I just finished watched Animal Planet’s Eukanuba’s Dog Show Competition.
For reasons that I cannot comprehend, I love watching dog shows on TV.
The pithy little comments, the way the handlers all say their breed is the best, the ill fitting Modern Nun collection clothing on the female handlers, hideously bad horrendously ugly shoes from Payless’ Tired Old Feet Collection ™ trotting next to dogs that are worth more than my current three cars combined.
Perhaps it is the hope that one day I will join the elite dog world and enter my dog into some Dog Beauty Pageant. Mind you, she is 9 years old, rather portly and her halitosis would knock a judge flat on their back. But my dog has more personality and charisma in her poop that this years Best In Show Winner. I know, I’ve wiped loads of her charisma off the bottom of my shoes.
But, why would anyone enter a dog show to hope to win their breed when invariably it will end up going to one of three breeds: Standard Poodle, Toy Poodle and Family Sedan Poodle with an entertainment system?
All the years I have haphazardly watched these shows, the freaking poodle wins.
Every year I think,* Hah, that poodle looks like it is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.* and I hope it just lays down in a fit of performance anxiety, leaving the handler to drag her by the leash through it’s paces. I can hear the commentary now:
*“Oh, it looks like ‘Aurora’s Dawnstar Moonlight Enema’ is breaking form and…yes, after 376 straight Best In Show Wins the dog has finally emotionally snapped.”
“Too bad, too. Look the Handler is brought out her favorite squeaky toy but its just now making ‘Aurora’s Dawnstar Moonlight Enema’ perk up. Such a shame.”
“I wonder who will the judge pick now.”
" Probably the Pekinese. It has the same level of uselessness and insane fur coat puffery that makes it waddle like a troll with a sinus infection on the concourse. It’s always a crowd favorite."
“Yes it is. It’s been the Runner’s up to the poodle for the last 27 years.”
“That win by Sir Cuddlkins, a pekinese won only because the Neopolotian Mastiff, Herr Sheissemeister, sat on the presumed champion, Percy Pussypants Nancyboy PuffyShirt, the toy poodle from Nottingham, England. It was a big upset that year.”
“The last time a poodle of any class: small, medium and convertible, didn’t win was when the German Shepard, Rottweiler and Doberman Pinscher took out the French Connection in those dark days of 1939.” *
Why can’t a decent dog that actually has any freaking worth in the real world
win the Big Title? Labrador Retrievers are hunting dogs, companion dogs, helping dogs and just big all around great dogs.
Little scottish terriers are fiercely loyal, not at all irritating like the standard ankle biters and never ever look like they need a lithium to start their day.
Newfoundlands are huge lumbering masses of cuddliness that double as swimming barges and a playscape for the kids to pounce on.
Australian Cattle Dogs could run our country better and weird out any Al Queda operative with their non blinking stare.
A bloodhounds sense of smell is so acute they can smell a dead body under 30 feet of water.
Hell, even the high maintence Afghan’s with their flowing locks look so serene as they float down the runway.
If the dogs we like a representation of our inner mental health? Then what does it mean that if the number one registered breed in our country is the Yellow Lab, a mellow faithful versital companion loses year after year to a dog whose alter ego on screen could be Woody Allen?
How humilitating is that?
Basenji’s, though relatively unknown still, are barkless, don’t shed and yodel. Do poodles yodel?
A dachund can easily take home the Neurotic Weiner Dog department at least can dive into a burrow to flush out moles or something if the average Human Male didn’t take perverse pleasere in using landmines and laser tracking devices to get rid of any rodents or crab grass.
What have the Poodles done to make this world a better place besides showcase rhinestone collars?
Poodles are to the dog world what California & Texas are to the Miss America Pageant. Always in the top two finalists. Oh sure, once in awhile there will be a Miss Florida or Miss Georgia. Maybe even a Miss Michigan to throw everyone off, but inevitably, it is a guarantee that a Ms. California/Texas will be in the top ten and eventually in the top five, cleaning up in the swimsuit department.
I have first hand knowledge of poodles and our late, beloved minature black poodle, named Count, would roll over in his grave and lick himself if he could see these pathetic examples of poodleness out there whoring themselves. Ok,maybe that was a bad mental image of poodle porn.
But Count, all 16 pounds of him, liked everyone except the Meter Reader Guy, whom gave out Creepy Guy Vibes to every housewife and kid. This was back in the day when you had the same milk man, same mail man, same repair guy for twenty five years and you were all on a first name basis with eveyrone in their family. Releasing our dignified furball after the meter reader and watching Count growl fiercely after this man as he tried to do his job, was a sheer and perverse pleasure and fond memory of my childhood.
I cannot picture one of these prancing, prissy, perfectly useless POODLES chasing the meter reader down the street to the next house.
Along time ago poodles were used for hunting and were excellent swimmers. Can you picture Fifi laying by the fire with her owner pointing proudly to the grizzly head on the wall, " Yeah, my Fif…she grabbed that bar by its neck and snapped it like it was uncooked s’getti. Saved my life …"
Ok, they didn’t hunt big game, but more along the lines of fowl. I still can’t picture Mimi, the poodle, jumping into a bay of water to retreive a dead duck. " Monsiuer, thees iz not zee zouth ov Frahnce…It iz Novembree…in Meechighan…Ahr You Insane?!."
Why don’t they just hand out the award to the poodle before the handlers even unpack their dogs from their crates? It would even out the odds in Vegas and make for some real drama as we watch the losers compete for Bridesmaid Award.
Something all of us can identify with.
