And the award for stupidest malady goes to...SWIDDLES!!

I have an open wound roughly the size of half a pea on the bridge of my nose. How did this occur, you ask? I decided I needed to wear a headband, and didn’t have one that matched my outfit. So I quickly cut some fabric from my rag bag, and tied a knot. And attempted to pull it over my big head. But it was too small, and in attempting to PULL the circle of fabric over my head, I caught my nose with my ring finger nail. And realised I had skin under my nail. EWWWIIEEEE.

So here’s why I am posting this (other then for the benefit of the amusement of the Teeming Thousands) I need alternative excuses. I’ve been telling people that I have been [ul]
[li]attacked by wild monkies[/li][li]high sticked in the last game of no-rules-no-wussy-safety equipment hockey.[/li][li]I stuck my nose in the business end of a weed whacker. [/ul][/li]
I need more suggestions, as my friends are beginning to suspect that my natural grace has betrayed me once again.

confused woodpecker.

Tell people that, in honor of Governor Bush, you got a boil.

Over Thanksgiving weekend, I picked up a scar above my right eyebrow, about an inch and a half long. It’s quite nasty looking, and it’ll probably turn out to be permanent.

I’ve decided that “a hockey fight” sounds like a much better explanation than “I whapped myself in the face with a car door”. Of course, that excuse might not work for you…

Bar fight (“You should see the other guy.”)

I was going to use that if I got a bruise from hitting myself in the jaw with a ski pole.

Small furry woodland creatures caught you through a jaunt through the woods. They knocked you down with their little paws and tied you up using twigs and leaves and vines. They carried you off the the king woodland creature who thus annoited you (on your nose) from ever running one of his minions over with your car. You were had an allergic reaction from the liquid used in the annoiting. You scratched it and it caused the wound.

By the time you get half way through this long, stupid tale, they will turn around and leave the subject well enough alone.

Alien impregnation.

Then watch your friends back away veeeeeery sloooooowly when you ask them if you could possibly borrow a hankie.

I once slammed my head in a car door (the wind caught it, okay??) and I ended up going to the doctor when I started getting dizzy and nauseated. My kindly family doctor had to turn away for a minute when I told him how I’d hurt myself - he was laughing too hard to go on with the exam.

Yikes and a bit “OUCH!” on your behalf, Swiddles… it’s causing me pain just to think about it.

I once opened the door to my brother’s room, and got whacked directly in the center of my forehead by the corner of his bulletin board, which was “secured” to the inside of the door. It swung loose as the door swung open. Oh boy, did that one bleed.

That would be a “big” OUCH…

What, no sbaer wounds from duels or yeti scrapes while summiting K2?

Just say, “Dental work”.

Then change the subject.

“We were playing Gladiator at the video store and one thing led to another and next thing you know it was one big sword fight.”

“It’s a gang initiation thing. But I’m not supposed to talk about it.”

“I’m getting paid fifty bucks to volunteer to help field test the CIA’s new nasal microchip.”

“I was binging on cocaine so bad, I forgot to take it out of the vial first.”

“I was having a heart to heart conversation with Bubbles my pet piranha when the little bastard bit me. Next time we’re talking outside of the aquarium.”

“I’ve auditioning for the lead in our local theatre group’s remake of Chinatown and I’m a method actor.”

“My ferret and I got into an argument over the last slice of pizza.”

“I’m getting a nose job, but I can’t afford to get it all done at once. So every month a make a payment and they carve off another piece.”

What sore? OH MY GOD! I thought that was cured! Get back, everyone, it’s highly contagious.

While I plan on using all of these, I’d have to say that this one made me laugh out loud. Mostly because I have what my father proudly calls “The [notmylastname]Riddles [/notmylastname] Nose,” and what I refer to as “an overly long nose with a bump in the middle.” So this one is JUST believeable enough to be funny.

Keep 'em coming, I have to work this weekend, and will probably need lots of “explainations.”

Swiddles, I was sick about two weeks ago, vomiting quite a bit. I ended up busrting blood vessesl in my eye. There was absolutely nothing I could do, and part of the white part of my eye was very red, so I came up with some creative answers when people asked what had happened:

~~“I was at the World Series, right behind home plate. Jeter popped me with a foul, right in the eye!”

“But wasn’t that a month ago?”

“Yeah, you should’ve seen it then!”

~~“All my veins are shot, so I decided to inject heroin into my eye. I got really fucked up, but it doesn’t look so good.”

~~“Kids and their crazy tempers! Last time I babysit.”

~~“Leprosy.” :slight_smile: after you say that.

~~“I went too deep scuba diving and came up with the Bends. Pretty nasty, huh?”

~~“What eye?” whilst proceeding to open the eye really widely (maybe you could flare your nostrils.)

Hope that helps. I said most of these to customers who I would never see again, so I didn’t feel bad about lying.

“Lets just say that I need to clean out the refrigerator more often”.

“I was checking our chimney to make sure that Santa could get down it OK, and I slipped. Maybe I should have gone feet first.”

Hmm, you’re at college, right, Swiddles? How aboutThese?

“I found out that the rumors about Dean Oglethorpin are true! He does have a nose fetish!”

“Now I know why we’re not allowed to keep wolves in the dorms.”

“We’re learning cloning in Advanced Biology this semester, and all the guys needed a tissue sample so they could clone me. Well, I couldn’t disappoint them, could I?” (Hmm, this sounds more like Hypergirl…)

“I was clipped by a bullet while saving the life of [a child, a stray kitten, Ben Affleck] during a drive-by.”

“It’s self-mutilation. My psychiatrist says it stems from trying to control my psychotic desire to hurt people who ask personal questions. Have you seen my knife collection?”

“It was them. Tried to kill me but I got away. You know who they are. I know too much so they’re out to get me. They’ll probably kill you too just for talking to me.”

“I built a machine that will send very small objects through time. A piece of my nose witnessed the signing of the Declaration of Independence.”

“Do you remember that book 1984?”

Here’s one you can use with board regulars:

“I was stopping the blade on my Swedish chainsaw and the manual said I wasn’t supposed to use my hands or genitals.”

“I really, really wanted to get this damn booger out so I thought I’d sneak up on it from behind.”

And what exactly, käraste, is a Swedish chainsaw?!