If someone can, please link to the rules of Santarchy from the earlier thread ---- and here’s hoping the links all work right like I typed them.
Basically how this all started, for me, was Her Ladyship wanting me the Hell out of the house so she could do her Christmas cookies and rolls. We belong to several groups of people who like to do silly things and she usually reads the newsletters. So when she came home one Thursday and said “Oh dearest? There is something called Santarchy this Saturday from like 2 to midnight. I’m not sure about it but it seems to involve dressing up like Santa and drinking heavily. You already look like Santa, you have your own Santa suit - why not consider it? I can stay home and bake and wait to post bail; I MEAN PICK YOU UP when its all over.” I love that woman dearly and when she has a good idea its a GOOD IDEA so I broke out my Santa suit and Amished it a little and got set for a good time.
Santarchy started with a certain amount of confusion. A place near the South Side Works shopping district had been picked as a gathering point. Problem was someone in management sent a guard out to chase us away. We were very polite; so much so that the guard clued us in that if we moved to the sidewalks and away from the fountain he couldn’t do a thing to us. So if you happened to be shopping around there 2pm that Saturday, you saw something like this
Santa clearly was going to be a problem; they started singing even before the first drink; right on the steps of a public library. It was that old Holiday favorite:
You better break out - the bourbon and rye
Tequila and gin - I’m telling you why
Santarchy is coming to town
He sees you when you’re naked - and when you’re smoking pot
And when you’re masturbating - even when you cop a squat
Soooooooooooo
Get out of the way of our red-suited wave
Is this any way for St Nick to behave?
Santarchy is coming to town.
There were all kinds of Santas. Santa Elmo led part of the way on his bike. Mexican Santa used all fours. Santa Yoeder (who turned out to look almost as much Jewish as Amish) made friends with a SantaSaurus Rex. And Transvestite Santa just made friends everywhere. It was quite a merry sight to see.
So with that behind us it was off to the Brau Haus for the opening rounds. Several beers and shot-skis there and we were off to the Double-Wide Grill; a bar and grill dedicated to trash living. This may have been the most Santarchaic bar we visited. Santasaurus Rex was showing a little tail , one Santa seemed proud of his snowballs. Santa Yoeder also made several friends. This requires a little explaining; all Santa’s were asked to bring treats to pass out. Something innocent for the kids and something not-so-innocent for adults. Most picked candy canes and other treats for the kids. But for adults the treats ran from jello shots to porn. Yes ------ I said porn. One of the reindeer hit a 79 cent sale on the internet somewhere and had probably 100 porn DVDs to hand out to especially good big boys and girls. Santa Yoeder had several boxes of rather fine cigars; Santa Yoeder became VERY popular as the other Santas learned that.
As you can tell, we really enjoyed the booze and atmosphere at the Double-Wide. Blitzeden, one of our inappropriate reindeer seemed especially at home. Don’t worry - that’s just a Christmas bundle she’s packing next to that six pack of Iron City Beer. This event wasn’t for Santa only; there were some elfs, trees and a passle of reindeer who didn’t ------ how can we say this? Make the cut. from left to right you can see Flasher, Goner (the suicidal reindeer), one of several Vomits (the eating disorder reindeer), Bump the Autistic Reindeer, Adolph the Bigot Reindeer and Prancie the Overtly Gay Reindeer. One her knees is Blitzeden. Poor girl seems to spend a lot of time on her knees - go figure!
Well, Mr Grinch finally said it was time to move on. At that point I have to admit that things get a little fuzzy; but some of that was the company. Imagine yourself getting buzzed and always seeing stuff like this. It’s enough to confuse even a participant. One stop was the Lava Lounge which has this circular pit people can sit in. Transvestite Santa was standing and I couldn’t resist getting this shot. Not that anyone reading this would do such a thing; but you know those Amish Jewish people once they get in their cups. At most stops Lead Santa picked two bars next to each other due to our numbers and differences in smoking preferences. But Santa Yoeder firmly believes that the liver is the root of all evil so he tried to hit each and every bar. With the pace being one “pause” per hour lets just say he enjoyed himself. But with places like this and companions like this how could you help but have fun?
Santa Yoeder bailed around 9pm when the main group of Santas boarded a PAT bus to head for a nudie bar downtown. Several Santas went independent drinking at that point for various reasons. But out of say 150 there were still a fair number left at last call at midnight.
Santarchy, I believe, is a national movement. Most are like Pittsburgh and just silly but Santa has a heart as well and the DC mob did do stops outside a few government buildings. As for ours, no press other than a couple participants also being writers - this really was about the fun and not anything else. Santa tipped well enough and the bar crowds were lighter than usual for a Saturday so the bars and staff loved us. Even the places we did “Drive-by Clausing” took to it well. We walked through a bookstore with a front and rear entrance and we did a David Letterman-like routine ------ how many Santas can you fit into a Scientology Center before the people there ask them to leave. With all the booze and all the hours and all the miles, not an angry word was spoken to or from a Santa - something I am quite proud of.
If your town has a Santarchy, consider joining it next year. And if they don’t, consider starting one. Or getting a ticket to Pittsburgh. Santa Yoeder already has plans cooking around his brain for next year and he’ll welcome the company.
