Annoying brainless pissantry in the workplace

The BBQ Pit
21

Man that Ninja Pizza Guy took my answer.

In addition, I do not need to know about my coworker’s period, constipation, indigestion, smells/solids/liquids eeking from said coworker’s ass all day. I do not want to see your snatch when you sit in front of me. If you are incapable of crossing your legs, wear pants. If you are CtAC, please zip your pants, cause I don’t want to see your dick, either. If you are going to have an affair with the boss, meeting at the restaurant half a block from the office for your little rendezvous is probably a bad idea. Do not ask me why people are talking about that and how they know.

I know you have pictures of your kids/dogs/geckos/cousin’s godparents/fairy godmother on your desk. You do not need to show them to me every day. Also, FYI, it’s customary to wait for someone to ask to see the pictures of the new baby/cat/dog/car/horse/alien from the great beyond before you bowl them over with 34,000,000 pictures of the little darling eating/sleeping/taking a shit.

Please do not come into my office, see the mountain of work on it, comment ‘Wow look at all that! You must be swamped!’ and then launch into a 30 minute monologue about whatever-the-fuck it is.

To the janitors: I know you guys work hard and you’re usually very nice, but please do not bitch and moan about doing things that are a normal part of your job. You complain that the trash can is full once a week and you must empty it. You complain loudly in the hall if there is a shoe scuff on the floor. When you come to clean my office, and I am extremely busy, a twenty minute conversation about the climate in my office is not necessary. You were told a thousand times yesterday, and the day before, and all last week, that it’s cold in my office because I like it that way. You’re in here for 30 seconds to empty the trash, and this does not give you the right to adjust my air conditioning.

To everyone: When you ask me a question about some management thing and I say ‘I don’t know about that because it’s not in my department,’ this is not a signal to say ‘Well I heard,’ and then ask me ten fucking more times. I don’t know what the accounting department is up to, I don’t know if they’ve having a luncheon, and no I really don’t know why the VP is giving someone a tour. Asking me about events on Fridays is also useless because I don’t work on Fridays, and I haven’t for at least the last year.

To my boss: I am not dumb. I can understand you, so it is not necessary for you to say things like ‘This will probably go over your head.’ I doubt that it will, especially if you are talking about the network. You do recall promoting me to head that department, do you not? There is a reason other than stupidity that I won’t fix your computer. That reason is your attitude and my inability to suffer it long enough to be in your office to fix the computer. Let me know when you will be not here and I will do it.

Ah… better now.

22

And I do NOT want you picking up some previous discussion from the morning’s meeting while I am standing at the fucking urinal. While you are babbling on about “company vision” and “markey forecasts” and “union negotiations” my mind is visualizing one thing…your face on the urinal cake in front of me.

And don’t get me started on the damn “boss-buddy teambuilding” spontaneuous backrub that assaults me unawares…

23

Dammit, I never get here in time to make the obligatory Office Space quote!

And this:

made me laugh out loud. :smiley:

24

Idiot coworker will need to tell another coworker something. He’ll yell the person’s name while sitting at his desk. He’ll say about the first five words and then get up, continue yelling while he is walking into their office to finish whatever he started saying. I’m thinking, “If you’re going to walk up to them, why not wait to start speaking instead of YELLING ALL THROUGH THE OFFICE?”

Oh, there’s more this shithead does, but I don’t want to overwhelm you guys with his stupidity.
[sub]Don’t even get me started on his telling TWO people on the phone about the boil on his back. YUK![/sub]

25

-Scheduling meetings after 5:00.
-Team dinners. (If I was a client and saw $1000 team dinner billed each weak that included no one from the company, I would have myself a shit-fit).
-Instant Messager - That’s great. A tool that combines the worst aspects of email and having someone talking to you while you’re working.
-Working after the client leaves for the day/after the cleaning staff makes their rounds/after the automatic alarms trip and security has to reset them and then spending the next day idle with my thumb up my ass.
-Don’t snap at me because you don’t recognize European currency by the comma instead of a period and the little (E) symbol. I didn’t freakin invent the Euro…bitch
-People who literally cry at work - there is nothing so important here that’s worth crying over and there’s nothing so horrible that should drive you to tears. Violent rage perhaps…not tears.