It was just the practical thing to do, since it saved money and kept me closer to the children.
I count myself very fortunate to have this situation. I can’t imagine what kind of hell my life would be if she and I hated each other.
I agree that you BOTH need to be very aware of what your “rights” are (for lack of a better word).
For instance I went after a piece of my wife’s retirement fund. At first she was bent out of shape about that. But in our case I used my 401K in part to buy our home. At the time she made far less than I did. When we divorced her income was actually a smidge more than mine. And as it happens both your 401Ks are a marital asset. She calmed down, saw the fairness in it and also learned that it is indeed a marital asset (mine and hers).
There are plenty of resources on the web to inform you and her of what your obligations are (legally). A lawyer would know those even better of course.
I actually walked out of the relationship with the short end of the stick but not horribly so. It was close enough and I still remembered the love I had for her. I was not in to screw her over in this and wanted it to end as peacefully as these ever can.
I would advise taking a shot at an amicable, non-lawyer divorce if you can. Discuss it with her. Point out the rather horrendous costs associated with attorneys…money you’d both probably rather keep not to mention money that can be used to raise your children. Write a contract between the two of you with this understanding. You do not need an attorney to make a binding contract. Pretty much date it and sign it (both of you and twice…one for each) and have it notarized (most offices have a notary or you can pay a tiny fee at most Currency Exchanges for the service) and that is enough. Basically the document should stipulate that neither of you will retain an attorney without notifying the other you have done so and some timeframe for that (notifying you outside the courtroom doors is obviously bogus).
This way you can try to do it on your own and if it doesn’t work you can still opt for the attorneys. As mentioned you might retain an attorney jointly to inform BOTH of you of what your rights are as well as reviewing any final documents you produce and to help you deal with the courts and have that done as it should be (filing papers and so on).
Sorry you are at these crossroads. Sucks to be sure. All the best to you and your family.