An indecent proposal... ooohh look!!!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Yeah, this may be petty, but it’s the way I’m built.

Even if Chris says he’s OK with you goin’ ahead with this gol fool idea, he will come to regret it. A man, even if he knows his bride doesn’t come to his bed a virgin, doesn’t want to be reminded that she has slept with other men.

Instead of logically dealing with his wife’s previous relationships, this man would rather fool himself into believing that his wife is his, will always be his and was never another’s.

Now say you come home with a new trick which you pull on your new hubby. He knows it’s a new trick! And what do you think it will remind him of?

Your love for him? Your willingness to try new things with him? Your playful inventiveness in the bedroom?

No. It’ll remind him of the dickwad you fucked just before he married your slutty ass!

Again I’d advise you against this course of action… no matter what he says. And if you do, be prepared for your hubby to look at you in a different light.

42

A guy from work? That would be crazy. Plus, why expose yourself to disease just before you’re getting married?
Dunno why your boyfriend would say its okay? Does he want to do another girl? If he was a virgin, he may not know what he is getting into.

43

At best: A lifetime of guilt for one night.

At worst: No more Chris and an STD.

They both sound like pretty shitty options. Don’t do it.

44

Gosh… such knots we tie ourselves into with this monogamy stuff.

Tuba: as a great proponent of non-monogamy, I am surprised to find myself agreeing with the mass - with a caveat.

If you are going to vow to not have sex with anyone else (I don’t use the word “faithful” for this - it’s possible to be a lying, backstabbing s.o.b. and remain completely ‘faithful’, and vice versa) - then don’t break the vow you’re going to make just because you haven’t made it yet.

In fact, if you find yourself seriously wanting to follow your roving eye, I would say you’re not ready for - pay attention! - monogamous marriage.

Lots of couples have open marriage relationships because they realize that you can be totally in love and devoted to one person, and still sleep around. The poet Edna St. Vincent Millay and her husband, for example, remained devoted and in love with each other during the course of their long marriage, while both of them had sex with lots of other men and women.

There are two and only two reasons why sleeping around is wrong: 1) you have to lie; and 2) you have to break your vows. If you always tell your partner the truth and if you don’t make any such vows, you have done nothing wrong (presuming the sex itself doesn’t lead to complications - std’s, pregnancy, falling in love with your trick, etc.)

I understand you’re in love with your mec. Perhaps you two might want to think about non-monogamous marriage. If you don’t want to consider that (and remember the rule about talking about sex - if you can do it, you can say it) - then you should definitely not go looking behind Door Number Two.

45

Well all this advice is well heard and taken to heart. Last night something happened that has vastly changed my mind in the situation. my co-worker and I got oput of work 45 minutes before Chris did. We were in his car and he -poof- all aof sudden is kissing me. It went on for 15 minutes of us making out and ‘stuff’ before I stopped him and went to my own car.

I told Chris this when we were on our way home. He didn’t really believe me. I finally convinced him I was tellinh the truth. The main feeling he was having about it is jealousy.

We then got home where he proceeded to ‘show’ me how much he loves me… At that point I decided that I could never have sex with another man. I love this man. Sex is something we have only shared with each other and I want to keep it that way…

He isn’t an uncaring man. He just wants me to be happy in our relationship. He will do anything it takes. I love him for that but can’t hurt him.

As for the aadvice from everyone not to get married. I am getting married in 4 weeks. I love this man soooo much and want to spend the rest of my life with him regardless of wether I’m given the chance to do someone else or not. If he had said absolutly not! I would have respected that.

As for children… that is WAY down the road. So everyone doesn’t have to get worried about children wrapped up in our relationship.

I think I was more shocked and repulsed at what little that happened last night than Chris was. He was a little jealous and a bit angry, but I just sat in silent shock.

I have made the decision NOT to have sex with anyone but my fiance. I will not break that true bond between us. I think I just needed to feel that I was attractive to someone else before I get married. I think I wanted to make myself feel better. I am having an identity problem and I think this definitly helped it along. I don’t want to hurt the man I love

I just am happy that I am in a relationship where we tell each other exactly how we are feeling about the situation and that he really wasn’t ANGRY about the situation. He just hoped that I was satisfied by it.

I was…

tubagirl

46

You know, I was in a committed, healthy relationship with my serious boyfriend. Then in a class I was taking I met this wonderful guy who was like a soulmate. We were just friends, but I started to have romantic feelings (okay, the hots) for him YET I was still committed to my boyfriend. To this day, I don’t know how I did it, but I talked my boyfriend into letting me “get it out of my system.” In other words, I had his express permission to sleep with this guy once.

Was the sex good? Yeah. Maybe in large part because it was so forbidden. But I will never forget how awkward, downright shitty it felt when I literally left one guy’s bed to go back to the man who loved me. I can’t put into words all the ways that felt wrong and bizarre. It just felt UGLY and sordid. It cast a pall over the whole thing. I won’t say that’s what eventually broke us up, but to this day I have a hard time communicating with that boyfriend because I am so disgusted with myself–and confused about what the hell HE was thinking.

I think it’s valid to wonder and be curious. But I also think that exploration of this type should not take place on the final countdown to a wedding. I would seriously, seriously consider putting this wedding off for six months or a year. It happens more than you might realize. Sure, it’s embarrassing to recall all those invites and cancel some reservations and lose deposits. But that’s a lot better than standing at that altar wishing you’d played around some more. It shows that you have such respect for the importance of marriage, you’d never enter into it lightly. And you can go ahead with it later if Chris is the man for you–postponement does not doom the marriage from ever happening.

Maybe it’s because of my past experience, but now I don’t let myself consider (seriously or in fantasy) what it would be like to bump the fuzz with another man whom I actually know. Sure, I let myself fantasize all I want about Barry Manilow or whomever, but not the guy next door, or my coworker, or the garbage man. Because those thoughts just don’t go anywhere healthy or productive. I’ve chosen the man I want to be with, Mr. Cranky, and it’s his bed I want to be looking forward to defiling on those cold nights. :0)

47

tuba girl said

"I just am happy that I am in a relationship where we tell each other exactly how we are feeling about the situation and that he really wasn’t ANGRY about the situation. He just hoped that I was satisfied by it. "

Do you really want to be MARRIED to someone who is NOT angry that you want to (and act on)be intimate with someone else? My wife would be quite angry if I did that…and thank G*d she would

I really hope you take the kind and caring words of these many posters to heart…sincerely rethink getting married at this point of your life. As many have pointed out, it appears that you are not ready right NOW. Being in love with someone is not enough…marriage is a rewarding but difficult journey…it is not a destination that you suddenly arrive at. Furthermore…the journey gets more difficult AFTER the wedding…

Weddings can be postponed…what is the worst thing that could happen if you postponed this wedding a year…honestly? Compare that to the worst things that can (and in all probability will) happen if you get married now…

dave

48

If the sex turns out to be good with this co-worker fellow, you might actually see something in him that you don’t in your fiance, and leave your fiance because of it. Either that, or you’ll secretly be sneaking around behind your fiance’s back just to see this co-worker again and again.

If the sex is bad, and nothing happens between you and your co-worker after that, you’re still gonna see this co-worker at work day after day. There’s always gonna be that weird feeling between the two of you.

Also, the fact that you did this could come back someday to bite you in the ass. You and your fiance could be arguing about something, and then he’ll bring this up to rub in your fiance or lay a guilt trip on you.

So, not a good idea.

But, if you must have sex with someone, make sure your fiance doesn’t know about it. That’s the key. Well, first off, I’m not even advocating that you cheat at all, but I know that words alone cannot stop you. So, if you must, then do it in secrecy.

49

Well, it’s good you made that decision to stay faithful. But, let me tell you, there are gonna be a lot of tempting opportunities throughout your life, and keeping your word is going to prove to be quite difficult. So, just think of all the advice that you have received here.

50

“Making out and stuff” with a guy for 15 minutes! While you are in a committed relationship anticipating marriage?

There are words for girls like you.

“Fuckin’ slut” being the kindest.

51

tubagirl, you better thank your lucky stars that the decision for marriage hasn’t been taken out of your hands. I expect many, many men would have put you out on your ass.

My immediate reaction is to give you two blistering pages. But it is probably better for me to just shake my head, and go off and contemplate how casually some people (men and women) consider sex. And 1 month from marriage, at that.

52

Well, I’m only going to step in long enough to add my two cents to OpalCat’s two cents.

Now, I don’t necessarily agree that “I’ve gotta get it overwith before I actually sign that piece of paper that says I’m married.”

Being in a committed relationship and sleeping with a person who is not in that committed relationship are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

I’ve never understood people who crow, “It’s not all about sex, it’s not all about sex” until an issue come up that IS all about sex, and then suddenly, “WHAT? SEX?? NEVER!”

“But it shows a complete lack of trust!”
No…it shows UTTER trust to admit to your partner that you have a case of barbecued drawers over someone else, and to ask for his or her approval.

A have “strayed” on occasion from my husband. A couple of times without his knowledge and approval. When he found out about those occasions, it was very, very hurtful. And with good reason. I’m not going to pretend I was right, because I sure as hell wasn’t. A couple of times I have strayed with his knowledge and approval. Those were NOT hurtful.

There is no one in the world I’d rather fall asleep with, and no one in the world I’d rather wake up next to. There is no one else I’d want to live with, day in and day out. You’re fuckin’ A it’s not all about the sex.

Okay, anyone who wants to call me/think of me as a slut, a whore, or a fuckin’ bitch is more than welcome to. It ain’t nothin’ but a name, son. And I’m in my 8th year of marriage to a wonderful, incredible man who loves me with all of his heart, and whom I love with all of my heart.

Now, the poster of the original OP was obviously not in the same sort of situation. Because neither she nor her fiancee was comfortable with this situation, she should definitely avoid putting herself into a situation like this again. I’m just sick of being painted with the “whore” brush because my relationship doesn’t work in all of the same ways everyone else’s does.

53

I am so disgusted. Listen to yourself. You now know you’ve found true love and it took making out with another man to realize you’ve found your soul mate. That’s pure unadultrated bullshit.

Shame on you! You not only planned out an affair, but you went through with it. It doesn’t require penetration to be cheating, you know.

I’ll say if for a third time and I know you won’t listen but put off this god-damned sham of a wedding. Chris deserves better.

54

Dear Tubagirl,

The solution is to make your husband become the best lover anyone would hope for, and vice versa. Dedicate your lives to the pursuit of the legendary fatal climax!

I suspect it is natural to wonder and worry, I did. As the magic date approaches, all kinds of doubts will enter the picture. If you really love him you will over-come them.

The guy at work is probably a dog. Willing to “help out” any lady anywhere, anytime. This could screw up your work environment, are you willing to risk that?

What you have done is tell your man that he isn’t a good enough lover for you. His ego has been scratched if not shattered. (No matter what he says.) Take your old man into your arms and tell he is the only one you want; that the earlier conversation was just pre-marital jitters.

Then learn each other’s body. Explore each others likes and dislikes. Keep love (and sex) alive by reinventing it often. Experiment. The only rules in the bedroom are the ones you make. The only limitations are the ones you set. The only ones you would be cheating would be yourselves, and why do that?

Now, put on something nice and go jump his bones,

Myself

55

Stop treating her like she’s Hester Prynne. It’s unhelpful and it’s unkind.

56

matt_mcl said

"Stop treating her like she’s Hester Prynne. It’s unhelpful and it’s unkind. "

She created this thread and said

"Please give me as much advise as possible and all opinions. I have to make a decsion soon… "

It seems to me she asked for advise and opinions…which is what she got…She will ultimately do whatever she wishes, but don’t bash the INVITED messengers for delivering a message…

dave

57

Chief man, that was low and completely un-called for. She was asking for help, not your judgement. Just because you’re a long-time poster doesn’t give you the right to say things like that. I think you should apologize.

Tubagirl: I could reply to you in about the same way you replied to me in one of my first threads, but I’m a nice guy. So instead I’ll just throw this little bit of guilt at you and let it do it’s own work.

::waits a few seconds::

Feel bad? Good, now on to business. It seems like your heart is now very firmly in the right place. You know who you want, and that’s quite a blessing in itself. Also, there’s very few guys out there who are as understanding and loving as your fiance seems to be, blessing number two. And he isn’t going to hold it against you (yet to be seen, but one can hope), that’s three blessings.

Why you would have wanted to risk it in the first place is beyond me. But all’s well that ends well.

I wish you the best of luck and many congratulations to come. And as Kurt Vonnegut once said “Make love, it’s good for you.”

58

Frankly, I thought Chief was right on the money.

What would you say if Chris was posting about this in the pit? Would you still say “all’s well that ends well?”

59

Yes Bill, I have no doubt in my mind that I would. Because it’s true.

60

First off, you already did break the “true” bond between you by sitting in that car for fifteen minutes. If you were truly repulsed you would have left the moment it started. You wanted to make yourself feel better and say you don’t want to hurt the man you love. Thats a true contradiction if I ever heard one.

Sorry, I calls them as I sees them.