I yam, what I yam.
But I’m also not in a relationship, planning on getting married or have ever “kissed and stuff” for 15 minutes just prior to a marriage while I was in a comitted relationship.
I am also probably a dickhead, but everyone already knows that!
tubagirl, you have a lot of growing to do. You say
You actually don’t get that you didn’t call it off, but rather acted on it. The bullet has already left the gun. You cheated on your fiancee only weeks before you are to be married. And you refer to love in the same sentence! Are you really incapable of seeing how bad this is?
Has it occurred to you that when perhaps 50 people on this thread almost without exception are shocked at your behavior that just maybe there’s something you should re-evaluate? Do you really believe all these people are evil cretins? Is it possible that they really have a valid viewpoint that you should consider?
Okay, going by most people’s definition of a slut “Someone who is sexually-easy”, you’re wrong. She’s not easy, she never even had sex with anyone other than her fiance, and doesn’t plan to.
Going by your definition “A woman of loose morals” it becomes tricky because it’s all subject to perspective. By my system of morals, she didn’t do anything wrong, because she never lied.
But none of that matters. What matters is, you said something that was deliberately hurtful to someone who was asking for help. And more importantly someone who just didn’t deserve it. You had no reason to say she was a slut. It didn’t help anything. You caused her needless pain.
Just ease up a bit, big guy. That’s all I’m sayin’.
First, I don’t believe being “easy” has anything to do with it. She fooled around with someone else while in a committed relationship.
Second, she meets the defenition in my mind.
Third, you say “she didn’t do anything wrong, because she never lied.” Oh if only we all could live in this utopian world in which you apparently reside. “Honey, I fucked the secretary today. But it’s OK 'cause I told the truth about it.”
Fourth, You said, “What matters is, you said something that was deliberately hurtful to someone who was asking for help.” Again, she wasn’t asking for help. She, in her own words, asked for “Advice” and “Opinions.”
I gave her both.
Fifth, if there wasn’t the hint of truth in what I said, she wouldn’t be hurting at all. She is hurting 'cause she did something wrong which hurt Chris. If she, and you, can’t handle that fact and want to dump it all on me – Go right ahead. I didn’t cause her pain, I merely told her that her actions now make her a slut – by dictionary definition. I then said her actions were slutty because you didn’t like me being directly.
I know I haven’t done anything wrong 'cause I don’t feel remorse, pain or hurt.
Sixth, Freak you apparently just don’t get it. She hurt him. I don’t feel sorry in the least. She did it after asking for advice and ignoring it. She should have know what some of us would think of her.
And to ease up a bit…
I tire of the semantical games you are playing. She asked for advice. She didn’t follow it. She followed a base urge in order to make herself feel better, justifying it in her mind by saying she needed to be sure. She acted. She told Chris. She hurt someone. She now feels guilty. You now blame me for the hurt she is feeling.
I still say she acted like a slut and that you now condone those actions. I’ve said my piece…
And… I’m spent.
I’m not saying you caused all of her pain, but you obviously caused some small portion of it.
Ok, I say you gave her a deliberate insult, you say you gave her an opinion. So let’s compromise, you gave her a deliberately insulting opinion. There were much better words to use, why did you choose the word “slut”? I mean, if this were the pit it would be one thing. If she had said something to deserve that, it would be one thing. But that was out of line.
And yes, she was asking for an opinion, she was asking for advice. But you gave no advice and a useless opinion. I mean, if I’m asking you how to fix a chair, I don’t need you to tell me “That chair fuckin’ sucks!”
And this isn’t the first time you’ve said needlessly mean things. Hell, during the first interaction I had with you you insulted me right off the bat. And for no good reason! But it didn’t hurt me. I just shrugged it off. Well, after a few minutes of fuming that is.
Now, at that point I thought you were just an asshole. But, since then I’ve seen that you do have a heart. And you’re pretty cool. But sometimes you slip out of the gruff-but-warm-hearted-guy-zone and right down into asshole.
And also, well, I can’t help but notice that your harshness level seems to increase when you’re dealing with someone who’s relatively new compared to the other SDMB veterans here. And while I shrugged it off, someone else might get really hurt by it. Sure, I call you an asshole. But you’re tough, you can take that shit. But you can’t assume everyone else is as tough as you. Especially since this ain’t the pit, this is where the dainty flowers hang.
That’s all I have to say. And of course, this ain’t the voice of GaWd here, so heed my words at your own discretion.
You say I never posted advice.
The above comes from the first page of this thread. Before she went out and fooled around on Chris.
Two other previous posts stated “Don’t fuckin’ do it.”
If you are going to defend a position, ensure you’ve got yer duckies in a row. You come off looking like a jackass when you state something which can be proven as patently false.
(I didn’t call you a “jackass,” I said you “look like a jackass,” so don’t go off in a snit. Besides I admitted to it so it’s not wrong.
God, you crack me up!)
I didn’t say you never posted advice, I said that when you call someone a “slut” that’s not advice. FWIW, I actually agreed with your earlier post. But once she already did the act, and all is well. What’s the point of name calling?
“God, you crack me up!”
Gee, thanks, I think…
FreakFreely wrote
Please explain the logic here. Are you really saying, “She cheated on her fiancee, therefore everything’s ok”?
Again, jackass, your words come back to haunt you (from just up this page),
Ya know, to this untrained eye, it kinda looks like you did say I gave no advice.
Dolt.
Chief you should just give it up. You can’t deal with this guy rationally. He has tunnel vision and you can’t get someone like that to see anything but his point. As long as you respond to his posts, he will keep going. It’s evident to everyone that he is not worth the effort. Course he’d be good over in GD.
Roger that, ultress.
I anticipate your 1,000 post party today. You’d best be naked by the time I show up!
Life is too short to hang round wondering what to do. Go for it girl, do what makes you happy! Life is an experence, so make the most of it 
Just be happy with yourself and don’t go on a huge guilt trip.
Adalente!
DO NOT MARRY. to young. It is said, and in my life Ihave noted, that by the age of thirty you will regret more the things you havent done than the things you have. Explore life. Chris and you have a long life in front of you. If you love each other it will last the test of time.
it’s not worth it for this reason…
people change. Chris might seem to be understanding, probably is, but the knowledge of the event (if you go through with it) will stay in the back of his head, where it will fester and decay.
He will bring it up at any time, for the remainder of your life toghether in order to achieve the upper hand, I have hand baby!.
It could potentially ruin your marriage in a couple of years…
Hi honey, I’m home!
hey, how was the sex?, was he as good as me?
my 2 cents
ps…if you’re not sure anymore…don’t get married, the insecurities will return at a later date…I promise this.
live life, get everything out of your system till you’re sure. Break it off, don’t see each other for a while, think about things…then re-evaluate.
if you both ain’t sure…your marriage is going to be a living hell.
mine?, well it’s bilss, you know 
Aphotic said: "Life isn’t simple Life is too short to hang round wondering what to do. Go for it girl, do what makes you happy! Life is an experence, so make the most of it Just be happy with yourself and don’t go on a huge guilt trip.
Adalente!"
What a load of crap. The idea that one should be faithful in an engagement/marriage IS a simple one (perhaps not always easy to do…but not a complex idea)
I hope I’m never on the same highway with a moron who thinks that you can do whatever makes you happy without care for consequences.
Its like a fricken broken record…tubagirl stated her intentions and asked for feedback from the SDMB, many (if not most) people she does not know. She got advice and opinion…apparently advice and opinions that she (and a few others) think is too harsh, or unkind…someone compares this issue with advice on fixing a broken chair…
This is nuts…her question was loaded with moral and ethical implications…the answers (at least for the most part) seem to reflect that…I probably would not have phrased an answer the way Chiefy did…but then again I dont have brass balls:) I can’t argue with the main thrust of his point…makes sense to em.
Tuba,
Based on this thread and your prior “pre-wedding” thread, my advice is to postpone this wedding. You have a strong need to be sexually wanted, flirted with, and desired by men other then your future husband. It’s just immaturity (sorry, but it is), and a few years of dating will likely get it out of your system. Don’t inflict your low self esteem issues on this poor guy. He has no clue how hard it’s going to be being married to you.
Sorry to be harsh, but it’s the truth. Having other men flirt with you/ want to have sex with you is not part of marriage. Ever.
Zette
I did not have sex with that woman. Ms. tubagirl.
The argument is familiar. Perhaps the definition of cheating, *as she understands it[/] only involves the insertion of a penis into a vagina, not tongue into mouth, hands on genitals, you name it.
::puffing on a cigar, contentedly::
Tubagirl,
I cannot stress enough that Zette is correct.
The desire to be WANTED by another does not go away with a one nighter. It usually goes away after 18 or 20 months of an affair that you just have to stop because you feel overwhelming guilt about it. Even then you still feel a need to be wanted, but now you want to be wanted by your mate (who you just got finished cheating on), and he/she has trouble wanting you more because you just proved you wanted them less by being with another.
And while youre doing it with your lover, you wonder how much better it would be if you really did love them…
Then your mate can never really forget that you did this and they never stop doubting your commitment to them and they always wonder if you will be leaving today or tomorrow.
And no matter how great the sex is (and believe me the forbidden sex is so incredible you will want to tell everyone how great it is just because it was so great, hell you’ll want to tell your children!) it NEVER makes up for how really really awful you feel for YEARS afterward for the whole messy disgusting horrible mess.
And when you see your lover at work tomorrow will you be wondering how good it would feel to just slip your hand… “STOP that thought, I’ve got to get back to work!” You’ll never get away from these thoughts until you lover leaves that job and you feel like there is a part of you that is dying as they drive away and you never see them anymore, and that feels like crap too.
And you can never (no, not even ten years) hear the name of that person (that you had that HOT fucking sex with) in the presence of you mate, without feeling a little awkward, and wondering if you really mean what you say.
And you can’t really discuss all of these crappy thoughts and feelings with your mate 'cause they won’t really get it because they didn’t have an affair and they don’t have all the sympathy you wished they had for you 'cause they aren’t really very happy about you having that fling anyway.
And you’ll never really get over breaking the commitment you made (before/after marriage, no difference) and it never stops hurting a little every day.
So don’t get married until you really mean it. Don’t get married until your mate IS your lover. And when they ARE you lover the sex is so much better than the forbidden affair sex that you’ll wonder what the hell you were thinking.
I would gladly pay for rescheduling you wedding if I could really undo my mistake.
Sorry, can’t help it.
[slight hijack]
AAAAAAAUUUUGGHHHHH!!!
HIM!! HIM!! Let HIM who is without sin/slut cast the first stone!!
I hate when people screw up nominative/objective case. [/hijack]
As to the issue at hand, even though I’m a little late, as somebody who was almost the “other man” in a very similar situation, It’s a good thing you decided not to do it. I sort of had an affair with a girl I work with, about 2 months before her wedding.
Well, that’s not true. We did have an affair. She claimed that she didn’t want to stay with him, that she wanted me, that she wanted us to ahem “hook up”, etc. The fiancee is a nice enough guy, though they are both immature and neither is ready for marriage. Anyway, even for the third party, emotions were running high and hot, and even though no sex ever took place, there was quite a bit of inappropriate behavior (“making out and stuff”) between us.
Now, what started out as a really strong, close friendship has become a very uncomfortable situation where we don’t e-mail, speak, or even acknowledge each other. It’s a bad scene.
But I have to agree with everybody else and say that if you can be tempted in that way by somebody else, you are NOT ready to get married.
Keep off the grass.