“The drive-by shootings in this neighbourhood are getting too darned close for comfort.”
“That’s the last time I say ‘You want a piece of me??’ in a bar fight.”
“I was demonstrating the ‘balance-the-treat-on-your-nose’ trick for the family dog, and well…”
“It’s the latest in natural-looking nose rings.” Or, “The nose ring just doesn’t seem to be healing quite right.” Or, “What, isn’t my nose ring there???”
“Tried to hotglue a bindi on, and it slipped”
“Wanted my nose pierced, but not on the nostril side like every one else.”
There has been several mentions on this board about an alleged Swedish company selling chainsaws in the United States. Supposedly, the original Swedish instructions were only half a page long, but the American manual ran dozens of pages because it included liability warnings such as “Warning: Do not stop moving blade with hands or genitals.”
And if you’re looking to gross someone out:
“I was attacked by Count Mucus, Dark Lord of the Snot Vampires.”