Somebody should close this thread. Please.
picmr
I thought maybe you meant conundrums
Tuba and Chris,
I know you guys are going to do whatever the heck you want. It’s your life.
Please keep in mind that for the most part these people are trying to share from their life experiences and help you guys not make the same mistakes we/they have.
I am sure that the two of you feel that you love each other very much. But you know what you are IIRC 19 or 20. People change alot after this age and who you are today is not who you are tomorrow. Are you guys in college? What are your prospects for a home? What are you going to do with your lives?
I do not expect an answer to these questions to be posted, but I do really want you to give them some thought.
I go married when I was 22, in retrospect I was too young. Mrs. Trkr and I are very happily married (8 yrs), but it has been hard a lot of times and communication is the only thing that got us through. When I was 21 I could not wait to marry her. I could not stand being apart from her, but finishing up college and having the responsibilities of a wife and a house and cars and everthing is tough.
Chris I know that you told us that you guys know a lot of people that got married even younger than you and are still married. But most of the people that you mentioned are older folks (your parents, aunts, uncles, ect.) It was a bit easier back then. It is tougher now.
You guys can still love each other and do everything together. Just wait till you finish college or get established in a job and can afford to start your lives away from your parents. You will still be together, nothing can tear you apart.
If you do get married. Talk about everything. Communication is not just talking though, it is also listening. You must listen to him, he must listen to you. Do not think about your reply, make sure you are really listening. Never argue about money, that does so much damage to so many marriages. Don’t spend more than the cost of lunch without discussing it. Stick with your budget. Do not use credit cards. (Those things have been a great burden to Mrs. Trkr and me. Believe me, we are still in debt from spending more than we made in our early years.)
My grandfather told me before I got married, “Do not marry the woman you think you can live with, marry the woman you know you cannot live without.” I agree completely.
Remove the word DIVORCE completely from your vocabulary. If he ever hits you or abuses you then he does not deserve to live, but get out of the house. But do not give up just because times are tough, stick it out and grow stronger.
Listen to my words or not, but I really do encourage you to think about them.
And I believe for the most part everyone meant well. They just want to save you the pain they have had.
Jeffery
Whoo, Tubagirl. I admire your candor.
I was a virgin, too (she wasn’t), and your post hit a nerve.
Given a mulligan, I’d probably step off the moral high road and bag some experience before meeting Sarah and continuing along my life.
But once our relationship started, that door shut.
Here’s my advice: Make a decision once and commit to it, as opposed to leaving it open and trying to re-answer it “in the moment”, because if your marriage is at all typical, you’ll have many emotionally-charged opportunities to take dumb action.
Sarah and I started our relationship with stars in our eyes (or groins). You know - heartfelt conversations, romantic evenings, walks on the beach, loads of forgiveness and understanding, selfless devotion, total honesty, and a commitment to stay that way forever.
Don’t we all?
And yet, have you met the couple that’s been able to sustain that euphoria?
Here’s the point:
A successful marriage includes pissed-off, bad-breath, over-stressed, furious-beyond-words moments.
If you rely only on “feels right” for your actions, then you’ll separate, because there are times in every relationship I’ve witnessed that it felt temporarily wrong.
Whether it lasts is gonna be up to you - your actions based on commitment to the relationship itself instead of personal want.
This is one of those times. Commit to the relationship, not your corporeal feel-good or a satisfaction of your curiosity.
BTW, in response to all the recommendations for delaying your wedding, seeking add’l counseling, etc.,:
If folks could accurately predict a couple’s readiness to marry, there’d be a lot fewer divorces.
Commit to only each other, recognize that infatuation’s a poor marriage foundation but a wonderful goal, and work to delight each other.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
Marriage is great. I recommend it.
Interesting. As you can see Tuba, there are a wide variety of opinions.
It’s up to you, but personally, I wouldn’t.
I was not a virgin when I married, and have never regretted any of my pre-marital alliances.
On the other hand, my brother married his HS sweetheart, and to the best of my knowledge, has never been with anyone else.
We both have happy marriages. Take it for what it’s worth.
I just read each post thoroughly (Iknow, I know, but I’m at work).
Tuba, my gut tells me this marriage is over before it got started.
I’ll echo another post. If you still think you want to get married, put it off another year. You’ll save each other mucho heartache, because it’s my opinion that it’ll never come to pass.
I don’t sense a lot of committment from either of you; this is the kind of crap I went through at 16, and I knew it was immature then!
If my fiancee had expressed the same ‘feelings’ prior to our marriage, I’d have shown her my back, and vice versa.
You guys are not in love, you’re in lust. BIG difference.
You know, I really really really wonder what the tone of this thread would have been if the roles of Chris and tubagirl had been reversed and he had been the one curious about other sexual experiences? What’s the word for a man of loose sexual morals?
Just for the record, tubagirl, I think you’re too young, too, and I got married at 21. It’s not good to go into marriage in a state of high drama. It’s a long haul and you have to save your strength for important things. Don’t get carried away just because you have the cake ordered.
As a small sarcastic aside: You can tell a number of the posters on this thread are really guys. They think 15 minutes is a long time.
It could sound] like comdoms if your mouth was full. “Ho’ee gwab uh comdoms.”
One question before you get my 2 cents.
Does this involve a million dollars?
Chiefscott: I’m already involved in a woman, and I do practice fidelity. Second, you’re insulting my principles. I call things as I see them. I’m not saying this to get laid. I believe what you said was overly-mean, and doesn’t belong in MPSIMS. If you don’t think so, fine. You gotta live with your vinegar, not me. Personally, I much prefer honey. It doesn’t attract so many flies, but it does attract good karma. I just think maybe you should spend more time time in the pit, maybe that’ll help you get it out of your system. That is, if you want to get it out of your system.
Besides, if I was angling to get some whoopdy-woo from her, wouldn’t I be trying to convince her not to get married? Use some logic, man.
Everyone else: Why are you all so convinced that this marriage is doomed? They obviously love eachother a lot. And y’know, call me naive, but I think sometimes that’s all you need.
FreakFreely wrote
In spades.
FreakFreely, I don’t mean to be cruel, but it’s clear from your advice on this thread that you’re not in a position to give advice on this thread.
I’m guessing you’re about 17. If not in body, in mind. tubagirl is coming to a big fork in the road of life and is clearly going the wrong way. This isn’t about feelings or true love or any of that crap. It’s about whether a marriage will be together in a year or 50. And don’t call me a cynic about love. I know plenty about love and so do all the other people encouraging tubagirl to take a breather.
I really don’t think you get that your words are encouraging someone to make a big mistake.
Not that it matters, as it’s clear that tubagirl is pretty fixated on her path.
So much for the vacation.
The opinons have been given, the OP has stated her intentions; I see no reason for this to go on. I’m closing this before it becomes even more rancorous.