a golden ring peeking out from the sand of a river bottom in Middle-earth.
More treacherous than…
… the gold ring made from the gold of the Rhinemaidens.
Sexier than…
Vin Diesel emailing me a flirty picture of himself whose capture says David Schwimmer is on his way over to my house in a jokestrap to hand over a naked and willing Will Smith.
Funkier than a . . .
George Clinton and Barry White jamming together on Soul Train circa 1973.
Tackier than…
…a half dried paisley paint job.
Smaller than…
…Helen Keller’s iPod menu.
As confusing as…
IRS tax instructions translated into Urdu, then into Sanskrit, then back into English.
More obscure than…
… Linear B.
More transparent than…
a politician’s lies.
More wizened than…
…Amy Winehouse.
Healthier than…
Just had to get that crack in while she’s still alive.
a plate full of vegetables on a bed of brown rice with a side of crystal clear spring water served up by Tony Horton during a jazzercise class in sunny southern California.
More synthetic than…
a Penthouse Pet’s cleavage.
Bouncier than…
a Penthouse Pet’s cleavage.
Oranger than…
… Paris Hilton’s tan.
Colder than…
… that night spent naked under a blue plastic tarp among the cypress trees on the shore of the S.F. Bay. (don’t ask.)
Tidier than…
an OCD off his medication.
Blue-er than…
… smurf village after Azrael caught, and ate, the only female.
Dizzier than…
…a ballerina on a merry-go-round.
As shrill as…
…a penny whistle with its testicles shut in a cold vice.
As obvious as…
the nose on Jimmy Duracte’s face.
As clean as . . .