An apology thread.

I wish to, sincerely, deeply, and truly apologize to the teeming thousands for things that I have said, done, implied, expressed, voiced and typed over my 4000+ posts here at the Straight Dope Message Board.

Most, if not all, of what I have written was done without thinking of how what I produced would affect, for better or for worse, the populace of the boards. All I can say is mea culpa. No, I can do better than that. mea culpa mea culpa.

I am regretful that some here have called me a moist batch of thin French fries and I was displeased. I even went so far as to tell them off. Again, without thinking. I didn’t realize that they were just looking out for me, realizing that I was both dehydrated and needed more carbohydrates in my diet.

Then there’s the issue of the socks. The socks. I wish I could say differently, but I created some socks. All I can say is, truly, from the bottom of my heart, I am repentant and remorseful for what I have done. I never meant them to get as far as they did, but when you pick up crochet and yarn it’s just so difficult to stop. I tried. I really did. But the weaving got into my blood and it just took over.
That’s not an excuse. That’s not a justification. I’m merely explaining so I can finally, truly, get it off my chest.

Once again, I am apologetic. I am in atonement. I am a degenerate. I concede to your discretion. I am raking myself over the coals. I am pleading for your exculpation. I will make any reparations you wish. I can expiate what you want, recompense what you need, and redress what needs redressing.

If I have spoken ill towards you, I am sorry.
If I have spoken in passing towards you, I am sorry.
If I have ever acknowledged you, I am sorry.
If I have made sweet love to you and not gotten your last name, I am sorry.
Whatever I have ever done, I am sorry.

I hope you all can accept this. I know I don’t deserve your sympathy or understanding. But one day, and it may be soon, you may be standing in my shoes. Though right now, I am neither standing, nor wearing shoes, I think the lesson here is clear. I screwed up. I admit it.
Can we now let it go, allow me to move on, and I can continue on with my doping experience?
That is, if the moderators, or administrators, or even Cecil himself, do not wish to do something more drastic than a slap on the wrist. I’m prepared for it all. I accept it all. I know I done bad.

Please everyone, if you accept this apology, just let it go. You don’t need to draw attention to me. That wasn’t my intent at all. It was to apologize. Profusely. And concisely.
I hope I have done so.

You’re a class act.

A real class act. It takes courage to speak out and apologize after all of the abuse you’ve gone through over these small misunderstandings. You’re a strong, strong person.

And good on you for posting here instead of the Pit, where there are hordes of people doing nothing but hitting “refresh” and waiting for you, acid ichor dripping from their ravening fangs. Some people might have posted there and opened themselves to ridicule, but you bravely posted here.

Kudos! Kudos to you, sir! AND Fruit & Nut Bars!

Well I must have missed a memo, because I don’t recall any of the stuff you mentioned.

You’ve always been a good guy, and will continue to be (unless you pit me or something :D) in my book.

My last name is Rabinowitz, you bastard.

[sub]actually it’s not, but then we’ve never made sweet love, either![/sub]


Hmph. You forgot to confess to trolling, too. And kicking small kittens.

I’ll say one thing for you, though – you always brought back pie.

*Youa culpa?

Youa culpa?*

Well, as long as you’re raking yourself.

:: plucks a moist French fry from Enderw24’s head and munches thoughtfully ::

You’re cute when you’ve got a dollop of chocolate on your nose.

Oh Horseshit.
No, seriously, everyone look out!

That’s the best apology I’ve seen here since Wierddave’s first post in this thread:

I thought this was a parody of “I Hate Bad Hair” and her parting paragraphs.

Oh well…whatever it was you did, no biggie. Let’s go have a beer.

I’m sure you’re truly repentant and all, but, um, you know, I didn’t feel it. I mean really feel it. Maybe if you could work up a few tears?

Just a thought…

I apologize for not having done anythng egregious enough to warrant starting a whole thread about it.

Uhhhhhhh… What’s that you say? I did what? and what? and WHAT???

Nonsense, wasn’t me. Must have been Bad-Hair’s sock.

PaperBlob, why did you do that? I come in offering a sincere apology and you have to ruin it by saying someone else has apologized before me. Does that make mine less of an apology? Can you not feel the welling deep within the sub-cochles of my heart? If you prick my keyboard does it not type a letter repeatedly until you stop pricking it?

And message-in-a-bottle, I don’t want another message board. I don’t want to follow someone else’s rules. I love all the administrators and moderators and rules they have here. I love the posters too. It’s just…sometimes you all make me so angry.
No. There I go again, blaiming you all.
It’s my fault. All mine. I’m just stupid.
Maybe I should take a break from the boards for awhile until you guys have all decided whether to forgive me or not.

Moderator’s Notes:
This belongs in the Pit since it’s an unkind parody of a member and her postings. But since that member is an ex-member, I’m justs gonna lock the goddamned thing.