I wish to, sincerely, deeply, and truly apologize to the teeming thousands for things that I have said, done, implied, expressed, voiced and typed over my 4000+ posts here at the Straight Dope Message Board.
Most, if not all, of what I have written was done without thinking of how what I produced would affect, for better or for worse, the populace of the boards. All I can say is mea culpa. No, I can do better than that. mea culpa mea culpa.
I am regretful that some here have called me a moist batch of thin French fries and I was displeased. I even went so far as to tell them off. Again, without thinking. I didn’t realize that they were just looking out for me, realizing that I was both dehydrated and needed more carbohydrates in my diet.
Then there’s the issue of the socks. The socks. I wish I could say differently, but I created some socks. All I can say is, truly, from the bottom of my heart, I am repentant and remorseful for what I have done. I never meant them to get as far as they did, but when you pick up crochet and yarn it’s just so difficult to stop. I tried. I really did. But the weaving got into my blood and it just took over.
That’s not an excuse. That’s not a justification. I’m merely explaining so I can finally, truly, get it off my chest.
Once again, I am apologetic. I am in atonement. I am a degenerate. I concede to your discretion. I am raking myself over the coals. I am pleading for your exculpation. I will make any reparations you wish. I can expiate what you want, recompense what you need, and redress what needs redressing.
If I have spoken ill towards you, I am sorry.
If I have spoken in passing towards you, I am sorry.
If I have ever acknowledged you, I am sorry.
If I have made sweet love to you and not gotten your last name, I am sorry.
Whatever I have ever done, I am sorry.
I hope you all can accept this. I know I don’t deserve your sympathy or understanding. But one day, and it may be soon, you may be standing in my shoes. Though right now, I am neither standing, nor wearing shoes, I think the lesson here is clear. I screwed up. I admit it.
Can we now let it go, allow me to move on, and I can continue on with my doping experience?
That is, if the moderators, or administrators, or even Cecil himself, do not wish to do something more drastic than a slap on the wrist. I’m prepared for it all. I accept it all. I know I done bad.
Please everyone, if you accept this apology, just let it go. You don’t need to draw attention to me. That wasn’t my intent at all. It was to apologize. Profusely. And concisely.
I hope I have done so.