I have to add my voice as well. Please, do *** NOT*** do this. If you have doubts, put the marriage off.
I can’t add anything more substantive to what you already have been told. But your fiance would have to be a saint not to let this bother him. Would you really want it thrown in your face if you two ever had a fight? Wouldn’t you feel guilty about it in the years to come?
Not to be overly cynical about the whole situation, but what would doing this prove? Suppose the sex isn’t vastly different than with Chris–does that really mean anything?
I just can’t see the potential gain from this "indecent proposal being worth anywhere near the potential risk to your relationship.
Another no-no here. For the exact reasons Sue stated so eloquently.
And Angkins: while I do not judge your behaviour in any way, I don’t think sharing it here made much sense. It projects your negative experiences with your marriage (for which I am very sorry, believe me) onto tubagirls otherwise neutral situation. Her relationship isn’t in any danger (yet), and I do believe you are advising her for the wrong reasons. Her relationshop and marriage might work out perfectly, even (IMHO, especially) when she will not sleep with her colleague.
You know, I just got back out of bed at 2:30am to write this. Get ready for a tongue-lashing.
You are being incredibly selfish. That’s right I said “are being” not “going to be”. You seem to think you’re merely contemplating something. You’re not; you’re already deep in it. Let’s count your trespasses. You have:
a) planned in your mind to sleep with another man
b) planned in your mind which man this will be
c) discussed this with this other man with the intent to get his interest, and
d) told your SO about this with the intent to get his approval.
All these while being weeks away from being married to this man that you claim you love.
For fucks sake, think about someone else for just one minute. You’re really messing up in a big way.
You can do what you want, sleep with who you want, whatever you want. But please put the wedding off for a year. If you really love him, this’ll pass and you can still get married in a year. As you say, you’re 19; that’s a little young anyway.
The only positive thing here is that you don’t already have kids who’ll get tangled in this whole mess.
You’re clearly a rational woman. Think for a minute about what you’re doing and put the wedding off.
I’m going to be blunt. You do not have a healthy, mature relationship. All the doubts you expressed here, and in your other thread on the subject, indicate that there are many things you have not experienced but want to.
Chris may say that it’s ok for you to sleep with this other person, but it will change the dynamic between the three of you in ways you cannot possibly comprehend, and you won’t be able to make things as they were.
I’m not going to advise you not to sleep with the friend. I AM going to advise you not to get married. You are not ready.
Sex with the friend may or may not be a mistake. Getting married in four weeks will be the first mistake of many, I’m afraid.
If you’re even thinking of another guy(save the usual heart-throb superstars), it means you’re not ready for marriage. I think you know this. To follow through with this plan is foolish at best, relationship-killing in mediocrity, and extremely dangerous of someone’s feelings(besides your own).
I think you came here to the forum with this question knowing in your mind, and heart that we’d all say the same thing, and you most likely are looking for backup in making your decision to hold this marriage off. If so, I applaud you for acting mature enough to realize that there are some core issues in your relationship with him(forgot dude’s name, Chris?).
If you’ve come here thinking we’d welcome such a plan ourselves, and not acknowledging that there’s a problem with you relationship with Chris, then there are way worse problems than deciding on who your pre-marriage booty call will be.
I hope the first of the two situations is correct. If it is, then please rethink your marriage for the time being. Money, work, dresses, plane, RSVP’s aside, the outcome will be much worse if you do not postpone this ceremony.
Make the right choice, follow your heart in this matter, because I do think that you know what is right.
-Sam
p.s.- If you wish to talk, E-mail me at gawd@local420.net tomorrow.`
The fact that you would even consider this shows that you are definitely NOT ready to get married. And this wonderful guy that you keep gushing over in all your threads, his elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top if he’d entertain the idea of letting his future wife sleep with another guy.
You’ve heard the old saying, “Bet ya can’t eat just one”, well, I bet ya can’t just sleep with one guy before marriage and not want to do it again.
I also agree that you are selfish. You are not only risking the man you are ‘supposed’ to be marrying, but you are also putting a friend in the middle. How comfortable would it be at work once you’ve done the deed?
If you want to sleep with the guy go ahead, but don’t count of getting married if you do. Your Chris is after all only human.
The question itself shows quite openly that you are in no way ready for marriage.
I think you should forget all about marriage until you are all grown up. Go out and ball your brains out for a few years. Do some drugs. Drink some liquor, smoke some dope.
Have a few affairs with married men. Don’t neglect to experiment with same sex fun and games. Do a threesome at least twice: Once with two guys, once with a guy and another girl.
Postpone marriage–don’t make some poor slob put up with your idiocy.
Just one quick thought that I can give you from personal experience.
Marriage isn’t going to change your curiosity about the opposite sex. If you’re not committed to your fiance now, how is a piece of paper and a few spoken words going to change that?
And other thing that just occured to me : how are you going to feel if he turns out to be better than Chris? If he turns out to be much better than Chris?
Tubagirl, I count 29 replies against the idea 0 for it, better make it 30 to 0 against it as I too think it is a bad idea. I couldnot express myself so eloquently as some of the other posters, but I agree wholeheartedly with them. Take it from one who has been married for twice your lifespan, please re-think this. Talk it over with your husband-to-be. Essentially you are asking him for an open marriage, what you are not getting is the message he is sending you, which is “OKAY but what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander” Now imagine Chris in bed with your best friend, or the hooker from the corner of 4th and Main. Is this what you really want?
In this case it’s definetly not “YOU GO GIRL !”
Furthermore I would suggest you print out these posts and go over them with your Chris. Maybe when he reads these, he will give you a more truthful answer to your request.
I’m going to say go for it, as long as all involved are truly ok with the situation. Even if it is better than sex with Chris, I’m sure your relationship isn’t based on the sex, first off, and you have the rest of your life to train Chris with any tricks you learn from the other guy.
Now consider that this advice is coming from someone in an open-but-not-promiscuous marriage.
Sex is great thing. But I’m going to say something that most guys wouldn’t say. Sex pales in comparison to love. If you’ve got the love, the great sex will follow.
And BTW, niggle is right. No man is going to be OK with this. No way, no how. If you do this, you will destroy what you’ve got if it’s not gone already.
I read many of the posts, skipped the last 1/2 or so.
Simple answer–Do yourself a favor and don’t get married now. You are not ready yet.
Moreover, if you do get married now, I STRONGLY recommend that you wait at least five years before having children because divorce is where your marriage will end up and divorce is very tough on children.
I hate to do a “me too” post, but maybe the sheer volume of posters who think this is a bad idea will convince you that it really is. The other posters have done a great job explaining the possible negative consequences, so I won’t go into all of that.
I will offer my two cents. Why not take a break from being engaged if you’re so curious about other men? Perhaps your fiancee is curious about other women, too. I believe you’re a college student, why not take a sememster abroad, travel a little, experience life on your own?
If this is a serious post, your mind is NOT in the right place for marriage. Why on earth do you feel the NEED to get married at this point in your life?
My opinion of any guy (or gal) that would let their fiancee do this is also somewhat low…
Marriage is not a beta testing proposition, thats what DATING/COURTSHIP is all about… since you asked for advice, mine would be to not even consider marriage to anybody for another few years
I am a man. I have been married 2 times and divorced 2 times. The reason? My wives, in both instances, decided, in their infinite wisdom, to go screw another man. It hurt me deeply that both of them thought that it was even necessary. I can’t possibly believe that your man could have no problems with it. Is it possible that HE has tried another woman and this is his way of getting rid of his guilt?
Is sex with another person different? Let me put it this way. If I had been blindfolded and did not know who I was with, I would not have been able to tell the difference. The only difference is technique. The actual “feel” is not any different, at least to me.
I was a virgin when I married my first wife. So was she. In this instance, the only thing different between my situation and yours, is that you want to “try before you by”. Sorry, but it won’t work. Which is why I am divorced now. In short, if you love you man, DON’T DO IT !!!