An indecent proposal... ooohh look!!!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m down to 4 weeks until the big day… my wedding.

Chris and I met 2 years ago. We were virgins when we met. A month later we were sleeping together and haven’t stopped since. I love him with all my heart and soul. he is completely commited to me and would never ever cheat on me. he pampers me, appeases me, bends over backwardas for me
but…

Here is the dilemma.

In 4 weeks we will be married. I believe that after we are married, fidelity is key to a relationship. We have never cheated or attempted to.

But I’m curious. I want to know wether sex with anyone else is vastly different than sex with Chris. I don’t want to get married without knowing and satiating that curiousity.

I have a co-worker, he is the same age as me and is very very sweet. I would definitly have a crush on him if it weren’t for chris. he also likes me but respects tyhat I am taken.

I have spolen this over with Chris and my co-worker and both sides are agreeable to me having my one and only time of indiscretion. Chris doesn’t want a threesome though. My co-worker is more than willing to show me the prowess of other men

But will I ruin my relationship? Will it be worth the experience? Should I do it? Chris says he would rather I do that regret not doing it. He will not break up with me and will not be angry.

Please give me as much advise as possible and all opinions.
I have to make a decsion soon…

tubagirl

2

I would not do it personally.
I am not saying you should or should not. Just that I personally would not.

Osip

3

Many people would consider it a great blessing to have had just one loving partner all their lives. Don’t do this.

Catrandom

4

Wow, I must say that you have AMAZING communication abilities with your sweetheart. If nothing else, that in itself will get you through your marriage.

Now, about your delemma, what does your heart say? Have you asked yourslef all the possible questions and thought of all the senarios? How would you feel if it was reversed and your fiance wanted to experiance another woman? What happens if you do not do it and regret it in ten years? I know that it is a terrible delemma. Unfortunately, no one but you, deep within yourself has the answer for any of this. You have to make the decision because you, not any of us, have to live with your decision. We can only give advice and listen to you. Look deep, deep within yourself and find the answers within your heart.

I had to ask this question once too, the question of fidelity and what is right for me. My father does not believe in monogamy and so I grew up with it being okay to experiment and have multiple partners (he was upset when I entered a monogamus relatioship :confused: ) But, I decided for me I am happy with one partner. But YOU have to decide for you, I can’t stress that enough.

Good luck.

5

Don’t do it. Nothing good could possibly come about as a result of it.

Let’s say the sex is great. Wouldn’t that be enough to want to explore in greater detail? Might that be enough to seriously question, if not call off your decision to marry Chris so as to allow you to really see what’s out there?

Let’s say the sex is awful. I would think you’d be wracked with guilt to the point of wondering why you ever decided to go through with this little stunt. More importantly, you’d be planting the seeds for an enormous wedge that could cause some serious harm down the road.

I really don’t think it’s worth it.

6

Not really any of my beeswax, but if you are having thoughts like that, then don’t get married yet. You haven’t even hit the wedding and you are considering cheating? Postpone until you have had a chance to think it over. If your SO really has no problem with it then he is crazy. Although it often gets taken overboard with guys, jealousy is one of the biggest indicators of love, and if he is perfectly fine with you sleeping with someone else, then he has serious confusion as well.

7

Tubagirl,

I am married. I was not a virgin when I met my husband so maybe I can’t see exactly where you are coming from. We have been married for almost 2 years now and things are less than great in our relationship. He would never be as understanding as your Chris seems to be, and this is where I am getting to the point of my post…

I work with a guy who I am attracted to and he is attracted to me. We flirt like crazy ALL the time, so bad that people have told us to get a room! Well we have and now I find myself in an odd situation. I like this guy, we are great friends and I truely believe that will not change. What has changed is me. I don’t expect people to understand this but I do not feel the tiniest bit of guilt for having sex with this man. The fact is I am glad I did. The thought of my husband being the last man for me is absurd, and I used to believe it was forever, now I do not.

Your Chris may be able to say he understands and would forgive you and not be mad, but how are you going to feel after? How can you know Chris will still be the only man for you for the rest of your life? I stood before God, our families and friends and pledged my life to one man… but things change. Life is not simple, decisions are not simple…if you are sure Chris is the man for you then you need to really think hard about why you are considering doing this. Can you live with yourself after you do this? How would you react if he was the one who wanted to have sex with another woman? Could you be as understanding?

Just something to think about.

8

tubagirl,

ambivalent response here I’m sorry to say.

I’m pleased you discussed it honestly and theoretically you’ve done the right thing and if Chris is okay with it then explore the feelings.

However the reality may be different. Is Chris really okay with this? Will this come back at you? What if Chris decides in a few years he’d like to ty someone else? What if the experience is truly fantastic (and significantly better than Chris)?

I suppose we could hypothesise indefinitely, but it comes down to how Chris feels. How would you feel if Chirs had come to you witht he same proposition? Probably understanding but would it bother you at all - even a tiny bit.

I’m a strong advocate of honesty and have been in a few open (and very honest) relationships but my gut feeling here is for you to think twice and tread very carefully.

Good luck.

9

The following may sound harsh. I’m certain it does sound harsh. It is harsh. Please do not take it personally unless you recognize it as true. Otherwise feel free to skip to the next reply.

  1. This could also turn out to be a test.[ul]Consciously or not, your prospective husband might be waiting to see if you will be faithful to him. If you take him up on the offer to go experiment with this other guy he might suddenly start wondering if that one experience was enough for you.

Even if you try this other guy out and rule in favor of your fiancé, you will have planted a weed in your marital garden. You said “Yes” when he proposed, and you’re still not sure. How, then can he be certain you are really sure, and not just keeping quiet because you don’t want to upset him?[/ul]

  1. He (your fiancé) is a doormat.[ul]He’s so afraid he could lose you, he will grant permission to do anything if it will keep you in his life (been there, done that). If this is the case, you will be hurting him and your relationship. If this is what prompted him to agree to the “arrangement”, the both of you need counselling, not sex with another man.[/ul]

  2. He isn’t marrying you for love, and doesn’t care whether you sleep with another man.[ul]I believe this is an irrational rationale for such an agreement, but it’s irrational for a groom-to-be to agree to such an arrangement.[/ul]

In any case (and I’m certain there are other possibilities), by agreeing to such an arrangement, you will be sending the signal that you aren’t sure you want him to be your one-and-only. Why, then, are you even considering marriage? Surely it isn’t for the tax break? Are you certain you aren’t just trying to find an alternative for finding a job, getting an education, and taking care of yourself?

Is he marrying you because he loves you or because you are his first lay, and he’s afraid you are the only one who will ever want to have sex with him? Are you marrying him because he asked and you didn’t want to hurt his feelings by saying “no”? That isn’t committment, that’s cowardice.

It sounds to me that you are not sure you will be satisfied with your prospective husband. Have you discussed the matter with him at all (apart from arranging a “session” with this friend from work)? If you have children, will you borrow other people’s children to see if they’re better than what you got?

If you aren’t certain about your fiancé, then you don’t need to be married yet. You need to figure out what’s important to you. Apparently he isn’t as important as you’d like him to be, or you wouldn’t be checking out the competition to see if they are any better candidates. If you’re not auditioning replacements, then what are you doing?

As far as sex goes, men are interchangeable. Every man who is worth his salt is potentially a fantastic lover. Any dick will do, as long as he gets plenty of encouragement and coaching from the only expert on what rings your bells – you. If your man loves you, is a good, decent person – considers not just what’s good for you, but what’s best for the both of you – the sex will be good too, and it will not be the only thing that matters. It (sex) will have an honored place among all the blessings of a good relationship (love, trust, caring, etc.)

My opinion: at a time when you and he should be working to forge strong bonds of love and trust, you seem to be breaking out the cutting torch to test what little you have already. Do not be surprised if he cools to the idea of marriage, or if his trust in you is lessened.

~~Baloo

10

I can understand your viewpoint, tubagirl. Really. But it is such a bad idea. Maybe I am a hopeless romantic, but I CANNOT see how this would help the relationship, only that it would hurt it whether the sex was good or bad. I vote no, but hey it’s your life.

Maybe I’m a crackhead, but I would be insulted if my husband-to-be said I could have sex with some random guy. In fact, I would be pissed if he were not wildly insanely jealous.

Did ya see the movie, by the way? Things did not go well, remember?

Whatever your decision, good luck and congrats on the upcoming wedding.

11

NO! Bad idea. Especially this close to the wedding. Especially with Chris knowing about it.

12

Hmmm, this reminds me of some other conundrum in literature but I can’t remember the specifics right now. Anyway, I would advise against it. First off, I would think the only reason to experiment with other people would be to find your one-and-only. I think that meaningless sex, just to see what it would be like, is a bad idea. You’ve found someone and are very, very fortunate in that regard.
Now, I don’t know you that well, just what i know from your posts, and I don’t know the other people that you talked about in the OP but here’s some possibilities. Some guys say one thing and mean another. I don’t know Chris, but maybe he says yes but would feel resentful after you’d gone through with it. Or maybe you’d feel resentful that he’d let you go through with it. Or maybe having experienced that with another man, you’d feel differently about the wedding. I’m not saying any of this would happen, but there are dangerous possibilities when you play with feelings. Now you might say it wouldn’t be like that, but you never can tell until it’s too late. The other thing you should ask yourself, would you really be that fulfilled by this? I’m not sure if I’ve repeated stuff from other posts, but I thought I might as well give you my advice.
In the end, however, the decision is all yours. Follow your heart, and you’ll figure it out.

13

What Baloo said is true. Especially #1.

If you love this man, please rethink this idea.

Marriage is so much more about trust than sex. If your sex life with your current SO is as good as it sounds, you are risking that trust by doubting that the sex could be better if you had something to compare it to.

Don’t do it, or put your marriage off until you are sure you want to be with this one person for the rest of your life.
Best wishes in either case.

Scotti

14

tubagirl,

Very bad idea. What if you develope more than just a friendly feeling for this guy ? It has been known to happen.

Sex is a very intimate act, you don’t want to cheapen it just to see what someone else is like. I have had sex with men I wasn’t in love with, it wasn’t worth it. Sex without emotion is not something worth having for me. You may be different.

In the end, the choice is yours, and you will be the one who has to live with it. But if you do it, don’t be surprised if Chris can’t handle it afterward, he may say he doesn’t mind at this point.

I haven’t known many men who were really ok with sharing that way. I have known some who thought they could, but when it happened, they walked. I have know others who could handle it, but they almost always did a pay back sooner or later.

If Chris let you know he wanted to have sex with another woman now, or even after the wedding, how would you feel ? If you do this, will you be able to tell him he can’t ?

It may not cost you your relationship with Chris, then again it very well may.

If you are that eager to find out what another man is like, maybe the wedding should be put off, so you and Chris can take a bit more time to date other people and be sure beyond a doubt about this marriage.

I just don’t see anything good coming from this.

JMHO

15

Don’t do it. I would even say that the fact that you are considering this would be a sign to not go through with the wedding. Why? because, as far as I am concerned, marriage is a step to taken in a relationship AFTER you have been committed to another person. IF you are prepared for marriage, the IDEA of having sex with another person (and I mean the actual planning of it as a probably reality, not merely fantasizing or what have you. There is a difference) should not enter your mind. I have been married for abotu a month now to a girl I had dated for over 5 years. After about 2 years, I stopped considering the idea of sexual relations with another human being. I didn’t stop fantasizing or looking at other girls (I’m not dead!), but I no longer desired actual sexual contact with anyone but my now wife. I’m not saying that you SHOULD NOT get married, but I do side with all of the people who say this is a BAD IDEA and a BAD SIGN for the health of yoru relationship.

Marriage should not be a major change in a romantic relationship, it should be a public confirmation of a state of comittment already in place between two people.

16

Just my opinion, but… if you are thinking about having sex with another man, especially this close to your wedding, you arent ready to make the commitment of marriage. It seems that you still have things you would like to see, try, experience, so why short change yourself or for that matter Chris by going into a marriage when you may not be ready? Why start your life together with him knowing that you wanted to sleep with another man. Chris may give his approval now, but to me that breaks the commitment of trust and will he ever totally trust you after that?

I wish the best for you.

17

Sweet lord! You are not ready to get married. At least put off the date for a year.

And this line about “you’ve got great communication skills” is malarky. No man wants to hear that his bride-to-be wants to sleep around a few weeks before the wedding.

18

Probably going to regret this, but…neither one of you are ready to get married.

There are open marriages, where outside sexual experimentation of built in. And a few–a very few, in my experience–are quite solid. Because the inevitable consequence of experimentation is consequences. “Recreational” sex and “what if” forays push the envelope, because no matter what, the boundaries of the realtionship are called into question.

Commitment ain’t always easy. A lot of times it is, and a joy to boot. But the hard times will come. Where are your boundaries drawn? Infidelity is easy to bandy around as a word, but unions of hearts and minds usually extend to bodies as well. Exactly what are either of you bringing to this union that’s unique to the two of you?

Attractions? Part of living; won’t stop and shouldn’t. Where do you draw the line? What is the qualitative difference between your actions/emotions inside or outside of the relationship? I mean the real skinny. Is it okay to have impulsive sex? What about sex w/ someone who’s a friend? Only okay if the attraction/impulse = what?

Don’t say the words if you don’t mean them. No harm, no foul in waiting. But don’t go into it at all if you can’t find at least the essentials to base it on.

Veb

19

Hi Tuba,

Normally, I wouldn’t barge in on a personalish message written by someone I don’t know, but this one couldn’t be left with no response.

I’ll tell you right now, NO MAN no matter how hard he tries to, will respect this sort of action. NO MAN will be able to forgive you afterwords, no matter what he says before. That he says he doesn’t mind that you would do it is either a) he doesn’t love you quite as much as he says or b) He is so afraid to lose you that he will let you do anything. Regardless of which one it is, any action by you is going to errode your relationship, and will eventually destroy it. The action of THINKING about it will do this. Chris is going to have to be mighty loving to forgive the very suggestion of this action.

All relationships are based on trust and fidelity, not just intimate ones. A break in that trust will rip apart any relationship.

If you have any love for Chris, do not do this. It will ruin both of you. It will also ruin or badly damage any friendships you have. I could never trust anyone who could inflict that sort of damage on another person. The thought sickens me – literally. I actually feel ill at the thought of someone cheating on somebody they love. Even if you ASK first, it’s still cheating.

I’m working myself into a state, so I’m going to end this before I have to run to the bathroom and puke.

Sorry to be so forceful, but this is something I feel VERY strongly about.

Please, please, please don’t do this, and maybe you’ll be able to salvage your life together.

-niggle

20

my apologies for this, i feel horrible telling you how i feel about this even though you’ve asked the forum, but…

if you do this, you are ruining yourself and your relationship with your soon to be husband forever.
If you feel you are not ready for this marriage, you had best discuss this with Chris in more detail. He will be so ruined by this if you do this, whatever he says. And you’re lack of faith here, because that is what it is, shows you are not even sure of what your love for him even is. I feel angry even thinking of what you might do to this man. If you know he is so committed to you, and in love with you, and if you feel the same way for him, what in the world would even tempt you to want to try with someone else? Do you honestly want to set yourself up for failure? What would you do if you found out you liked it better with this other guy than with Chris. And i find it reprehensible that this co-worker of yours would even agree to it, that makes him all the more scum. Chris doesn’t want to lose you, and you still question whether you should do it? You answered yourself already, and what you are doing now is asking for justification in your wanting to do this. It isn’t right only because it hurts someone else. What you do to yourself is your business, but don’t hurt Chris like this, you will regret that. Being a free spirit and a lost spirit are two different things. Free is still responsible. Lost, is immature. Be considerate of those around you, resolve this situation by talking in depth with Chris, and only Chris about his feelings about this, since he is the one you will have to spend your life with. Your co-worker is just dust in the wind.