Seems to be the day for plunging into the cess(il) pool that is The Straight Dope, so while the goat is busy with the other new members I thought I would post and say hi.
It may still say ‘guest’, but I **have ** plonked my US$14.95 on the counter (which is an awful lot more in Pacific pesos…), and I promise I’ll be good (sort of)…
Hello
have fun, stay safe.
Wow, everyone who is anyone is on the dope- even people from Mars!
Welcome!
OK. That’s it. Newbies need to line up single file on the left. Have your paperwork out, and your galoshes unbuttoned. We are understaffed and undergoated, so some of you will just have to initiate yourselves. Instructions for self-initiation will be provided by Hal Briston. When you have finished initiating yourself, rebutton your galoshes and report to The Door. Wait patiently until it is your turn to…(what? I wasn’t going to tell them what’s next! The surprized look on their faces is the best part!) Anyway, welcome, and don’t tense up. It’s easier if you aren’t tense. 
Goodness gracious, there are a lot of newbies around here. We may have to invest in a few more goats.
Welcome.
Martian, you hsave made a grave error.
When the Goat gets overworked, he gets…cranky . :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:
Insurance paid up?
Won’t somebody think of the livestock?
Welcome, Girl from Mars – since you’ve actually coughed up the money, we’ll move you to the front of the queue.
Here – hold this vat of calamari – I’ll be right back with the … well, you’ll see.
Oooh, an alien!
So, do you have any interesting… ooh, really? Tentacles? And uh, uh huh, and… no way!
Your tongue is *how * long?
:eek:
Yeah, that sounds interesting. Wanna head back to my place?
Welcome, take a seat. I’ll turn off the lights.
That’s why the alpacas will start working on Monday.
They’re not as sweet and content as the commercials would have you believe.
Welcome, Girl from Mars! 
The others have …adequately… advised you of the horro–er, I mean, pleasures* to come. I see you already have the calamari.
:: a quick flash of tentacular motion ::
Or it has you. Or something.
Have fun here!
:: runs away ::
:: pauses, remembers duty, picks up toilet plunger again ::
:: advances towards calamari with grim expression ::
:: runs away again ::
Noooo…not the alpacas… Had a bad experience once being chased over hills by the alpacas at Lindale. The advertising promised the opportunity to mingle with llama, alpaca, emu and many more farm animals. I tell you the alpacas were more than keen to mingle!
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!
I’m tiring of threatening noobs with livestock harassment. Instead, I offer Girl from Mars a hearty and warm hello and welcome!
Are you hot? You may find some of the other fellows around here flirt a bit…you should not pay them any attention. I’m really the only single male Doper of quality. Trust me…ALL the good ones are taken. 'Cept me. You’re hot, aren’t you? Your nick looks hot. I think you’re hot. Wanna get together for a little one-on-one Dopefest? Can I have a hug?
Yeah, I’m hot. <flicks hair Farrah Fawcett style>
Actually, Rufus Xavier is official Minister of Goats.
However, that’s neither here nor there, since there is absolutely no initiation here involving goats! Really, it’s the truth!*
So then, Girl From Mars, allow me to welcome you to the SDMB! You’ll find your welcoming party in full swing just through the door to your left, down the stairs, past the gatekeeper, through the room filled with stocks and chains, left past the room mistakenly labled as “goat disposal”, and straight down that hall to the party room where ice cream and cookies await. Have fun, and pay no mind to any screaming you may hear along the way. That’d just be mice.
*The role of The Truth will be played tonight by Blatent Lie.
For more lying truths about the SDBM goats, I recommend:
Where the goats come from.
Goat care and cleaning.
Why you must never disrespect the goat.
So, Girl from Mars, how you doin’?
[sub]Pay no attention to the other male Dopers. Thay are only figments of your textual imagination. [/sub]
Well, if all else fails, I think the Serta sheep are looking for work.
Pffft. You stick with me, honey, I’m the goddess of love. (No, really, see?) 
Welcome to the boards!
Since when have we decided on alpacas ? I thought we were going with aardvarks this year 
oh, and welcome Girl from Mars BTW, your name in RL doesn’t happen to be Dejah Thoris by any chance ?
According to my last inventory, we have…um…(counting on fingers)…about…(counting on toes)…somewhere in the range of…(making mysterious motions in the air with one finger as imaginary tallies are toted up)…just over…(decides on number at random)…nineteen goats available for felch- I mean petting. Only for newly Chartered Members of course. And the petting can only be done with this straw. And…well, this jello. Enjoy!