So, I’m chatting with my friend before church starts. We’re talking about her husband, who’s spent the last few weeks having a series of medical events. She’s already told me, but another person comes in, sits behind us, and asks about him.
“Well, he’s not so good,” my friend says. “The doctors have diagnosed it as lung cancer, and they say they can’t operate.”
“Does he smoke?”
Does he SMOKE? Does he SMOKE!?!?!?!
THAT’S your idea of a compassionate response? ‘I’ll withhold my sympathy until I find out whether or not it’s his own fault’?
As a matter of fact, he used to smoke, and quit a long time ago. Think carefully, now, will you have sympathy for him, or is that his own fault too?
Since that lung isn’t any good to him any more, maybe he won’t mind if I borrow it to BEAT YOU IN THE HEAD!
I’m so sorry that your friend’s husband is ill. And I’m sorry that you and your friend had to run into such an insensitive person at such a difficult time. I have had experience with this as well.
When my Uncle Jerry died at the age of 54, I was telling someone how broken up the family was. The sadness was compounded by the fact that it was completely unexpected (no history that we knew of). Anyway, this person says, “Was he a smoker?” And I responded, “Why? Should his death matter less to me if he was? Should his wife and children not be upset over it because he may have contributed to his failing health? And how would you feel if I said something like that about someone you love?” After that they uttered a weak, “Sorry for your loss” and that was that. I’m sure they learned a lesson in tact that day.
Again, I am sorry that you and your friend had to have this experience. And I am sorry to hear that someone you care about is going through this illness. Take care.
I might have asked that if someone said a friend that I’d never seen smoking had lung cancer. I would be surprised, as in “I didn’t even know he smoked!” Could that be what the person meant?
How are they coping?
How is their partner (if they had one) coping?
How long have they had it?
Do they know how they got it/who they got it from?
Are they likely to have passed it on to anyone?
What treatments are they having?
If I knew you/them well enough, I might ask how long they have to live.
etc…
I’m guessing from your response that you thought I was being harsh in my earlier post. I certainly didn’t mean to appear that way. I just wanted to point out that the persons question doesn’t necessarily mean they were being an asshole. Possibly they were being rude, but I don’t think you can tell from the question. As Zette pointed out, it may have been said in surprise, for example.
On the other hand, if I have misconstrued your meaning, I apologise.
Mr. Why, the question Matt is trying to draw from you is:
Are they gay?
or
Did they do IV drugs?
or
Did they have unprotected sex?
I don’t see how anyone could construe these questions as anything but an attempt to determine fault. How can that not be tactless? (Not that being gay means that AIDS is your fault. But anyone who would ask such a question upon hearing such a thing would probably think it did).
The only thing I can think of is that the friend may be so naive that they don’t know that “inoperable lung cancer” means “painful death sentence”–since 99% of TV cancers are cured, no matter how dire things seem, many people don’t realize how fatal cancer had.
I think it comes from the idea that some people like to say “Well since we don’t smoke, WE will never suffer from THAT!”
(Insert any lifestyle/disease whatever)
What I mean is we are all afraid of disease and death.
So, if we can somehow distance ourselves from the person with whatever medical problem, we can rationalize that we won’t die of that. Which is pure bullshit, but it’s also human nature.
Well, maybe I’m tactless too. If I was told someone had died of lung cancer, I may not ask the question, but it’s still the first question that pops into my head.
I think Klaatu has it. Cancer is a scary thing and hearing that someone has been struck down with it is very frightening. It is a natural reaction to try and rationalize away the fear.
I don’t know that thinking it makes you tactless. I admit that I have thought it as well. In my above example about my uncle, I heard the bad news and immediately thought: He should have quit smoking sooner. I still felt horrible, and I never thought that he deserved to die, but it did occur to me that he contributed to his own failing health. I did not have the bad taste to bring this up to my aunt or my cousins. That would have been insensitive of me.
From the OP, I was inferring that the person who made the “smoking” comment does not know the family well. And in that situation, I feel that it was an insensitive thing to ask.