Every week I read the police reports in the local paper, and every week there’s something amusing (except for this week…). I keep copies of the best ones, and this one has to be my favorite:
Back when I was in high school we had a weekly neighborhood paper with a Police Beat section. Every once in a while there was something funny in there; mostly we liked to see if we could figure out which entries were about our friends getting pinched for petty vandalism.
I do kind of wish I had seen it the week a guy who lived a couple blocks from me was arrested. If they didn’t chicken out it would have read something along the lines of:
(Way, way, WAY TMI upcoming – you’ll be sorry you read it, I guarantee.)
“A 48-year-old Akron man was arrested and charged with murder. He claimed that his mother had become a ‘zombie vampire’ and that to protect himself and the citizenry he had to kill and dismember her, eat part of her corpse, and engage in sexual relations with other parts. When police entered the home the two shared, the man was found on his bed with some of his mother’s remains, engaging in intercourse with her anus.”
–Cliffy
P.S. True story.
You want amusing police reports? Read the police logs of the Arcata Eye. Hysterically wiseass.
All right, that’s just nasty.
Yes, yes it is. And yet it had to be written…
I used to review accident reports for a County Public Works office ot check for items that the county may need to correct (bad signage, problem roads, etc). Two accident reports stick in my mind.
One was for a woman that struck and killed a deer. The officer listed as the cause of teh accident: “Driver not at fault. Failure of a species to adjust to the influx of civilization.”
The other was for a DUI where the driver tried a three-point turn on a narrow causeway and backed his vehicle into the waterway. On the accident diagram, the officer had drawn a bunch of fish swimming around with bubbles coming out of their mouths.
–Patch
The student newspaper at my college prints a daily police blotter from the campus police. This past Tuesday, one of the incidents detailed in the blotter involved a drunk student who had passed out in front of one of the dorms. A note at the end of the report said, “Information from hospital: the student is OK.” Kinda weird, since you typically never find out what happens to the people in the reports.
Years ago the Downers Grove Reporter’s blotter had the story of a 22 year old man arrested for “inserting his male organ” into the cole slaw at the in-store deli in the K-Mart on Cass Avenue in Westmont…wonder what ever became of the lad?
I saw a police report in the local paper years ago that went something like:
When I as in college the campus newspaper was weekly. Looking at the incident blotter one week, I was stuck by entries from two different days. The first was along the lines of:
Larceny - Small refridgerator stolen from dorm room
In one of the listings a few days later was:
Mischief - Small refridgerator dropped down stairwell
Were they not printed on the same day, I don’t think I would have noticed it.