Who actually makes out in a car for 15 minutes?
Oh yeah, that’s right.
Teenagers.
it seems to me she asked a question, got an answer, and is now crying into her soup when Chief called a spade a spade.
I’m with him 100%. You want sweetness and light? Go to the Precious Moments message board or something.
In my opinion she got what she asked for. Don’t shoot the messenger.
Tubagirl, so many people have already said this but I must chime in: it doesn’t sound like you are really ready to get married.
Frankly, if someone were a virgin or had only slept, so far, with her fiancé, I think it would probably be natural to wonder how it might be to sleep with someone other than that fiancé. What is not natural is to act on it 4 weeks before your wedding - and most definitely not to the point of picking out the person, telling him your plans, and telling the fiancé (!) that, in essence, you plan to “sow your wild oats” before settling down.
In my opinion, people who are ready for marriage and wonder what might have been leave it at that - just a thought that was there and then retired. They have the maturity and commitment to their intended to say, “Well, I sometimes wonder how it would be with another person, but I love _______ so much and I am so ready to be married to him (or her) that I don’t care anymore about how it might be with some other person. That’s not important to me anymore.”
I don’t know how old you are but you sound very young. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you to get married. If you are making plans to have sex with other people this close to your wedding day, some part of yourself is telling the other part that you aren’t ready for a lifetime commitment. If I were you, I would cancel the wedding and take a break from Chris while you do some soul-searching.
Explaining to your guests that the wedding is off is a piece of cake compared to telling your friends and family, and possibly your kids, that you are getting divorced.
Ultress: I made a statement in passing, I did not post something that stood on it’s own. I just mentioned that I thought what he said was mean. I’m sorry if I don’t think it’s right to call someone a slut.
And I didn’t start this argument, they did. Ayesha countered my statement, so I argued it with her. When she stopped arguing with me, I stopped arguing as well. Then ChiefScott picked up the ball, and I ran with it. I was defending a statement I made, and whether it was right or wrong I’ll still defend it. Because I’m a compulsive arguer. And is long as you argue with me, I’ll keep arguing!
And just because what I meant then isn’t what I mean now doesn’t mean that I didn’t mean what I meant when I said it. See what I mean?
In other words, just because I chage my mind, it doesn’t mean I’m wrong. So there.
Speaking of arguing, ChiefScott: I know, I didn’t think that would fly but I gave it a shot. Can’t blame a guy for trying!
My point remains the same. And it’s really very simple. Some times you say some mean stuff. And you shouldn’t say mean stuff, because that isn’t very nice. See what I mean?
(no means were harmed in the making of this post)
Bill H.
Nope, I’m saying she’s ok with what happened, he’s ok with what happened, so why aren’t you? It was probably a bad thing to do. But, no hurt, no foul.
Can we put this bickering to rest please?!?
Thank you FreakFreely for trying to stop the name calling but since my OP was mis-inturrpeted by many of the posters I don’t think it is worthy of fighting for days about.
Yes, I agree I may appear to be a ‘woman of loose morals’ as Chief says. I don’t have to agree with him. One’s morals may not live up to anothers. I think sharing it with my SO and having his opinion weighed into my decisions overode this.
It may not have been the greatest idea to ask for advice but to have looked into myself for the decision. I think a lot of people have mistook not being ready for commitment, with pre-wedding jitters.
When I discussed this with a few of my close friends, not one of them suggested I not marry the man I love. They all agreed I shouldn’t do though. There was no name calling and they understood what I was thinking and going through.
But I suppose it is hard to get to know someone through a mere 100 posts on a message board. Perhaps if someone else had posted this my reaction would be similar to the others stated above. I would like to restate that I am not a slut. I have never gone ‘sleeping around’. I take my relationship with Chris very seriously. We are very open with one another. We tell each other everything. When a niggle of a thought crosses my mind, I usually share it with him. I think that is why he was open to the idea in the first place. We are each others best friends.
We place sex and love apart from one another. Yes sometimes sex is a result of love, but sometimes it is recreation. I don’t want to appear as though I am going to go ahead with this thought. I regret the ‘car encounter’ but I don’t think it has vastly changed anything in our relationship/ he klnows I love him. He knows I am committed to him and he knows I would never leave him or cheat on him in marriage.
The reason I was crying yesterday was not my guilt and impresions of my self, but the opinions of some carelessly thrown out on me. It upsets me to think people think of me so badly. I never meant to be told what a ‘slut’ and ‘whore’ I am. I have those thoughts already in my mind.(southern Baptist upbringing)
I hope I have gotten my feelings on the situation through and have stated it effectively enough to ward off unwanted critism.
Thank you for the heartfelt posts from the posters who put the time and thoughtful points into there thought. I definitly think Chris and I are going to see a counselor about this before and after the wedding. I think I need to sort out my feelings and self-esteem problems. CHris is open to it and I’m going to go for it. As for children, there wont be until we are ready to adopt because I can’t have them without medical intervention. So our kids wont be involved in this for some time.
Thank you again
tubagirl
I’m glad to hear that tubagirl. I wish you the best of luck in the journey ahead of you.
No kidding. I hope you guys have years and years of bliss.
tubagirl, I don’t believe you heard a word that anyone said here. Well, except for that one word.
You are making a mistake. A big one. It’s not too late to change your mind. You can still love Chris and put the wedding off for a year.
What I’m saying is that I was told it was alright by my fiance. I didn’t get carried away because of the respect I have for Chris. And I realized that it was a mistake and have decided tha I don’t need to have sex with another man…
What more do you want me to say. That I’m breaking off the wedding to the man I love because I kissed another man. If that is the way you think than I don’t know if you’ve ever loved someone enough to be forgiving. I am absolutly sure that I am ready to get married. i think i am the only one who can ascertain this.
I’ve asked Chris wether he has any hesitations in marrying me after these recent events and he has said he doesn’t. I know I don’t want to postpone the wedding either. I have heeded ALL the comments on this board and am taking every one at full value.
As I said, we will see a counselor before we say “I Do” and sort out any feeling that have been trampled on.
tubagirl
Tuba-baby, you’re golden!
I will second that. I think you went through a lot with this and that you have come in a long way. I wish you the best in your marriage.
My opinion wasn’t carelessly “thrown out.” It was thoughtfully, carefully crafted and then posted. I stand by my opinion.
I noticed how “kissing and stuff” is now been downgraded to just “kissing.”
I do wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide. I gotta admire yer balls, too. If my ex had told me she wanted to make out with a guy for 15 minutes four weeks prior to our marriage, I would have dropped her then and there for even suggesting such a thing.
I’m glad your are getting what you need.
p.s. – Does it seem to anybody else that FreekyFool is angling for his own 15 minutes of shame?
tubagirl says
Yeah, well I can’t blame them. Either:
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You are getting a real prince;
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He feels too emasculated to confront you or even his own natural reactions to your ‘indecent proposal;’ or
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He is a pretty dim bulb.
Whichever, I can see why you are being advised to marry him. You’ve got nothing to lose at this point. What I can’t understand is why he still wants to marry you.
At one point in my life I would have taken anything from a woman (I did, actually; much to my detriment), but there comes a time when one has to look at a situation and say, “I’m not going to put up with this.”
A lot of men would have reached that point with you already. My reaction would have been the same as ChiefScott’s above. “And don’t slam the door on the way out.”
Maybe you have righted the ship. I hope for Chris’s sake you have. Because, mark my words, if you have not, one day Chris will wake up and realize he was kidding himself for agreeing to put up with your little experiment. Whether it actually played out to the hilt is rather a moot point; your intentions were pretty clear.
Eh, fuck it. Get married now.
The institution’s pretty much run into the ground by most who enter into it now, anyway.
Just live a trial-and-error life. Give it a whirl. If it doesn’t work out, bail, and move on to the next.
Fidelity only matters with stereos anymore. If you see something you want, take it, go for it.
Maybe you each can do somebody you’ve had your eye on in the same room, while gazing at one another and telling each other how perfect your love and relationship is.
Or, maybe you can go the Bill Clinton, moral relativist route. Stick to fellatio and cunnilingus. That’s not even sex. Then you’re never cheating!
Just remember, there’s no “right” and “wrong.” Everybody can and should do anything they think and want, because everybody’s entitled to their opinion. And nobody gets hurt.
Ho give it a rest, all of you!
Tuba, how can anyone mis-interpret: "
Here is sone advice you can actually USE!!!
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When you get married, (and you will, because god knows telling you not to will only make you more determined!) Put some of the cash you get as gifts away for the lawyers retainer. Put it into an investment account, or a sock in a drawyer, but save it, you will need it.
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Do not get pregnant. Use at least 2 forms of birth control, especially when you are having sex with strange men. I recommend depro-provera (injections every 3 months) for birth control, and use comdoms for disease prevention.
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Do not have sex with Chris’s relatives, co-workers, or friends, it will make the divorce messy.
Everyone makes mistakes, follow the above advice and your mistakes wont ruin your life or anyone elses.
None of this advice was meant in a snide way, I really mean what I say, please do these things to protect yourself.
Huh, a chunk of my post was missing.
The question was : how can we misinterpret the op: “I am getting married in 4 weeks, and I want to have sex with another man.”
And I meant condoms, not comdoms.
Tuba did state:
This was exactly what I told her, so she did take some advice.
I truely believe that this is at the heart of her original inquiry. The prior thread she started had to do with if men would still be attracted to her/flirt with her after she gets married. I don’t think this is because she’s a slut, but because she has terrible self esteem and craves male attention/affection to feel good. Some counseling about this will do her a world of good, in my opinion.
Zette
Not sure I’d consider it a sign of the potential health of the union that you consider counseling necessary before marriage. Oh yeah - I forgot. It just gets easier.
tubagirl and Chris, you should certainly feel free to devise whatever fidelity rules you see fit for your marriage. But a brightline rule of “no extramarital sex (and kissing and stuff for 15 minutes in a car)” does have ease of application.
And should you change your views down the road, such groundrules can be renegotiated. If your views become such that you have grown apart, well, there is life after divorce.
Too late, kellibelli. I think tubagirl’s experiment-guy was her co-worker. Do you mean Chris’s co-worker?
BTW I noticed nobody picked up on what Chris said:
Chris – are you SERIOUSLY saying that the situation quickly ramped up to a possible rape situation that tubagirl had to tear herself away from? If this is the case, is she pressing attempted rape charges, or minimally sexual harassment charges? Or do you mean that she wasn’t expecting a 19-year-old boy to get horny so fast and to want to get into her pants much sooner than she felt she was ready? Or at some point in those 15 minutes did she come to her senses and realize she was doing something wrong?